Snow White Parody
Hey, all- I reposted this because the corrections I made to the parody just weren't showing up. You can't have a Snow White story without the apple, after all.
Snow White
Once upon a time, a Queen was sitting at her window sewing, looking at the scenery, and embodying boredom. Then, in an emo moment, she stabs herself with one of her needles, and randomly decides to hold her arm out the window so she can bleed on the snow.
MUMMY DEAREST: Red, white and black…yeah…those are good colours for a football team…
KING: What did you say, dear?
MUMMY DEAREST: I mean, I wish my daughter will have hair as black as ebony, skin as white as ivory and lips as red as blood.
KING: But we’re both blonde, dear.
After Snow White is born, Mummy Dearest dies. Yes, from an infected cut on her hand.
MUMMY DEAREST: I leave…all my possessions…to the St. Kilda Football Club…
KING: What did you say, dear?
MUMMY DEAREST: I mean, I leave…all my possessions…to my colour-coordinated daughter…
And after Mummy Dearest dies, the King decides he just can’t do without a pretty woman hanging round windows bleeding, and remarries. Her dowry is a creepy mirror.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
KING: Er, honey, could I borrow that mirror? I’d like to see if the mirror knows about any political unrest in the kingdom…
QUEEN: No.
MIRROR: Yes, you’re still the fairest. And the vainest.
QUEEN: Rock on!
Things continue in this way until Snow White is far enough through puberty to have acquired some curves.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Er…through totally objective scientific measures…
QUEEN: What?
MIRROR: Analysis has determined…and extensive polling suggests that…
QUEEN: What?
MIRROR: And this is only a professional result, mind, says nothing about my personal preference…
QUEEN: WHAT?
MIRROR: SnowWhiteisprettierthanyou. PleasedontkillmeIwanttolive.
SNOW WHITE: XD!
QUEEN: Right! I’ve had enough of her, with her incessant chatting to birds and bees, with her perfect colour coordination, and most of all, with those damned emoticons!
SNOW WHITE: O_o?
QUEEN: Huntsman! Take her into the woods and kill her. Oh, and bring me back some proof you killed her. Say…a body part that can’t be identified as hers.
So the huntsman takes Snow White out into the woods to be slaughtered.
SNOW WHITE: T_T
HUNTSMAN: Awwww, I can’t kill you! But, hey, y’know, maybe there’s something you can do for me in return for your life…
Before the huntsman can get any friendlier, Snow White sets some bees on him.
SNOW WHITE: Lolz, bees.
And she sensibly runs into the forest instead of returning to somewhere inhabited and seeking protection there. In the meantime, the huntsman heads to the butchers’.
HUNTSMAN: Hey, what’s a body part that can’t be identified as not belonging to the princess?
BUTCHER: Here, have a cow’s tongue.
HUNTSMAN: I dunno…it’s a bit big…
BUTCHER: Look, you’ve come just before closing time. What did you expect?
So the huntsman takes the tongue to the Queen. Who has it cooked in garlic butter. As you do, if you’re an insanely jealous evil stepmother.
Snow White, meanwhile, is hopelessly lost.
SNOW WHITE: T_T!
But then she finds a house. In the middle of the forest. She plays Goldilocks for a bit and goes to sleep. For some reason, she’s surprised when the house turns out to be occupied.
SNOW WHITE: =O
DWARVES: Get out.
SNOW WHITE: T_T
DWARVES: Awwww, we can’t evict you. But, y’know, maybe there’s something you can do for us…
As it’s only the cooking and cleaning, Snow White does not feel obliged to set the bees on the dwarves.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Same as yesterday. Please don’t hurt me.
QUEEN: But I had her killed!
MIRROR: You didn’t ask me about any other goings-on in the kingdom. Only who looks the best.
QUEEN: Where is she, then?
MIRROR: Housecleaning for a bunch of dwarves in the middle of a forest. Nobody but the dwarves are going to see her, so I shouldn’t worry about it.
QUEEN: SHOULDN’T?
MIRROR: Take the northeast path into the forest. The cottage is just over some hills. You can’t miss the hills, at least.
The Queen decides to dress up as an old and ugly pedlar woman for the specific purpose of killing her stepdaughter.
‘PEDLAR WOMAN’: Corsets for sale! Totally non-choking!
SNOW WHITE: :D
‘PEDLAR WOMAN’: Here, let me lace it up for you.
SNOW WHITE: XD! … x_x! *ded*
When the dwarves get back home they unlace the corset.
DWARVES: Damn, woman, you may be hot, but you’re sure not bright. Don’t let anyone in!
Back in the castle:
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Er…
QUEEN: It’s still Snow White, right?
