For Me, It's You
I still haven't played with the modem or router to really figure out why I am getting such slow download speeds for my torrent downloads. The problem is probably something to do with it being on DSL and not having the connections set right. I still am able to download but it stops at around 25 kb/s but for it to hold near that is rare. Either way I'm downloading a game currently, but it won't be done until tomorrow morning probably, just due to speeds and due to me wanting to be doing something online. Hence, I'll turn the download off at times, but It's just a pain.
I filled out two online applications this evening. One for Costco and the other for Wal-Mart. Not that I want to really work at the latter, but there isn't much here to choose from so it has to be on the list of places to apply at. Tomorrow I'll do some of the other places here that have online applications as well. Later this week, my mom is going to take me into town to grab some applications as well. Hopefully, within a couple weeks I'll have a job and will be starting to work towards moving back to the city that I want to be in.
Before doing that, I got my dresser and couch into my room. I think that once I'm done getting everything arranged and put away in here it will really look and feel very nice. I already like the general concept that I'm going with. Eventually, I may paint in here too, if we all end up staying in this place. Anyway, I now have a TV and my game systems set up in the room. My brother and I share the Dish receiver though so that might cause some issues later on down the road, but for now it will work. Plus, I'm going to try to refocus so of the ways I live my life. Which at the time I'm thinking of cutting out most of the TV that I do watch, not that I watched that much anyway.
Issues abound with Anthony. When do they not. When do they NOT?? Often hearing from him only makes me more depressed about my life, but at the same time he's my love and my best and only friend at the moment so I long to hear his voice and crave his attention. That's something that I'm not getting. I feel that I'm sitting here in Hell without a job, without hope, without any way to help him or do anything for him, and he's out having fun with new boys. He's meeting others and telling me about them. Which to be fair, I asked to know. But I didn't like hearing that he was giving someone a back massage this afternoon when we both happend to be on aim and then he gets off when I came back from away which would have been at least some time for us to talk.
I really miss having him around. I miss talking to him. I miss hearing from him. We've talked most of the days that I've been up here, but it's not the same as having him here by my side. That's what I want too. I don't want him to move to Olympia, I don't want him living with another boy in Everett, I don't want him moving to NH to live with his parents. I want him here. I fucking want him here with me. I just don't know how to make it work right now and everyday I'm without him pisses me off more and more and more. I've never felt so lost in the world without someone like I do right now without him. I found my damn Soulmate, now it's all about getting us together for the rest of my life. And getting him to let me make a life for the both of us.
I know what I need to do. I know what I want to do. I can get what I need to do done with time. The problem is that I can't think of a way to get what I want to do done.
I want to move Anthony up here and get an apartment of our own in this damn town. I know it's not something that is the best, but IF the two of us could make it happen, I know it would make me feel whole again.
PS. I simply can't resist Hell's Kitchen. I really want Rock to win.
PPS. Find and listen to "Storm" by Lifehouse, and yes I know you hate them, but just hear the song and know that I couldn't stop thinking of you through the whole thing.
how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright
I filled out two online applications this evening. One for Costco and the other for Wal-Mart. Not that I want to really work at the latter, but there isn't much here to choose from so it has to be on the list of places to apply at. Tomorrow I'll do some of the other places here that have online applications as well. Later this week, my mom is going to take me into town to grab some applications as well. Hopefully, within a couple weeks I'll have a job and will be starting to work towards moving back to the city that I want to be in.
Before doing that, I got my dresser and couch into my room. I think that once I'm done getting everything arranged and put away in here it will really look and feel very nice. I already like the general concept that I'm going with. Eventually, I may paint in here too, if we all end up staying in this place. Anyway, I now have a TV and my game systems set up in the room. My brother and I share the Dish receiver though so that might cause some issues later on down the road, but for now it will work. Plus, I'm going to try to refocus so of the ways I live my life. Which at the time I'm thinking of cutting out most of the TV that I do watch, not that I watched that much anyway.
Issues abound with Anthony. When do they not. When do they NOT?? Often hearing from him only makes me more depressed about my life, but at the same time he's my love and my best and only friend at the moment so I long to hear his voice and crave his attention. That's something that I'm not getting. I feel that I'm sitting here in Hell without a job, without hope, without any way to help him or do anything for him, and he's out having fun with new boys. He's meeting others and telling me about them. Which to be fair, I asked to know. But I didn't like hearing that he was giving someone a back massage this afternoon when we both happend to be on aim and then he gets off when I came back from away which would have been at least some time for us to talk.
I really miss having him around. I miss talking to him. I miss hearing from him. We've talked most of the days that I've been up here, but it's not the same as having him here by my side. That's what I want too. I don't want him to move to Olympia, I don't want him living with another boy in Everett, I don't want him moving to NH to live with his parents. I want him here. I fucking want him here with me. I just don't know how to make it work right now and everyday I'm without him pisses me off more and more and more. I've never felt so lost in the world without someone like I do right now without him. I found my damn Soulmate, now it's all about getting us together for the rest of my life. And getting him to let me make a life for the both of us.
I know what I need to do. I know what I want to do. I can get what I need to do done with time. The problem is that I can't think of a way to get what I want to do done.
I want to move Anthony up here and get an apartment of our own in this damn town. I know it's not something that is the best, but IF the two of us could make it happen, I know it would make me feel whole again.
PS. I simply can't resist Hell's Kitchen. I really want Rock to win.
PPS. Find and listen to "Storm" by Lifehouse, and yes I know you hate them, but just hear the song and know that I couldn't stop thinking of you through the whole thing.
how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright
I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface
if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light
and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright