Look For Understanding In The Snow, You Look Outstanding In The Snow
Sometimes there is an thing that makes us see what we are. Sometimes there are plans in motion that can change the outcome of life and interrupt the plans that we're trying to make happen. I know that I'm not the best or easiest person to live with by any means, but have I been putting in the effort to make myself more tolerable? I doubt it.
Currently, I've been pushing my boyfriend to the ends of what he can take. Perhaps it's that I'm unable to fully understand what I have. Maybe it's that I'm still after all this time unable to allow myself to move on from the mistakes I made in the last relationship. I can't really know. I've talked to my group of close friends which seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the day and I'm no closer to an answer on where I should turn.
One thing I've noticed in this relationship is that I've lost my sex drive. It's just not there. We'll mess around from time to time, but we've yet to have sex. I sleep next to him almost nightly and I've yet to get myself to just go all the way. And I don't know why. I've lost my drive to fuck and I can't tell why or where it's gone. It remains something that will bother me very much until I figure out where it is or why I have became like this.
Something else that bothers me and makes me feel uneasy is my ability to get along so well and easily with my new friend, Chandler. We go off on subjects and just throw jokes back and forth to each other. I have never laughed so pure and true with another person as I have with him when we're watching the Colbert Report or reading nicknames that Chris Berman has gave out to people over the ages. With Anthony there is work it's hard. I feel he often doesn't get the level of my humor and takes everything I say to heart. Like if I was to tell Chandler that it's hell to spend an hour with him he'd shoot back some retort on how if he wasn't getting paid oodles of money from God then he would have killed me off already... or something off the cuff like that. Say the same thing to Anthony and it's a fight or he's moody and I'm trying to clear up that I was making an off the wall joke with no harm meant. My strong connection to Chandler bothers me because of my weak connection with Anthony. It makes me feel like I'm cheating on Anthony intellectually, which is stupid to feel as mental connections aren't something that I've ever ranaway from. But then again, this has never been an issue with me before.
When Blake was around he was my mental connection. He could read me like a book and would play along with my humor like Chandler has been able to in our short time together. I don't know what to do to make me not feel like I'm not being faithful to Anthony when mentally I want this other person around to roll jokes off of and to make my general stabs at the world. It's just strange to me. It just feel sometimes that we really weren't meant to be together, but at the same time I know that I care a lot about him and for him and am generally happier now that he's been in my life more. Maybe it's just needing more fine tuning to the way things work between us and then I'll find my stride with him.
Is it wrong that I still long for a few other boys at times? Not like seriously thinking of what it'd be like to be with them, but somewhat wishing things had worked better between me that them? And no... I am not speaking of Blake.
Currently, I've been pushing my boyfriend to the ends of what he can take. Perhaps it's that I'm unable to fully understand what I have. Maybe it's that I'm still after all this time unable to allow myself to move on from the mistakes I made in the last relationship. I can't really know. I've talked to my group of close friends which seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the day and I'm no closer to an answer on where I should turn.
One thing I've noticed in this relationship is that I've lost my sex drive. It's just not there. We'll mess around from time to time, but we've yet to have sex. I sleep next to him almost nightly and I've yet to get myself to just go all the way. And I don't know why. I've lost my drive to fuck and I can't tell why or where it's gone. It remains something that will bother me very much until I figure out where it is or why I have became like this.
Something else that bothers me and makes me feel uneasy is my ability to get along so well and easily with my new friend, Chandler. We go off on subjects and just throw jokes back and forth to each other. I have never laughed so pure and true with another person as I have with him when we're watching the Colbert Report or reading nicknames that Chris Berman has gave out to people over the ages. With Anthony there is work it's hard. I feel he often doesn't get the level of my humor and takes everything I say to heart. Like if I was to tell Chandler that it's hell to spend an hour with him he'd shoot back some retort on how if he wasn't getting paid oodles of money from God then he would have killed me off already... or something off the cuff like that. Say the same thing to Anthony and it's a fight or he's moody and I'm trying to clear up that I was making an off the wall joke with no harm meant. My strong connection to Chandler bothers me because of my weak connection with Anthony. It makes me feel like I'm cheating on Anthony intellectually, which is stupid to feel as mental connections aren't something that I've ever ranaway from. But then again, this has never been an issue with me before.
When Blake was around he was my mental connection. He could read me like a book and would play along with my humor like Chandler has been able to in our short time together. I don't know what to do to make me not feel like I'm not being faithful to Anthony when mentally I want this other person around to roll jokes off of and to make my general stabs at the world. It's just strange to me. It just feel sometimes that we really weren't meant to be together, but at the same time I know that I care a lot about him and for him and am generally happier now that he's been in my life more. Maybe it's just needing more fine tuning to the way things work between us and then I'll find my stride with him.
Is it wrong that I still long for a few other boys at times? Not like seriously thinking of what it'd be like to be with them, but somewhat wishing things had worked better between me that them? And no... I am not speaking of Blake.