A Night, Much Needed
I was able to spend some time with Chandler last night here at my place. It was much needed. I've been feeling the strain of being alone(not lonely) over the past few days. It was nice to just be able to talk with someone again. Even better was the fact that it was the one person that I feel able to open myself up to.
The odd thing that always makes me smile with Chandler is how much a like we are and yet we are vastly different. I've always felt that with him there's been the ability to transmit meaning and ideas without having to be worried about how it comes out or that I said all the details as he is able to clean up the message and I the same with him. That being said it was nice to hang out with him here alone without the worry of Ryan or Anthony or anyone for that matter being in the room or making us cut our conversation short. It was nice to talk with him on so many levels.
I had a lot of things happening this weekend and oddly enough, I didn't talk to anyone or really leave my apartment. I spent a lot of time thinking things over. I spent a lot of it just existing. It was somewhat surreal for me. I've been wanting to write some things out but I've just not been in the mood this past week due to work and staring at a computer screen for hours while I'm there. But now I'll at least get something out to the world, if for nothing else that tonight was much needed and much appreciated.
I know that there was more that the two of us should have got to, but I sent him home around 130 so that I could just be with my inner thoughts for a little while tonight. I hope that at some point this week we'll be able to connect again and just chat about the deeper issues that we can skim over like it's nothing and still convey so much meaning. There are some old posts that I want to read to him as well.
The void that was left by Anthony is growing smaller but is still very much there. Like I said, I've been spending a lot of my time alone recently and it's given me time to digest the thoughts and events that was the relationship. I did send him a text telling him that I loved and missed him, while I was on the way home from work. A simple gesture, sure. But it was huge in me taking a step into the unknown.
Not that telling him that I love him is a huge unknown, but his reply was an unknown. Would he even reply? Would he see that I was, in my own way, reaching out and sending emotion? Would I get a cynical replay from him? It was something of the unknown. I had hope for what I would get back, but hope can never take the place of certainty. He did reply. Simply saying that he missed me too and asked how I was. I was a little shaken that there wasn't a mention of "I love you too" in the reply, but I didn't let it take me down into some crazy thought train that I normally would have hopped right on. I told him that I was okay, feeling a bit sick, lonely at times, and that I've been working on a letter to him. Nothing back from him after that, which was fine. My hope is that when I get home from work, so long as I can sit in front of a computer screen still, that I will finish the letter that I'm working on for him, although to say finish isn't right there. Wrap it up. End. Bring to a close. The concepts in the letter strike at something that cannot at this time come be finished.
Anyway... Enough about that. Tonight, overall, was a great night. I even enjoyed walking back from Target in the downpour of rain. I feel that it helped to cleanse my soul.
Now to plan my day for work. Off to check the bus times....
The odd thing that always makes me smile with Chandler is how much a like we are and yet we are vastly different. I've always felt that with him there's been the ability to transmit meaning and ideas without having to be worried about how it comes out or that I said all the details as he is able to clean up the message and I the same with him. That being said it was nice to hang out with him here alone without the worry of Ryan or Anthony or anyone for that matter being in the room or making us cut our conversation short. It was nice to talk with him on so many levels.
I had a lot of things happening this weekend and oddly enough, I didn't talk to anyone or really leave my apartment. I spent a lot of time thinking things over. I spent a lot of it just existing. It was somewhat surreal for me. I've been wanting to write some things out but I've just not been in the mood this past week due to work and staring at a computer screen for hours while I'm there. But now I'll at least get something out to the world, if for nothing else that tonight was much needed and much appreciated.
I know that there was more that the two of us should have got to, but I sent him home around 130 so that I could just be with my inner thoughts for a little while tonight. I hope that at some point this week we'll be able to connect again and just chat about the deeper issues that we can skim over like it's nothing and still convey so much meaning. There are some old posts that I want to read to him as well.
The void that was left by Anthony is growing smaller but is still very much there. Like I said, I've been spending a lot of my time alone recently and it's given me time to digest the thoughts and events that was the relationship. I did send him a text telling him that I loved and missed him, while I was on the way home from work. A simple gesture, sure. But it was huge in me taking a step into the unknown.
Not that telling him that I love him is a huge unknown, but his reply was an unknown. Would he even reply? Would he see that I was, in my own way, reaching out and sending emotion? Would I get a cynical replay from him? It was something of the unknown. I had hope for what I would get back, but hope can never take the place of certainty. He did reply. Simply saying that he missed me too and asked how I was. I was a little shaken that there wasn't a mention of "I love you too" in the reply, but I didn't let it take me down into some crazy thought train that I normally would have hopped right on. I told him that I was okay, feeling a bit sick, lonely at times, and that I've been working on a letter to him. Nothing back from him after that, which was fine. My hope is that when I get home from work, so long as I can sit in front of a computer screen still, that I will finish the letter that I'm working on for him, although to say finish isn't right there. Wrap it up. End. Bring to a close. The concepts in the letter strike at something that cannot at this time come be finished.
Anyway... Enough about that. Tonight, overall, was a great night. I even enjoyed walking back from Target in the downpour of rain. I feel that it helped to cleanse my soul.
Now to plan my day for work. Off to check the bus times....