My life = reasonable stress
This week is just not fun. Nothing about it. All the things that might be fun about it, like doing art or drama or spending time with people I like, are not fun because I either don't have time to do those things or I'm too tired and stressed out to enjoy them. I know that I'm unreasonable in my neuroses, nothing bad is happening to me, and I am very grateful for my friends and family and all the things that I've been blessed with. I realize that just being born into the life I have is reason enough that I should be content. But it's not, in fact, the priveleges I've been given are almost a burden unto themselves. I mean, to realize how lucky I am makes me feel like I have to be work that much harder to deserve what I have. I don't want to be handed a blessed life, and then waste it due to my own laziness or apathy. I don't want some starving refugee who's lost his home in the tsunami, or a war, or whatever to deserve my life more than I do (not that I think I deserve my life more than they do right now. I'm not into social darwinism). It's just a lot of pressure. I feel like the way my life has gone, if I'm not successful, it's my own fault. There have never been any roadblocks preventing me from achieving my goals or the expectations that other people have for me. There's just been support, so if I fuck up, it's really my own fault. And I don't want that too happen. I think that's what I become so inordinately neurotic, or overly upset, or critical, because I think I have to be an ambitious perfectionist, or else I'm wasting my life. At the same time, I realize hoe completely ridiculous that sounds. From worrying and working so much, I'm missing out on all of the fun I should and could be having right now, which I won't be able to enjoy when I'm older and riddled with actual responsibilities. But it's like I can't enjoy mysle.f I set myself these incredibly strict timetables, and allot myself like an hour a day to have fun, or take a nap, or hang out with brenna (like today). But I don't even enjoy those things because I'm so preoccupied and fixated on all the things I won't be able to get done because I'm spending time "enjoying" myself. It's gotten to the point that I feel guilty for getting more than 6 hours of sleep. That seems like I'm wasting my time. At the same time I'm feeling all this pressure to perform academically, I'm also becoming way more interested in these creative things, like drama, but especially art. And I'm not letting myself indulge in those thigns because they are impractical and not conducive to me getting into college. I know that it's irrational of me to think like that, but I don't want to make decisions, like pursuing art and then failing at it, that I will regret later on in life. Also, I have all these changing friendships right now, and I'm feeling like I've outgrown a lot of my old friends, not in an arrogant way, I just think I've gotten a lot more serious (not depressed) in the past few months, and I would rather have fewer, but more meanignful, friendships than a really active social life. I'm not even embarrassed about that, there are Friday nights when all I want to do is come home and sleep or read or whatever, and that doesn't bother me. I don't really care where I fit in into the Miramonte social scene, because I have about as much disdain for that scene as the people in it have for me. I know that people think I'm arrogant, and I feel bad about that. It's not like I think that I'm better than anyone, it's just that I've found socializing with certain groups of people makes me insecure and it isn't worth it for me. I'm just in a really weird place, and the idea of withstanding 1.5 more years of high school really freaks me out. I can't think of anything productive I can get out of that time, though I'm sure at the the end of these next 18 months I'll be a completely differetn person than I am now. I'm also just stressed out about finals, and the fact that so many people around me are so stressed out. It's nice to know that other people are going through the same things, but at the same time it's depressing to think that everyone has to suffer through this ridiculous and unreasonable pressure. AHHHHH!!!!! I just need finals to be over so I can sleep and relax and enjoy myself. And I should probably quit my job. Ok, I've procrastinated enough, I'm going to go feel guilty for wasting time I should have spent studying. Goodnight