Don't want to go
I'm just terrified now about moving. Leaving, as I think of it. This week, have booked up for lunch with lovely Gail from 'Tis Pity, and my friend Flow who will talk lots (she's just got back from a round world trip) and take my mind off things. Get a send off dinner at Alex's on Friday- I miss him so much, it's agony. The one person who could genuinelly make me feel better about all these horrible proceedings and I don't get him for a week.
It's cause I can't visualise myself there. I mean, I wanted to get into RADA for 4/5 years, more than anything else, but now it's a genuine prospect, I've no idea what it will actually be like. My flat is mostly furnished- the bedroom entirely complete. It was a long weekend of Dad and I sporadically falling out over how to construct bookcases. Half-brother and his wife came over, which was nice. All sorts of people live locally but I'm really worried that I'm going to get genuinely very depressed not being able to see Alex very often at all. I know, once I get into things and (hope to GOD) I make friends, I'll have enough going on that I forget to mind but... he's the only person in the world who can make me feel like everything is OK. There's perpetually something missing when he's not there.
So so frightened. It just feels as if I'm furnishing a hotel room at the moment, it doesn't feel like a real home yet. It's not a case of wanting other people around to do things for me, it's feeling frightened of such an uncertain future. At the moment, that fear of being without Alex, without my room and my house, is outweighing my desire to get the best drama training. Which is stupid and selfish. I wish I was being braver.
Also, just a thing: I don't drink. Which is the main reason I don't go to parties, or at least, you know, Part-ay parties. Already people on the RADA Facebook page are like, "Let's get wasted together!" Fuck. I don't know how to even begin broaching that issue. I swear, I don't judge anyone else for drinking. I don't judge people for smoking either. It's a personal choice, but God it makes my social life nonexistant. Ever tried to have fun in a club without being ratarsed?
It's cause I can't visualise myself there. I mean, I wanted to get into RADA for 4/5 years, more than anything else, but now it's a genuine prospect, I've no idea what it will actually be like. My flat is mostly furnished- the bedroom entirely complete. It was a long weekend of Dad and I sporadically falling out over how to construct bookcases. Half-brother and his wife came over, which was nice. All sorts of people live locally but I'm really worried that I'm going to get genuinely very depressed not being able to see Alex very often at all. I know, once I get into things and (hope to GOD) I make friends, I'll have enough going on that I forget to mind but... he's the only person in the world who can make me feel like everything is OK. There's perpetually something missing when he's not there.
So so frightened. It just feels as if I'm furnishing a hotel room at the moment, it doesn't feel like a real home yet. It's not a case of wanting other people around to do things for me, it's feeling frightened of such an uncertain future. At the moment, that fear of being without Alex, without my room and my house, is outweighing my desire to get the best drama training. Which is stupid and selfish. I wish I was being braver.
Also, just a thing: I don't drink. Which is the main reason I don't go to parties, or at least, you know, Part-ay parties. Already people on the RADA Facebook page are like, "Let's get wasted together!" Fuck. I don't know how to even begin broaching that issue. I swear, I don't judge anyone else for drinking. I don't judge people for smoking either. It's a personal choice, but God it makes my social life nonexistant. Ever tried to have fun in a club without being ratarsed?