You say believe, but it's not that easy for me.
Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.
-- Dogma, 1999
Last night, I went to church with my grandma. She wanted me to see their Easter performance called True Love and I said I would go with her; in part because I haven't seen my grandparents in a while and partly out of curiosity about this church she always talks about. Also -- Easter weekend? I wanted to see their version of Jesus' life.
I knew before I went that it was going to be the sort of church that makes me squirm a bit inside, if only because I know my grandma. After my year among the varying religious spectrum of folk at SFC, words like "worship", "faith", "Jesus", "God", "belief" etc. etc. don't make me flinch anymore. To a point. I had a feeling this might be past that point, but I still wanted to go because I just find it all very interesting. This specific church, The Church of the Redeemer in Gaithersburg MD, caters to a large group of people. It's not anything like Joel Osteen's megachurch in Texas, but the fact that the main auditorium that houses 1,700 people and the overflow room downstairs (where you can watch the proceedings via live video feed) were both absolutely filled last night should tell you something. Also consider the fact that this was one of seven or eight showings of this performance.
The play itself was spectacular -- in the sense that it was a spectacle, not amazing. This church appears to be completely up to date with its technology, so the various stage locations (main stage, balcony left, balcony right, in the aisles, etc.) were all caught on film for not only the folks downstairs, but to show up on the three large "jumbo-trons" above the main stage. Like a concert. There were easily over a hundred people in the play, which started with Adam & Eve and worked its way to the Resurrection of Jesus. The costumes were professional, well-made. The acting itself was mediocre, but genuine in the case of everyone.. save one.
The man who played Jesus was amazing. I thought I would feel weird typing that, but I really don't. It was just a very amazing performance. It all happened pretty fast -- one moment he was saving everyone, the next he was taken by the Roman guards, and then before you knew it he was nailed and bloody on the cross. There was a video interlude after he was arrested, a previously-filmed enactment of his beating by the guards, and just before the house lights turned on you could hear shouting from the back on the auditorium. Thus began the parade of Jesus through the streets/aisles, bloody and bruised and carrying his own cross. The look on his face was devastating. The scene was devastating. I found myself thinking, "But there are children here..."
For me, my problems with this church and my problems with this scene are so closely intertwined: the lack of humanity. After the show was over, the Pastor came up on stage and started telling us about how Jesus died for our sins. About how we are all sinners, and only by taking Jesus into our hearts can we thank him for that sacrifice. He had everyone bow their heads for a private moment, where those who wanted to finally accept Jesus into their life could raise their hands. Pastor Dale "acknowledged each person" (in quotes because 1,700 people in the auditorium, duh) and then encouraged those people to fill out the form on the back of the program with their name, number and to check the box that says "Yes, I prayed with Pastor Dale to accept Jesus as my savior."
I honestly ask you: by turning one man into a symbol for an entire religion, aren't we missing the point?
It was hard for me to take that play out of context. And by context, I mean the human aspect of it. No, I don't think Jesus was the son of God. No, I don't think he died for my sins. But I do think he was a real man. I do think he died for what he believed in. I do think he was a man of integrity and he was probably on to something with his ideas of tolerance and forgiveness. I included the quote from Dogma in the beginning of this post because of all the points made in that movie (it's a satire on Catholicism, if you haven't seen it), that is the one that hits me the hardest. Because it's so true. And knowing an entire congregation was watching that play, watching a reenactment of a dying man, and he is just a symbol to them, of a grander, inflexible belief .. I find it vaguely frightening. It scares me.
That church as a whole scares me. I have this need for community, and I'm searching.. searching for something that I'm not quite sure about yet, but the whole 21st Century spin on religion is just not it for me. A huge auditorium? Jumbo tvs? Mass audience appeal, making Christ "hip", check 'yes' I've accepted Jesus into my life? It's like hand-feeding people their entire belief system. I am not knocking religion as a whole, but come on. Am I the only one that's weirded out by this?
Where is the process? That's my real question, I think. From the day in high school that I decided I was agnostic, because I didn't feel very strongly that I didn't believe in God, but only knew I didn't believe in God either, I have been on a path. It was dormant for a while, but California really shook things up for me. There is just too much inside me bursting at the seams right now -- call it spirituality, call it faith, need, desire, call it whatever you want (cause I sure as heck don't know) -- to even pretend that there isn't some hole inside of me that I need filled. I just can't find any satisfaction in the idea of a 9-to-5 life, have the job to feed the kids, have the husband to fill your needs, etc. life. That is not an ideal future for me.. not the shell of that. I do want kids. I do want love. I do want a solid life. But is that where it ends? Is that what I'm supposed to be satisfied with?
