The world will never be the same again.
It's been some time journal. Some time since I've used you to express how I feel.
This is hitting me harder than it should. And it is all hitting me within the last hour. I've known about this for nearly 12 hours, and have been able to deal just fine. But now... Now it hurts. Now it makes me want to cry. Now it makes my heart break. Maybe it was just needing to say what he was to me. Or to actually say the words, "He is dead." Maybe it was talking to Kyle Britten or seeing what is possibly the only photo that I am in with him on Lester's facebook. The simple thing is that, I am without a person to talk to this moment, which is no fault of anyone's, and often how I prefer these things.
I just don't know how to deal, and I feel selfish for having these emotions, when I know that there were people that were closer to him, that knew him longer, better, were closer, and here I am having my own reaction, and unable to deal with it, yet alone provide them support in what is surly their time of need. To those friends that read this and feel what I can only imagine is ten fold what I feel, I am truly sorry that I cannot give you the support that I wish I could and assume you need.
I am not good with death. I understand the logic of it. All things end. For life there must be death. For good there must be evil. Up Down. Black White. I get the logic of it. But I don't get the fairness of it. He wasn't old. Old people die. Yes, it's still hard when they are close to us, but we know that it was coming. People two years older than I am don't die. They shouldn't. It's not right. And to all those "God" lovers out there, where is your just and fair God now... For this "Lord" you put faith in just took a shinning soul on this planet, and left many dark ones. He made innocents cry, and made them feel pain... and for what reason? Where is the logic in this, oh Lord, you feckless thug! You Coward!
I was never overly close to Joe Jo. I often felt that there was a playful battle going on between me and him, who could have the wittier comment to any misspoken line. I always liked him though, I always wanted to know him more. To be something to him. I had a deep infatuation for him.... and that was based on more than his appearance, which was always so... so... great.. so cool. He and I could wear the same thing and yet somehow it would be 10 times cooler on him. His smile was to die for, and his intelligence was a magnet to me. For these reason and more I wished I knew him better. I wished I'd seen him more than at the parties we both attended and the after-parties where I would strive to learn more about him in my own way.
He will be missed by me, even though recently I only knew him through his tweets. But even in 160 characters or less, he could out wit me. He will be missed.
I feel that the breakdown I am having is more about when he went than simply him going. Let me just say this.... People need to stop. Just fucking stop. This whole Death thing is not a trend... so stop fucking doing it! I can't take it...
But his passing has made me think about mortality. He was older than me sure, but by what less than 2 years, that doesn't really count. His time stopped. And yes, the rest of this might seem selfish, so I alert you so you can stop reading, but what follows in no way is to detract from the feelings I have of his untimely passing.
I'm scared to die.
I'm scared because I have so much that I want to do still. I'm scared that I will die alone. Without a person to call my own. Without someone there to hold my hand as I pass on from this world into the blackness that awaits me. Into the nothing that I believe is waiting to take me. I am scared that my heart will stop beating and no one will find me for days. I'm scared of death. And I don't think that is something that is odd or wrong or to be ashamed off. It scares me. I am not ready. And yet, my friend has passed, without fair warning.
I've never been the one to come to with the overly-serious stuff.... I have trouble dealing with the hard things... and so when times are tough I drink to forget, and I make jokes about it to lighten the mood. I feel that this is not acceptable in this case, and hence I have not made contact with many people due knowing that I would say something wrong. I don't want to do that.
Kyle - I love you. I feel that you are the person I know that will be hurt the most by this. I know that you and I have not been close over the years as we once were, and that I can never fully understand the relationship that you and Joe Jo had with each other. My heart goes out to you in any and every way that it can. I do love you, and I am here for you if ever you wish to call on me. I am truly sorry that you have to deal with this.
To everyone else.... I feel that we should celebrate the times that we had with Joe Jo. His smile was infectious, and he touched our lives greatly. We should remember the times we all shared with him, and while there are to be no more, that doesn't mean the his spirit will not move us to do things in his honor, and when that feeling comes you should without questions follow that feeling.
I love all of you. And while I might not see you as often as I should, my thoughts are always with you in your times of crisis.
We will all come through this, in time, and in our own ways. Life will never been the same, there will be a hole, and while nothing will replace that hole, we will, in time, accept that it is not something to be sad about, but to know that we were indeed blessed with the presence of someone so great and so beautiful as he was to each of us on our own way.
