Prayer. It hurts.
Jenny and I were on our way home.. 10 mph all the way.. so I had a lot of time to think.. I know tonight will be another night with out sleep. I know I'll sleep with my phone by my head hoping it will ring.. hoping he will call..hoping for his friendship but some part of me knows it's not going to happen. He was the one for me.. I thought he was.. hoped and prayed he was.. because I have never been with anyone like him before.. I could tell him anything. Sometimes i was scared to but in the end I knew I could.
I don't get it. Why did God put something so fuckin' wonderful in front of me.. and then put a wall between us? He knew .. He fucking knew I couldn't give up everything I have here to go live eighteen hours away. He knew. So why did he give me Nathan? Why did he let me love him so much? Why did the one for me have to be the one person I can't be with? It's not fuckin' fair. I know he'll never call again. I know we won't be good friends. I know there is no future for us anymore.
I keep going to bed hoping and praying maybe it's all just one fucked up nightmare. I can't read the Dark Tower with out thinking about him. I can't get into bed without thinking about him.. In fact I've been sleeping on the couch lately.. but still not sleeping.
What does someone do when they plan their entire future and their entire life around another person and then suddenly the picture changes? I have no future anymore. My life is as fucked up as can be. My OCD is all over the fuckin place. And I can't do anything right. Everything is out of order. And fuck.. the mental break down I had still didn't make things right. Usually after the break down.. I can fix things but I can't. Nothing is right. Nothing is together. What the fuck did I do? What the fuck did he do to deserve this? He didn't do anything. It's not fair.
Pathetic. It's all my fault. My life is not a life anymore. I can put on a fake smile most the time but as soon as I get to thinking it's all over. I even got out of jenny's car with a smile and a joke and laugh.. and then that door closed and I came up into the living room and it was all over. I broke. I shattered. And I know I will never have him or anyone like him again. And I couldn't be who he wanted me to be. God help me.
I don't get it. Why did God put something so fuckin' wonderful in front of me.. and then put a wall between us? He knew .. He fucking knew I couldn't give up everything I have here to go live eighteen hours away. He knew. So why did he give me Nathan? Why did he let me love him so much? Why did the one for me have to be the one person I can't be with? It's not fuckin' fair. I know he'll never call again. I know we won't be good friends. I know there is no future for us anymore.
I keep going to bed hoping and praying maybe it's all just one fucked up nightmare. I can't read the Dark Tower with out thinking about him. I can't get into bed without thinking about him.. In fact I've been sleeping on the couch lately.. but still not sleeping.
What does someone do when they plan their entire future and their entire life around another person and then suddenly the picture changes? I have no future anymore. My life is as fucked up as can be. My OCD is all over the fuckin place. And I can't do anything right. Everything is out of order. And fuck.. the mental break down I had still didn't make things right. Usually after the break down.. I can fix things but I can't. Nothing is right. Nothing is together. What the fuck did I do? What the fuck did he do to deserve this? He didn't do anything. It's not fair.
Pathetic. It's all my fault. My life is not a life anymore. I can put on a fake smile most the time but as soon as I get to thinking it's all over. I even got out of jenny's car with a smile and a joke and laugh.. and then that door closed and I came up into the living room and it was all over. I broke. I shattered. And I know I will never have him or anyone like him again. And I couldn't be who he wanted me to be. God help me.