MIRROR: Yep.
So the Queen dresses up as an old widow and goes back to try and kill her stepdaughter again.
‘OLD WIDOW’: Combs for sale! Totally non-poisonous!
SNOW WHITE: :D
‘OLD WIDOW’: Here, let me comb your hair.
SNOW WHITE: XD! ... x_x! *ded*
When the dwarves get home they take the comb out of her hair.
DWARVES: Don’t you ever learn, woman?
And back at the castle again:
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Snow White, I’m afraid.
QUEEN: Can’t she just die? Oh well. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most psychopathic of them all?
MIRROR: I think you’ve got that one in the bag.
The Queen dresses up as a peasant’s wife and returns to kill her stepdaughter again, though the disguise should be wearing thin.
‘PEASANT’S WIFE’: Apples for sale! Totally non-choking and non-poisonous!
SNOW WHITE: … :D
‘PEASANT’S WIFE’: Here, let me cut it up for you.
SNOW WHITE: XD! … x_x *ded*
And she returns to the castle.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: That’d be you.
QUEEN: Finally!
MIRROR: And the most vain, and the most jealous, and the most psychopathic, and the-
QUEEN: That’s quite enough out of you.
When the dwarves return home, they cannot revive Snow White.
So they stick her in a glass case. As you do. Or at least as the Russians and the Chinese did.
Life continues on, until your generic Prince wanders into the clearing the dwarves decided to stick Snow White’s display case in.
PRINCE: ZOMG BOOBIES!
DWARVES: You can’t take the case.
PRINCE: ☹
DWARVES: Ah, you speak the same language. Okay, take her.
And this would have been a useless gesture had not one of the pallbearers tripped and shook the piece of apple out of Snow White’s throat.
SNOW WHITE: O_O?
PRINCE: XD!
SNOW WHITE: S2!
PRINCE: S2!
You can see where this is going, right? They accidentally invited Snow White’s stepmother to the wedding. But before she left for it, she had some preparation to do.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Normally I’d say you, but there’s no upstaging the bride on her wedding day.
The Queen rocked up to the wedding day, where as soon as the Prince realised that this was the psychopath responsible for his meeting Snow White, he had her killed by dancing in red-hot iron shoes.
PRINCE: ^_^
SNOW WHITE: ^_^
And they lived XD ever after.
Okay, now this time I KNOW it's fixed. *glares at lj*
Snow White
Once upon a time, a Queen was sitting at her window sewing, looking at the scenery, and embodying boredom. Then, in an emo moment, she stabs herself with one of her needles, and randomly decides to hold her arm out the window so she can bleed on the snow.
MUMMY DEAREST: Red, white and black…yeah…those are good colours for a football team…
KING: What did you say, dear?
MUMMY DEAREST: I mean, I wish my daughter will have hair as black as ebony, skin as white as ivory and lips as red as blood.
KING: But we’re both blonde, dear.
After Snow White is born, Mummy Dearest dies. Yes, from an infected cut on her hand.
MUMMY DEAREST: I leave…all my possessions…to the St. Kilda Football Club…
KING: What did you say, dear?
MUMMY DEAREST: I mean, I leave…all my possessions…to my colour-coordinated daughter…
And after Mummy Dearest dies, the King decides he just can’t do without a pretty woman hanging round windows bleeding, and remarries. Her dowry is a creepy mirror.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
KING: Er, honey, could I borrow that mirror? I’d like to see if the mirror knows about any political unrest in the kingdom…
QUEEN: No.
MIRROR: Yes, you’re still the fairest. And the vainest.
QUEEN: Rock on!
Things continue in this way until Snow White is far enough through puberty to have acquired some curves.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Er…through totally objective scientific measures…
QUEEN: What?
MIRROR: Analysis has determined…and extensive polling suggests that…
QUEEN: What?
MIRROR: And this is only a professional result, mind, says nothing about my personal preference…
QUEEN: WHAT?
MIRROR: SnowWhiteisprettierthanyou. PleasedontkillmeIwanttolive.
SNOW WHITE: XD!
QUEEN: Right! I’ve had enough of her, with her incessant chatting to birds and bees, with her perfect colour coordination, and most of all, with those damned emoticons!
SNOW WHITE: O_o?
QUEEN: Huntsman! Take her into the woods and kill her. Oh, and bring me back some proof you killed her. Say…a body part that can’t be identified as hers.
So the huntsman takes Snow White out into the woods to be slaughtered.
SNOW WHITE: T_T
HUNTSMAN: Awwww, I can’t kill you! But, hey, y’know, maybe there’s something you can do for me in return for your life…
Before the huntsman can get any friendlier, Snow White sets some bees on him.