I am always here for each of you, if ever you need me. And I love you all.
This is hitting me harder than it should. And it is all hitting me within the last hour. I've known about this for nearly 12 hours, and have been able to deal just fine. But now... Now it hurts. Now it makes me want to cry. Now it makes my heart break. Maybe it was just needing to say what he was to me. Or to actually say the words, "He is dead." Maybe it was talking to Kyle Britten or seeing what is possibly the only photo that I am in with him on Lester's facebook. The simple thing is that, I am without a person to talk to this moment, which is no fault of anyone's, and often how I prefer these things.
I just don't know how to deal, and I feel selfish for having these emotions, when I know that there were people that were closer to him, that knew him longer, better, were closer, and here I am having my own reaction, and unable to deal with it, yet alone provide them support in what is surly their time of need. To those friends that read this and feel what I can only imagine is ten fold what I feel, I am truly sorry that I cannot give you the support that I wish I could and assume you need.
I am not good with death. I understand the logic of it. All things end. For life there must be death. For good there must be evil. Up Down. Black White. I get the logic of it. But I don't get the fairness of it. He wasn't old. Old people die. Yes, it's still hard when they are close to us, but we know that it was coming. People two years older than I am don't die. They shouldn't. It's not right. And to all those "God" lovers out there, where is your just and fair God now... For this "Lord" you put faith in just took a shinning soul on this planet, and left many dark ones. He made innocents cry, and made them feel pain... and for what reason? Where is the logic in this, oh Lord, you feckless thug! You Coward!
I was never overly close to Joe Jo. I often felt that there was a playful battle going on between me and him, who could have the wittier comment to any misspoken line. I always liked him though, I always wanted to know him more. To be something to him. I had a deep infatuation for him.... and that was based on more than his appearance, which was always so... so... great.. so cool. He and I could wear the same thing and yet somehow it would be 10 times cooler on him. His smile was to die for, and his intelligence was a magnet to me. For these reason and more I wished I knew him better. I wished I'd seen him more than at the parties we both attended and the after-parties where I would strive to learn more about him in my own way.
He will be missed by me, even though recently I only knew him through his tweets. But even in 160 characters or less, he could out wit me. He will be missed.
I feel that the breakdown I am having is more about when he went than simply him going. Let me just say this.... People need to stop. Just fucking stop. This whole Death thing is not a trend... so stop fucking doing it! I can't take it...
But his passing has made me think about mortality. He was older than me sure, but by what less than 2 years, that doesn't really count. His time stopped. And yes, the rest of this might seem selfish, so I alert you so you can stop reading, but what follows in no way is to detract from the feelings I have of his untimely passing.
I'm scared to die.
I'm scared because I have so much that I want to do still. I'm scared that I will die alone. Without a person to call my own. Without someone there to hold my hand as I pass on from this world into the blackness that awaits me. Into the nothing that I believe is waiting to take me. I am scared that my heart will stop beating and no one will find me for days. I'm scared of death. And I don't think that is something that is odd or wrong or to be ashamed off. It scares me. I am not ready. And yet, my friend has passed, without fair warning.
I've never been the one to come to with the overly-serious stuff.... I have trouble dealing with the hard things... and so when times are tough I drink to forget, and I make jokes about it to lighten the mood. I feel that this is not acceptable in this case, and hence I have not made contact with many people due knowing that I would say something wrong. I don't want to do that.
Kyle - I love you. I feel that you are the person I know that will be hurt the most by this. I know that you and I have not been close over the years as we once were, and that I can never fully understand the relationship that you and Joe Jo had with each other. My heart goes out to you in any and every way that it can. I do love you, and I am here for you if ever you wish to call on me. I am truly sorry that you have to deal with this.
To everyone else.... I feel that we should celebrate the times that we had with Joe Jo. His smile was infectious, and he touched our lives greatly. We should remember the times we all shared with him, and while there are to be no more, that doesn't mean the his spirit will not move us to do things in his honor, and when that feeling comes you should without questions follow that feeling.
I love all of you. And while I might not see you as often as I should, my thoughts are always with you in your times of crisis.
We will all come through this, in time, and in our own ways. Life will never been the same, there will be a hole, and while nothing will replace that hole, we will, in time, accept that it is not something to be sad about, but to know that we were indeed blessed with the presence of someone so great and so beautiful as he was to each of us on our own way.
I am always here for each of you, if ever you need me. And I love you all.