Love is watching somene die
So here I am. Alone. The first time in years that I haven't been in bed with someone after my night of birth. I'm not really sad. Not feeling empty. Not feeling like I should be searching for a boy to hold onto or to let myself love. I'm doing pretty well. And at the same time I'm not. I'm in a state of refletion currently. Thinking about my dinner with Stuart made this happen. He made me open myself up. Well he didn't make me, he opened the door and I foolishly walked in. Not something I was planning or wanted to have happen on my birthday. Opening the door mad eme question myself and my life. It's not where I thought I would be. When I was 18, I had this 5 year plan. This is year 5 and it would have had me getting my degree in History, living in a downtown apartment, and being happy with a boyfriend. Now of course, I'm unable to control the last one with my actions alone, but the other two I've not fought for nor tried to get in some time. Instead, I'm single, working day to day, trying to make enough, and overall doing all right. I need to attempt to make a relationship with my father work. I do know that I don't like him, but he is my father and to have him as my father is something that is probably important and something that will make me feel better about my life. He is a dark part of my past and makes me cry when I think of things he's done to me, but I'll try. With an email I'll send after this. Maybe it's just the time of year. Maybe it's just that I'm getting older and realizing that the time ahead keeps getting shorter.
Tonight, I learned more about what Stuart thinks about me. I am still unsure on what I really want from him in respect to dating. He's different that the other people that I've been with. He's older then anyone that I've been with in a very long time. There's no doubt that he's a very nice person and he'd be someone that I could see myself with in time. It's just that I'm unsure in this time and space if he is the one that I truly seem myself being with. Is he someone that I could fall for? I don't really know the answers to this nor do I think they will come without deep inner thinking and time. I just don't get that rush when I see him that I have with other people. Maybe thats not a bad thing though. I'm not rushing into this like I have with the people in the past. I haven't been thinking about him every moment of my days. And it isn't anything that has or hasn't done to me or for me. Maybe I'm really just afraid of the concept still but I don't think that it's that point at all. I think that I'm just unwilling to let it be so simple for myself. I don't know. I don't know how to make it clear. I don't know what to say to make everything make sense in my mind or to you at all. It's just something that has been on my mind tonight.
I saw Joey tonight. He was at Rplace. Bought me a drink for my birthday. Watched the show with me. Then I had to leave and he gave me a big hug goodbye and seemed a little sad that I was leaving so shortly after seeing him. Truth of the matter is that I would have loved to have spent more time with him. Seeing him has always made me happy. And makes me smile a bit. Even though I've only seen him the few times. He's just got a way about him that I like. Can't place that one either. Either way, it was nice to see him there tonight. A pretty boy in the face of things on the night I go out. Yea. I'm rambling here I think.
So with that since last night my phone has not been able to send or receive text messages. I found this out tonight when I met Carmen at the bar and she called me asking why I wasn't replying to my messages from her. Called Cingular and they say that there is a problem with some data server or something in the area. I asked if that was so why then, have my friends on the same carrier been able to send and recieve text just fine all day and at that very moment. It apperently is not effecting all phones just mine and others in the region..... right. But with the call she told me that it should be working once again by the morning. Telling her it was very inconvenient for this to be down for over 24 hours and for them not to inform me, she simply said she was sorry and they have now made it a priority. Which made me wonder, why wasn't fixing the Seattle area's data problem a priority. Anyways, when it comes back up I'm going to call them agian and ask that the credit me for all the messages that weren't sent out when they needed to be and to credit anyone that has sent me a message over the last day because it's not right that they have been coming to me, but not being sent to the phone. So if you messaged me about my birthday, thank you. I'm not ignoring your message I just haven't got it and hopefully will in a few hours.
Talked very shortly with Brittin tonight too. I need to send him a message/email and tell him Thanks, and that I didn't mean to make our converstaion so short tonight.
Okay... well I think I'm going to head off an email my father. Really I don't know what I'm doing to write to him. It's been about nine months since I've seen or spoken to him. It's like I've nothing to say, even though I have everything to say to him about where my life is heading and where it is going and what it brings to me and my outlook on the world and life. But at the same time it's like I don't want him to know all of that as it gives me pleasure to withhold it from him, yet also means he'll be able, once again, to say that he's not proud of me.
In the meantime, if you want to do anything give me a call, don't text as I won't get it.
So who's going to watch you die?..
Tonight, I learned more about what Stuart thinks about me. I am still unsure on what I really want from him in respect to dating. He's different that the other people that I've been with. He's older then anyone that I've been with in a very long time. There's no doubt that he's a very nice person and he'd be someone that I could see myself with in time. It's just that I'm unsure in this time and space if he is the one that I truly seem myself being with. Is he someone that I could fall for? I don't really know the answers to this nor do I think they will come without deep inner thinking and time. I just don't get that rush when I see him that I have with other people. Maybe thats not a bad thing though. I'm not rushing into this like I have with the people in the past. I haven't been thinking about him every moment of my days. And it isn't anything that has or hasn't done to me or for me. Maybe I'm really just afraid of the concept still but I don't think that it's that point at all. I think that I'm just unwilling to let it be so simple for myself. I don't know. I don't know how to make it clear. I don't know what to say to make everything make sense in my mind or to you at all. It's just something that has been on my mind tonight.
I saw Joey tonight. He was at Rplace. Bought me a drink for my birthday. Watched the show with me. Then I had to leave and he gave me a big hug goodbye and seemed a little sad that I was leaving so shortly after seeing him. Truth of the matter is that I would have loved to have spent more time with him. Seeing him has always made me happy. And makes me smile a bit. Even though I've only seen him the few times. He's just got a way about him that I like. Can't place that one either. Either way, it was nice to see him there tonight. A pretty boy in the face of things on the night I go out. Yea. I'm rambling here I think.
So with that since last night my phone has not been able to send or receive text messages. I found this out tonight when I met Carmen at the bar and she called me asking why I wasn't replying to my messages from her. Called Cingular and they say that there is a problem with some data server or something in the area. I asked if that was so why then, have my friends on the same carrier been able to send and recieve text just fine all day and at that very moment. It apperently is not effecting all phones just mine and others in the region..... right. But with the call she told me that it should be working once again by the morning. Telling her it was very inconvenient for this to be down for over 24 hours and for them not to inform me, she simply said she was sorry and they have now made it a priority. Which made me wonder, why wasn't fixing the Seattle area's data problem a priority. Anyways, when it comes back up I'm going to call them agian and ask that the credit me for all the messages that weren't sent out when they needed to be and to credit anyone that has sent me a message over the last day because it's not right that they have been coming to me, but not being sent to the phone. So if you messaged me about my birthday, thank you. I'm not ignoring your message I just haven't got it and hopefully will in a few hours.
Talked very shortly with Brittin tonight too. I need to send him a message/email and tell him Thanks, and that I didn't mean to make our converstaion so short tonight.
Okay... well I think I'm going to head off an email my father. Really I don't know what I'm doing to write to him. It's been about nine months since I've seen or spoken to him. It's like I've nothing to say, even though I have everything to say to him about where my life is heading and where it is going and what it brings to me and my outlook on the world and life. But at the same time it's like I don't want him to know all of that as it gives me pleasure to withhold it from him, yet also means he'll be able, once again, to say that he's not proud of me.
In the meantime, if you want to do anything give me a call, don't text as I won't get it.
So who's going to watch you die?..