Love Is Breaking My Heart.
I've been here in Sequim for a full day and night now. Today, I returned the truck to a rental place and went to Costco with my brother. Coming back to what is for the time being, my home again, I tried to clear up a little bit of what will become my room. I still haven't got my bed in the room yet and for now have been sleeping on the top bunk in my brother's room. Tomorrow I'm going to have to end up going to my Uncle's place for the 4th which I'm not over pleased with currently. I'm just not happy. I'm becoming depressed and I'm taking out my depression with smoking and eating more than I should and need to be. It's so boring here. Even my download speeds are slow. My mom talked about needing to get a sprinkler when we were home this evening at like 8pm and I suggested that if she needed it then why not go get it? The general reply was that after a certain amount of time there is no use to leave the house because it's just too late in the night. Which really annoyed me. Mainly because at 8pm in Seattle, I would catch a bus and head wherever to hang out with people or get something or be in the arms of the boy I love. Adjusting to this life again will be very hard to do. It's something that I don't want to get used to however, because I want to move back to Seattle as quickly as I can. I regret that I choose not to take my mom on the offer of her giving me another 2000$ to try for another month there, but the fact is I don't think I would have been able to deal with it. Either choice I had was lose lose and that's what really kind of sucked about the choice that I had to make. I really hate life at the moment.
Tonight, I got a message from Anthony saying that Greg, the boy he's currently staying with, wants to date him. He posed in the text the question of should he risk losing a place to live by not dating this boy or should he date him and when I move back leave him for me. It put me in a bad mood. I knew that Greg was planning this. I knew that Greg wanted Anthony. Honestly, I have nothing to be upset about. Anthony and I technically aren't together and haven't been for at least a month's time. I just can't deal with the idea the boy that I am in love with, the boy that I honestly feel is my Soulmate, will be in the arms of some punk all because I couldn't make my life work so that I could stay in Seattle. It just offends me. It offends me that Greg would even pose the question to Anthony and put him in a situation like that. Anthony called me tonight before he told me this text and on the call said that Greg stormed out of the apartment all because Anthony was on the phone with me. I really want to beat some sense into this fucker. And I use that word rarely when talking about people. I know that Greg is one of these "typical" Seattle Queers who have no tact or class when it comes to smiple things like respect for something like this. I felt that from the first time Anthony called me when he was with Greg and at the end of the call didn't say "I love you" back to me and then later implied that it was because Greg was in the room. Greg told Anthony that he shouldn't be having sex with me because "it wouldn't help him move on" which I knew actually meant, "So that you and I can start having sex."
I hate where I am emotionally. There is no other single person IN THE WORLD that I have felt this much emotion for. And now I feel that I'm going to lose him to some boy that is worthless and lacks any sort of respect for the emotion called love. Anthony has implied that he feels Greg already "loves" him and I don't doubt that Greg acts like he does. But he has no respect for what love is since I've only been gone for 36 hours and he's trying to move in on the love of my life. And called me old-fashioned, but love doesn't happen in one week. It takes time to grow and mold into something really. Anthony is amazingly cute and I could see why someone would want to be with him and even love him. But I know that NO SINGLE PERSON can or will ever love him like I do.
I've yet to take my ring off that was the symbol of Anthony and me being together. And I don't want to remove it. But with this other boy moving in on him, it now not only reminds me of my love but it reminds me of the person I could kill for stealing the one that holds my heart.
Whoever said, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." Had never lost love.
Tonight, I got a message from Anthony saying that Greg, the boy he's currently staying with, wants to date him. He posed in the text the question of should he risk losing a place to live by not dating this boy or should he date him and when I move back leave him for me. It put me in a bad mood. I knew that Greg was planning this. I knew that Greg wanted Anthony. Honestly, I have nothing to be upset about. Anthony and I technically aren't together and haven't been for at least a month's time. I just can't deal with the idea the boy that I am in love with, the boy that I honestly feel is my Soulmate, will be in the arms of some punk all because I couldn't make my life work so that I could stay in Seattle. It just offends me. It offends me that Greg would even pose the question to Anthony and put him in a situation like that. Anthony called me tonight before he told me this text and on the call said that Greg stormed out of the apartment all because Anthony was on the phone with me. I really want to beat some sense into this fucker. And I use that word rarely when talking about people. I know that Greg is one of these "typical" Seattle Queers who have no tact or class when it comes to smiple things like respect for something like this. I felt that from the first time Anthony called me when he was with Greg and at the end of the call didn't say "I love you" back to me and then later implied that it was because Greg was in the room. Greg told Anthony that he shouldn't be having sex with me because "it wouldn't help him move on" which I knew actually meant, "So that you and I can start having sex."
I hate where I am emotionally. There is no other single person IN THE WORLD that I have felt this much emotion for. And now I feel that I'm going to lose him to some boy that is worthless and lacks any sort of respect for the emotion called love. Anthony has implied that he feels Greg already "loves" him and I don't doubt that Greg acts like he does. But he has no respect for what love is since I've only been gone for 36 hours and he's trying to move in on the love of my life. And called me old-fashioned, but love doesn't happen in one week. It takes time to grow and mold into something really. Anthony is amazingly cute and I could see why someone would want to be with him and even love him. But I know that NO SINGLE PERSON can or will ever love him like I do.
I've yet to take my ring off that was the symbol of Anthony and me being together. And I don't want to remove it. But with this other boy moving in on him, it now not only reminds me of my love but it reminds me of the person I could kill for stealing the one that holds my heart.
Whoever said, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." Had never lost love.