Love me or kill me, Alex
I just melted for a while in the sun, which was super lovely.
‘Tis Pity going v well- lines too. Even reduced to crying in a couple of scenes on Sun; powerful stuff. Even if it is incest. Impressively, we’ve managed a run of the first half give or take after 12 days of rehearsal! Ben (my brother-lover) no longer sick so we’re actually able to kiss instead of just staring vacantly at each other on lines such as “Kiss me! And again! Yet again!”
Very very interesting (horrible) thing happened with Alex on Saturday:
We went into Oxford city centre on the soul-destroying mission of strolling into shops and businesses with BRIGHT BRIGHT smiles and reeling off the same old, “Hey, don’t know if you’d be happy to display any posters for...” etc One point, Alex and I split up so he could cover one side of a street and I the other. When I came back- don’t ask me why I said it, I’m an idiot- I sang the praises of a beautiful Pakistani looking man I’d given a flyer to. Looked like Prince of Persia.
Alex questioned me briefly then fell silent. Next half hour was just awful. He walked five steps ahead of me and barely spoke to me. Really hot and clammy so I put it down to that but his whole attitude changed towards me, no affection or softness. Eventually, he left me to sit and worry at a coffee table while he dropped off the last of the flyers before finally coming back to me with a death-mask expression.
Ailsa: Hey, are you alright?
Alex: Mm? Yes.
Ailsa: *gingerly smiling* You look very unalright.
A long pause, as if he was debating whether or not to bring it up. Then at last.
Alex: It’s just what you said about that man. And a few other things you’ve said before. Just feel a bit...second-choice.
I went fucking cold. Man I’m hugely in love with- I’d made him feel that? I couldn’t believe it.
Ailsa: ...what do you mean?
Alex: I’m starting to feel like...like I’m the wrong colour.
Ailsa: Oh my God. Alex, no. No! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that guy was more beautiful than you! There’s no one, God, there’s no one I find more physically attractive than you!
And he didn’t say much after that, just let me beg him to believe me. All those idiotic times I’d casually complimented a black sportsman or an asian face. I had to explain it’s only that I expected to fall for those faces, not that I was determined to. To paraphrase a 5 minute desperate talk, I said, “I can’t help who I fall in love with” and finally just stumbled round the table to hug and kiss him because I really had no idea he cared. You should have seen the hurt in his face. I’d hurt my man.
I swear he is the most beautiful man in the world to me. He seemed to acquiesce after that and I kissed him and told him he’s my favourite person in the world.
He’s not very much the sort of person who worries what people think of him but apparently not me, at least. Scarily, he guessed right. One of my reservations about crushing on him was that he was too whitebred. And in day to day life, yes, I do find black and middle eastern faces more attractive. But Alex is NOT day to day life; he is many many stratospheres ABOVE day to day life. No one even comes close to him. I hope he knows that.
After that, we went to see The Winslow Boy, which was EPICKLY good. Teared up near the end. Brilliantly acted and Alex isn’t easily pleased but he loved it too. He knew what was going to happen at the end and I didn’t but we found it equally gripping.
Walking back to the car in the half-dark, I apologised again about before. “Thing is, I said, “I don’t know how much goes in with you. I talk a lot and you have a low capacity for rubbish” Which he laughed at then said, “Oh no, everything goes in.” “I don’t know if that’s more or less troubling.” “More, I should think,” he said.
Making love with him is like making love with fire. And it’s totes now my new guilty pleasure watching him sleep. And he really is so beautiful. Urrggh, sorry, I know I’m disgustingly gushy but I didn’t know I had it in me to love someone this much. I thought I’d be so cool and collected. But I mention him in every post now. I resent losing bits of myself, being less independent than I’d hoped etc but I’m stupidly happy whenever I’m with him, stupidly miserable without him. I hurt him and always expected it to be the other way around. Kinda scary to realise you can have an affect on a person like that. Stupid me.
I love him so much.
Loads of rehearsals now. And lots of Man-hours logged; if I’m not staying with him this week, he’s staying with me. Hooray! Going to hospital for someone to check out my shoulder and- woo! GUESS WHAT! Apparently I’ve been walking round with a broken hand and foot without noticing it for 3 weeks. I’m a fool. Mum’s doing loads of book promotion bits: PREORDER HER NEW BOOK!!