SNOW WHITE: Lolz, bees.
And she sensibly runs into the forest instead of returning to somewhere inhabited and seeking protection there. In the meantime, the huntsman heads to the butchers’.
HUNTSMAN: Hey, what’s a body part that can’t be identified as not belonging to the princess?
BUTCHER: Here, have a cow’s tongue.
HUNTSMAN: I dunno…it’s a bit big…
BUTCHER: Look, you’ve come just before closing time. What did you expect?
So the huntsman takes the tongue to the Queen. Who has it cooked in garlic butter. As you do, if you’re an insanely jealous evil stepmother.
Snow White, meanwhile, is hopelessly lost.
SNOW WHITE: T_T!
But then she finds a house. In the middle of the forest. She plays Goldilocks for a bit and goes to sleep. For some reason, she’s surprised when the house turns out to be occupied.
SNOW WHITE: =O
DWARVES: Get out.
SNOW WHITE: T_T
DWARVES: Awwww, we can’t evict you. But, y’know, maybe there’s something you can do for us…
As it’s only the cooking and cleaning, Snow White does not feel obliged to set the bees on the dwarves.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Same as yesterday. Please don’t hurt me.
QUEEN: But I had her killed!
MIRROR: You didn’t ask me about any other goings-on in the kingdom. Only who looks the best.
QUEEN: Where is she, then?
MIRROR: Housecleaning for a bunch of dwarves in the middle of a forest. Nobody but the dwarves are going to see her, so I shouldn’t worry about it.
QUEEN: SHOULDN’T?
MIRROR: Take the northeast path into the forest. The cottage is just over some hills. You can’t miss the hills, at least.
The Queen decides to dress up as an old and ugly pedlar woman for the specific purpose of killing her stepdaughter.
‘PEDLAR WOMAN’: Corsets for sale! Totally non-choking!
SNOW WHITE: :D
‘PEDLAR WOMAN’: Here, let me lace it up for you.
SNOW WHITE: XD! … x_x! *ded*
When the dwarves get back home they unlace the corset.
DWARVES: Damn, woman, you may be hot, but you’re sure not bright. Don’t let anyone in!
Back in the castle:
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Er…
QUEEN: It’s still Snow White, right?
MIRROR: Yep.
So the Queen dresses up as an old widow and goes back to try and kill her stepdaughter again.
‘OLD WIDOW’: Combs for sale! Totally non-poisonous!
SNOW WHITE: :D
‘OLD WIDOW’: Here, let me comb your hair.
SNOW WHITE: XD! ... x_x! *ded*
When the dwarves get home they take the comb out of her hair.
DWARVES: Don’t you ever learn, woman?
And back at the castle again:
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Snow White, I’m afraid.
QUEEN: Can’t she just die? Oh well. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most psychopathic of them all?
MIRROR: I think you’ve got that one in the bag.
The Queen dresses up as a peasant’s wife and returns to kill her stepdaughter again, though the disguise should be wearing thin.
‘PEASANT’S WIFE’: Apples for sale! Totally non-choking and non-poisonous!
SNOW WHITE: … :D
‘PEASANT’S WIFE’: Here, let me cut it up for you.
SNOW WHITE: XD! … x_x *ded*
And she returns to the castle.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: That’d be you.
QUEEN: Finally!
MIRROR: And the most vain, and the most jealous, and the most psychopathic, and the-
QUEEN: That’s quite enough out of you.
When the dwarves return home, they cannot revive Snow White.
So they stick her in a glass case. As you do. Or at least as the Russians and the Chinese did.
Life continues on, until your generic Prince wanders into the clearing the dwarves decided to stick Snow White’s display case in.
PRINCE: ZOMG BOOBIES!
DWARVES: You can’t take the case.
PRINCE: ☹
DWARVES: Ah, you speak the same language. Okay, take her.
And this would have been a useless gesture had not one of the pallbearers tripped and shook the piece of apple out of Snow White’s throat.
SNOW WHITE: O_O?
PRINCE: XD!
SNOW WHITE: S2!
PRINCE: S2!
You can see where this is going, right? They accidentally invited Snow White’s stepmother to the wedding. But before she left for it, she had some preparation to do.
QUEEN: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
MIRROR: Normally I’d say you, but there’s no upstaging the bride on her wedding day.
The Queen rocked up to the wedding day, where as soon as the Prince realised that this was the psychopath responsible for his meeting Snow White, he had her killed by dancing in red-hot iron shoes.
PRINCE: ^_^
SNOW WHITE: ^_^
And they lived XD ever after.
Okay, now this time I KNOW it's fixed. *glares at lj*