To all of my friends
I apologize for being exceptionally bitey lately. Lingering feelings from a bad breakup, along with the growing pains of trying to maintain a friendship, with the added loss of what I once considered a close friendship was just the start of it.
Numerous family problems at home; my parents have been fighting frequently, while often using me as leverage one way or the other...or simply as a way to 'find out information', with my mom calling me for no other reason than to ask if my dad is home--a tradition some of you no doubt may be used to, but I have had a relatively stable and "good"family life, so it's a new experience and definitely making me come unhinged a bit. My dad has redoubled his efforts to be an absolute asshole, calling me useless and worthless on numerous occasions, most notably when I was trying to catch up on homework and studying for finals. Quite a leap from the person who bought him a roof, rebuilt and installed engines in his cars(that he continually breaks from lack of maintenance/abuse), gave him a car for him to use so he can get around, and at this point, the only one of his three kids and wife that still defends him..though that has pretty much gone by the wayside now. Included in this is my sister's constant berating, again of how useless and worthless I am, and about how she's not going to pay me back on the car loan I gave her.
As many of you are also aware..I've lost my very best and closest friend, just a few weeks ago. The only 'person' who was always there for me, every day or night, no matter what. The only 'person' who would happily give me a nice tight hug or a loving kiss..despite some grumblings. The one who would defend me to the death, no matter who or what was the aggressor..be it friend or family or foe. I could always depend on him, and his death was a major, major piece of my life gone missing. As such..I have nothing binding me to my home now. It's simply a house..a place for my stuff, a place to sleep and eat. And I try to do those last two away from here as much as I can.
I've had many other dramas to deal with. Everything from my new car having the traction of oil on glass in anything other than dry weather, plus the several other 'mostly-small-but-annoying-and/or-expensive' repairs it needs(rear wheel bearings, strut mounts rusted out, ABS nonfunctional, O2 sensor, crank sensor, throttle position sensor..all bad, possible vacuum leak, bad evap system..the list goes on and on and on), to simple shit, like my gaming computer dying permanently, like AT&T's repeated overages and bullshit charges, like my fancy $1500 camera needing repair AGAIN. Overlaying all of these problems is college life is beating me up pretty bad. It's both a blessing and a curse..it gets me out of the house for 8-10 hours a day...but it comes with /so damned much work/, and I only return home exhausted and even less willing to put up with my family's bullshit.
I haven't even really put any thought into Christmas shopping..I just can't think lately, being so overwhelmed. I haven't bought any gifts..I don't know what to get anyone. Buying my dad a gift is of particular difficulty, because anytime I start looking into it, I just get pissed off.
It's really just..hard to deal with everything, all at once, and never stopping save for the brief moments I can get away. The overnight visits at Kia's are of great benefit, in particular. Without the constant support of my close friends, I don't know where I'd be right now..but I'm certain I'd be in a much, much worse place.
Again, apologies to anyone I've snapped at or bitten. And thank you to those of you who have, more or less(mostly more), kept me alive.
Numerous family problems at home; my parents have been fighting frequently, while often using me as leverage one way or the other...or simply as a way to 'find out information', with my mom calling me for no other reason than to ask if my dad is home--a tradition some of you no doubt may be used to, but I have had a relatively stable and "good"family life, so it's a new experience and definitely making me come unhinged a bit. My dad has redoubled his efforts to be an absolute asshole, calling me useless and worthless on numerous occasions, most notably when I was trying to catch up on homework and studying for finals. Quite a leap from the person who bought him a roof, rebuilt and installed engines in his cars(that he continually breaks from lack of maintenance/abuse), gave him a car for him to use so he can get around, and at this point, the only one of his three kids and wife that still defends him..though that has pretty much gone by the wayside now. Included in this is my sister's constant berating, again of how useless and worthless I am, and about how she's not going to pay me back on the car loan I gave her.
As many of you are also aware..I've lost my very best and closest friend, just a few weeks ago. The only 'person' who was always there for me, every day or night, no matter what. The only 'person' who would happily give me a nice tight hug or a loving kiss..despite some grumblings. The one who would defend me to the death, no matter who or what was the aggressor..be it friend or family or foe. I could always depend on him, and his death was a major, major piece of my life gone missing. As such..I have nothing binding me to my home now. It's simply a house..a place for my stuff, a place to sleep and eat. And I try to do those last two away from here as much as I can.
I've had many other dramas to deal with. Everything from my new car having the traction of oil on glass in anything other than dry weather, plus the several other 'mostly-small-but-annoying-and/or-expensive' repairs it needs(rear wheel bearings, strut mounts rusted out, ABS nonfunctional, O2 sensor, crank sensor, throttle position sensor..all bad, possible vacuum leak, bad evap system..the list goes on and on and on), to simple shit, like my gaming computer dying permanently, like AT&T's repeated overages and bullshit charges, like my fancy $1500 camera needing repair AGAIN. Overlaying all of these problems is college life is beating me up pretty bad. It's both a blessing and a curse..it gets me out of the house for 8-10 hours a day...but it comes with /so damned much work/, and I only return home exhausted and even less willing to put up with my family's bullshit.
I haven't even really put any thought into Christmas shopping..I just can't think lately, being so overwhelmed. I haven't bought any gifts..I don't know what to get anyone. Buying my dad a gift is of particular difficulty, because anytime I start looking into it, I just get pissed off.
It's really just..hard to deal with everything, all at once, and never stopping save for the brief moments I can get away. The overnight visits at Kia's are of great benefit, in particular. Without the constant support of my close friends, I don't know where I'd be right now..but I'm certain I'd be in a much, much worse place.
Again, apologies to anyone I've snapped at or bitten. And thank you to those of you who have, more or less(mostly more), kept me alive.