‘Tis Pity going v well- lines too. Even reduced to crying in a couple of scenes on Sun; powerful stuff. Even if it is incest. Impressively, we’ve managed a run of the first half give or take after 12 days of rehearsal! Ben (my brother-lover) no longer sick so we’re actually able to kiss instead of just staring vacantly at each other on lines such as “Kiss me! And again! Yet again!”
Very very interesting (horrible) thing happened with Alex on Saturday:
We went into Oxford city centre on the soul-destroying mission of strolling into shops and businesses with BRIGHT BRIGHT smiles and reeling off the same old, “Hey, don’t know if you’d be happy to display any posters for...” etc One point, Alex and I split up so he could cover one side of a street and I the other. When I came back- don’t ask me why I said it, I’m an idiot- I sang the praises of a beautiful Pakistani looking man I’d given a flyer to. Looked like Prince of Persia.
Alex questioned me briefly then fell silent. Next half hour was just awful. He walked five steps ahead of me and barely spoke to me. Really hot and clammy so I put it down to that but his whole attitude changed towards me, no affection or softness. Eventually, he left me to sit and worry at a coffee table while he dropped off the last of the flyers before finally coming back to me with a death-mask expression.
Ailsa: Hey, are you alright?
Alex: Mm? Yes.
Ailsa: *gingerly smiling* You look very unalright.
A long pause, as if he was debating whether or not to bring it up. Then at last.
Alex: It’s just what you said about that man. And a few other things you’ve said before. Just feel a bit...second-choice.
I went fucking cold. Man I’m hugely in love with- I’d made him feel that? I couldn’t believe it.
Ailsa: ...what do you mean?
Alex: I’m starting to feel like...like I’m the wrong colour.
Ailsa: Oh my God. Alex, no. No! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that guy was more beautiful than you! There’s no one, God, there’s no one I find more physically attractive than you!
And he didn’t say much after that, just let me beg him to believe me. All those idiotic times I’d casually complimented a black sportsman or an asian face. I had to explain it’s only that I expected to fall for those faces, not that I was determined to. To paraphrase a 5 minute desperate talk, I said, “I can’t help who I fall in love with” and finally just stumbled round the table to hug and kiss him because I really had no idea he cared. You should have seen the hurt in his face. I’d hurt my man.
I swear he is the most beautiful man in the world to me. He seemed to acquiesce after that and I kissed him and told him he’s my favourite person in the world.
He’s not very much the sort of person who worries what people think of him but apparently not me, at least. Scarily, he guessed right. One of my reservations about crushing on him was that he was too whitebred. And in day to day life, yes, I do find black and middle eastern faces more attractive. But Alex is NOT day to day life; he is many many stratospheres ABOVE day to day life. No one even comes close to him. I hope he knows that.
After that, we went to see The Winslow Boy, which was EPICKLY good. Teared up near the end. Brilliantly acted and Alex isn’t easily pleased but he loved it too. He knew what was going to happen at the end and I didn’t but we found it equally gripping.
Walking back to the car in the half-dark, I apologised again about before. “Thing is, I said, “I don’t know how much goes in with you. I talk a lot and you have a low capacity for rubbish” Which he laughed at then said, “Oh no, everything goes in.” “I don’t know if that’s more or less troubling.” “More, I should think,” he said.
Making love with him is like making love with fire. And it’s totes now my new guilty pleasure watching him sleep. And he really is so beautiful. Urrggh, sorry, I know I’m disgustingly gushy but I didn’t know I had it in me to love someone this much. I thought I’d be so cool and collected. But I mention him in every post now. I resent losing bits of myself, being less independent than I’d hoped etc but I’m stupidly happy whenever I’m with him, stupidly miserable without him. I hurt him and always expected it to be the other way around. Kinda scary to realise you can have an affect on a person like that. Stupid me.
I love him so much.
Loads of rehearsals now. And lots of Man-hours logged; if I’m not staying with him this week, he’s staying with me. Hooray! Going to hospital for someone to check out my shoulder and- woo! GUESS WHAT! Apparently I’ve been walking round with a broken hand and foot without noticing it for 3 weeks. I’m a fool. Mum’s doing loads of book promotion bits: PREORDER HER NEW BOOK!!