Change of gears
I've been having insomnia lately, and once more my thoughts turned to my online presence. I have been unhappy with it lately, and am slowly realizing why. I've said some of this before...
I've been trying to recapture my glory days on 2k5 ever since I sort of faded out. Things sort of got to where I wasn't all that interested many years ago, and I've only been able to drum up interest in fairly small bursts since. I've never been able to get into any other MUSH either. I think the truth is that I'm not really into MUSHes, and that I only was into 2k5 so much for a period is because it was of such rare quality during that time. (Someone on 2k5, possibly Galvatron, tried to convince me that 2k5 was never as great as I remembered it being! Ha!) I always say that a MUSH is often driven to success by one (or a few) player, who pushes things forward and inspires others; a truly creative person who leads others creatively. For a few years 2k5 had many people like that and they all meshed pretty well, so the MUSH moved steadily in a consistant direction. The players were very high quality RPers, overall. Best of all, I liked a lot of them very much and would consider them friends. I came into the middle of this period, and it lured me right in. The MUSH has often been very good or good -- and occassionally not so great -- but I don't think it's ever reached those days again.
I think I've been trying to recapture that era ever since, aggressively tryig to befriend people who don't want to be my friends. I've often said that if people have a problem with me, they can talk to me. Some people seem to prefer to ignore me, avoiding my attempts to befriend them for reasons unbeknownst to me. This bothers me, and I can only assume I've overrated these people. Others attack me with snotty condescension. I don't think I need to even bother to dismiss people like that! I'm trying to recapture an era that can never occur again at this point, and I'm just raining on the parade of those who are content with how things are. I'm not saying it was better than it is now, but rather that it suited my personal needs. Perhaps I can better serve the MUSH by simply vanishing from it.
I have become increasingly passive over the years, and I fear I have crossed too far into passiveness. People seem to not take me seriously or respect me. While much of that is too silly to even bother responding too, I think I need to step things up a bit and become more stern. One who suffers fools must continue to suffer them!
I have also been trying too hard to please everyone and be everyone's friend and not offend anyone. This must end. I've been comprimising myself to do so. You just can't ever please everyone. I need to stop wondering if I'll hurt people's feelings or make people angry and start saying what I feel. I've trapped myself in a cycle of trying to impress people who look down on me or will never be my friend no matter what I say or do. This must stop. Not speaking my mind for fear of offending people is dishonest and dishonesty is more hurtful than truth, every time.
Which brings me to this blog. I have been trying to use it to create discussions and debates, and I've used many ploys to lure people into responding to me, but I am overwhelmingly met with silence. As I told Flem on 2k5, 'I wanted my LJ to be like a message board where I can talk about things of interest to me to my friends, but it's more like I'm a crazy guy on a street corner jabbering to himself.' So, I'm going to avoid bringing up any of you or addressing any of you or talking about MUSHes at all from now on. I'm not sure what to write, at this point, if anything. What can I write on here that isn't better off being written on paper for myself alone? I guess I'll speak of my beliefs and philosophies. Those sorts of things are best shared, I think! I'll cut back on nerdish stuff and creative endeavors -- I don't think anyone on here cares about any of that stuff -- except occassional video game news and stuff of that sort. Essays on Ultima and my writings are best kept to myself, I think, for now. Unfortunately that means cutting back on a bunch of my positive type entries, which I really tried hard to keep up for the sake of not being TOO depressing.
I like to say I can get along with everyone, and I believe it's nearly true. I can speak peaceably with everyone and overlook their quirks, and say only inspid things in the presence of small-minded people. However, there is a world of difference between someone you can get along with and a friend. A friend is someone you can trust and who can trust you. Someone who is willing to help you when you are in need and accept your aid when it is offered. So I ask of each of you, are you my friend?
I've been trying to recapture my glory days on 2k5 ever since I sort of faded out. Things sort of got to where I wasn't all that interested many years ago, and I've only been able to drum up interest in fairly small bursts since. I've never been able to get into any other MUSH either. I think the truth is that I'm not really into MUSHes, and that I only was into 2k5 so much for a period is because it was of such rare quality during that time. (Someone on 2k5, possibly Galvatron, tried to convince me that 2k5 was never as great as I remembered it being! Ha!) I always say that a MUSH is often driven to success by one (or a few) player, who pushes things forward and inspires others; a truly creative person who leads others creatively. For a few years 2k5 had many people like that and they all meshed pretty well, so the MUSH moved steadily in a consistant direction. The players were very high quality RPers, overall. Best of all, I liked a lot of them very much and would consider them friends. I came into the middle of this period, and it lured me right in. The MUSH has often been very good or good -- and occassionally not so great -- but I don't think it's ever reached those days again.
I think I've been trying to recapture that era ever since, aggressively tryig to befriend people who don't want to be my friends. I've often said that if people have a problem with me, they can talk to me. Some people seem to prefer to ignore me, avoiding my attempts to befriend them for reasons unbeknownst to me. This bothers me, and I can only assume I've overrated these people. Others attack me with snotty condescension. I don't think I need to even bother to dismiss people like that! I'm trying to recapture an era that can never occur again at this point, and I'm just raining on the parade of those who are content with how things are. I'm not saying it was better than it is now, but rather that it suited my personal needs. Perhaps I can better serve the MUSH by simply vanishing from it.
I have become increasingly passive over the years, and I fear I have crossed too far into passiveness. People seem to not take me seriously or respect me. While much of that is too silly to even bother responding too, I think I need to step things up a bit and become more stern. One who suffers fools must continue to suffer them!
I have also been trying too hard to please everyone and be everyone's friend and not offend anyone. This must end. I've been comprimising myself to do so. You just can't ever please everyone. I need to stop wondering if I'll hurt people's feelings or make people angry and start saying what I feel. I've trapped myself in a cycle of trying to impress people who look down on me or will never be my friend no matter what I say or do. This must stop. Not speaking my mind for fear of offending people is dishonest and dishonesty is more hurtful than truth, every time.
Which brings me to this blog. I have been trying to use it to create discussions and debates, and I've used many ploys to lure people into responding to me, but I am overwhelmingly met with silence. As I told Flem on 2k5, 'I wanted my LJ to be like a message board where I can talk about things of interest to me to my friends, but it's more like I'm a crazy guy on a street corner jabbering to himself.' So, I'm going to avoid bringing up any of you or addressing any of you or talking about MUSHes at all from now on. I'm not sure what to write, at this point, if anything. What can I write on here that isn't better off being written on paper for myself alone? I guess I'll speak of my beliefs and philosophies. Those sorts of things are best shared, I think! I'll cut back on nerdish stuff and creative endeavors -- I don't think anyone on here cares about any of that stuff -- except occassional video game news and stuff of that sort. Essays on Ultima and my writings are best kept to myself, I think, for now. Unfortunately that means cutting back on a bunch of my positive type entries, which I really tried hard to keep up for the sake of not being TOO depressing.
I like to say I can get along with everyone, and I believe it's nearly true. I can speak peaceably with everyone and overlook their quirks, and say only inspid things in the presence of small-minded people. However, there is a world of difference between someone you can get along with and a friend. A friend is someone you can trust and who can trust you. Someone who is willing to help you when you are in need and accept your aid when it is offered. So I ask of each of you, are you my friend?