that's what everybody says until they find a body in the basement.

[ebcdic]

so i've been having episodes lately. actually, i didn't even notice them until mom pointed out some of the symptoms. mainly mixed and depressive ones. i'm feeling this intense need to just be left alone but it's coupled by loneliness and the sinking feeling that i'm not wanted around. anywhere. i'm fairly sure this has been triggered by incredible stress at work combined with the shitty weather, so i've been relaxing all day with vinni and trying not to think much of anything beyond what's on the tv. but i really want to do something. write something. paint something. do something brilliant. i feel sick when i think about starting anything though because i know it won't be what i see in my head. nothing ever is anymore. i feel like the drugs have somehow lobotomized the right side of my brain. all that's left (ha) is the cold logic, the ability to code, just reality and nothing beyond it.

sometimes i think about going off my meds but then i think about how i was the last time i went off them. being an agoraphobic with paranoid delusions is not all it's cracked up to be, i can assure you.

oi, enough of this. i seriously need to re-do my icons. anyone know where i can find some good torchwood or criminal minds ones?