(no subject)
I have kind of taken some time off from my social life lately, and I realize that it is one of the best things I have ever done. Yes, I'm sad again, but I'm happy that I'm sad. I feel human again. Maybe I am a destructive person or something, and it's quite possible that there are a lot of things wrong with me, but I don't know... I just feel like a better person when I have time to think a lot and such. Three of my best friends moved into an apartment together, and I was really sad that I didn't move in with them at first, but I'm so happy now. I don't think I'd ever really have any time to myself and that it would probably ruin our friendship anyway.
I am kind of cutting out the love aspect of my life for a while. I thought I didn't have feelings for my ex after we hung out, but honestly, I do and always will. It's hard and it hurts, but I think this is one of those things that I need to just let go.
For the last few months, I thought that I had gained self confidence... but all I really did was ignore the things about myself that I didn't like. I also thought over the last couple of years I had become a much nicer person, but I think I am still just as mean as before... I just don't say all the mean shit I think. I also think that I am meanest to myself and I need to quit sacraficing myself to make other peopole happy. I don't think I really care if anyone else is happy, I just like to look like a good person... and that's wrong. I think I am one of the most selfish people I know... and completely dishonest for trying to hide that.
I found out a few days ago that one of my cousin's comitted suicide. I never met her because I was really young when we moved here and she has lived in Florida her entire life. I feel terrible because she must have thought that nothing would ever be good... and I always feel like my life isn't good... and it must be better than that, becuase I would never commit suicide. It makes me feel bad for complaining about anything.
Maybe I don't really think I'm a bad person... but I think that the fact that I am smart enough to realize the bad things about myself and that I haven't changed any of them reflects that I'm actually really shallow.
I am kind of cutting out the love aspect of my life for a while. I thought I didn't have feelings for my ex after we hung out, but honestly, I do and always will. It's hard and it hurts, but I think this is one of those things that I need to just let go.
For the last few months, I thought that I had gained self confidence... but all I really did was ignore the things about myself that I didn't like. I also thought over the last couple of years I had become a much nicer person, but I think I am still just as mean as before... I just don't say all the mean shit I think. I also think that I am meanest to myself and I need to quit sacraficing myself to make other peopole happy. I don't think I really care if anyone else is happy, I just like to look like a good person... and that's wrong. I think I am one of the most selfish people I know... and completely dishonest for trying to hide that.
I found out a few days ago that one of my cousin's comitted suicide. I never met her because I was really young when we moved here and she has lived in Florida her entire life. I feel terrible because she must have thought that nothing would ever be good... and I always feel like my life isn't good... and it must be better than that, becuase I would never commit suicide. It makes me feel bad for complaining about anything.
Maybe I don't really think I'm a bad person... but I think that the fact that I am smart enough to realize the bad things about myself and that I haven't changed any of them reflects that I'm actually really shallow.