Petty Addictions and other delightful fantasies

[ebadger]

So I am pumping myself full of this tea. Its worked so well so far but old demons have come creeping back into my head. God's folly to make me bleed so I can atone some sin within my soul. I wish there was a way I could go back. Back to when I was a child and I trusted the world around me. When I didn't shrink from an outstretched hand. When I could take a complement with thinking it was sarcastic. I wish I could be a kid again. I would be different I would be good. I would pay attention. I would do my work. I wouldn't dream of far off worlds that didn't exist. But as my year of shrinkdom told me its not my fault. SO whose fault was it. My darling mother's negative reinforcement of everything but my art. My tainting at my crucial metamorphosis. The ridicule of being big cheeked, wild haired, bespectacled and stronger than all the boys in my class. Maybe its the curse that she placed upon my already wounded mind. No, its the curse God placed on me. Foresight,Like Cassandra's bitter gift. Love is a bitter tasting word now. Its reeks of pain and sorrow. It flows through me like Heroin. Warming me making me happy then I begin to shake and sweat. I become paranoid, afraid of it. I want it to end. When its does. I want it twice as bad.

"I have made the big decision
I'm gonna try to nullify my life
'Cause when the blood begins to flow
When it shoots up the dropper's neck
When I'm closing in on death
And you can't help me now, you guys
And all you sweet girls with all your sweet talk
You can all go take a walk
And I guess that I just don't know
And I guess that I just don't know"