I'm terrified that one day I will wake up to look outside, and not able to see the green on the trees or the blue in the sky, or hear the birds or appreciate life. I'm terrified everything will have a shell of a meaning. I'm terrified of becoming jaded or lost or glass-half-empty, like some adults in my life appear to be. I don't want that, I don't think it will happen, but if it does, I want some sort of back-up to see me through it. I'm desperate for community, for something that I feel I had and then lost.. I know it's something I need to work for and work hard. What do I want? An unshakable belief. In something. Anything. It could be in my community, in a political movement. In my job. In my family, in my future husband or future kids. In myself. God? I don't know, I just don't know. All I do know is that I don't have it, I want it, and it's in my future if I look for it hard enough.
And maybe that's the crux of my problem with that type of church. How can anyone feel as passionately as I feel inside and accept their solution in a symbol of a man? How can anyone's grand internal quest for spirituality end with checking a box, 'Yes, I've accepted Jesus as my savior?" How can it be that easy?
.. you say wait, you say right now,
don't you see you're already one foot in the ground..
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.
-- Dogma, 1999
Last night, I went to church with my grandma. She wanted me to see their Easter performance called True Love and I said I would go with her; in part because I haven't seen my grandparents in a while and partly out of curiosity about this church she always talks about. Also -- Easter weekend? I wanted to see their version of Jesus' life.
I knew before I went that it was going to be the sort of church that makes me squirm a bit inside, if only because I know my grandma. After my year among the varying religious spectrum of folk at SFC, words like "worship", "faith", "Jesus", "God", "belief" etc. etc. don't make me flinch anymore. To a point. I had a feeling this might be past that point, but I still wanted to go because I just find it all very interesting. This specific church, The Church of the Redeemer in Gaithersburg MD, caters to a large group of people. It's not anything like Joel Osteen's megachurch in Texas, but the fact that the main auditorium that houses 1,700 people and the overflow room downstairs (where you can watch the proceedings via live video feed) were both absolutely filled last night should tell you something. Also consider the fact that this was one of seven or eight showings of this performance.
The play itself was spectacular -- in the sense that it was a spectacle, not amazing. This church appears to be completely up to date with its technology, so the various stage locations (main stage, balcony left, balcony right, in the aisles, etc.) were all caught on film for not only the folks downstairs, but to show up on the three large "jumbo-trons" above the main stage. Like a concert. There were easily over a hundred people in the play, which started with Adam & Eve and worked its way to the Resurrection of Jesus. The costumes were professional, well-made. The acting itself was mediocre, but genuine in the case of everyone.. save one.
The man who played Jesus was amazing. I thought I would feel weird typing that, but I really don't. It was just a very amazing performance. It all happened pretty fast -- one moment he was saving everyone, the next he was taken by the Roman guards, and then before you knew it he was nailed and bloody on the cross. There was a video interlude after he was arrested, a previously-filmed enactment of his beating by the guards, and just before the house lights turned on you could hear shouting from the back on the auditorium. Thus began the parade of Jesus through the streets/aisles, bloody and bruised and carrying his own cross. The look on his face was devastating. The scene was devastating. I found myself thinking, "But there are children here..."
For me, my problems with this church and my problems with this scene are so closely intertwined: the lack of humanity. After the show was over, the Pastor came up on stage and started telling us about how Jesus died for our sins. About how we are all sinners, and only by taking Jesus into our hearts can we thank him for that sacrifice. He had everyone bow their heads for a private moment, where those who wanted to finally accept Jesus into their life could raise their hands. Pastor Dale "acknowledged each person" (in quotes because 1,700 people in the auditorium, duh) and then encouraged those people to fill out the form on the back of the program with their name, number and to check the box that says "Yes, I prayed with Pastor Dale to accept Jesus as my savior."
I honestly ask you: by turning one man into a symbol for an entire religion, aren't we missing the point?
It was hard for me to take that play out of context. And by context, I mean the human aspect of it. No, I don't think Jesus was the son of God. No, I don't think he died for my sins. But I do think he was a real man. I do think he died for what he believed in. I do think he was a man of integrity and he was probably on to something with his ideas of tolerance and forgiveness. I included the quote from Dogma in the beginning of this post because of all the points made in that movie (it's a satire on Catholicism, if you haven't seen it), that is the one that hits me the hardest. Because it's so true. And knowing an entire congregation was watching that play, watching a reenactment of a dying man, and he is just a symbol to them, of a grander, inflexible belief .. I find it vaguely frightening. It scares me.
That church as a whole scares me. I have this need for community, and I'm searching.. searching for something that I'm not quite sure about yet, but the whole 21st Century spin on religion is just not it for me. A huge auditorium? Jumbo tvs? Mass audience appeal, making Christ "hip", check 'yes' I've accepted Jesus into my life? It's like hand-feeding people their entire belief system. I am not knocking religion as a whole, but come on. Am I the only one that's weirded out by this?
Where is the process? That's my real question, I think. From the day in high school that I decided I was agnostic, because I didn't feel very strongly that I didn't believe in God, but only knew I didn't believe in God either, I have been on a path. It was dormant for a while, but California really shook things up for me. There is just too much inside me bursting at the seams right now -- call it spirituality, call it faith, need, desire, call it whatever you want (cause I sure as heck don't know) -- to even pretend that there isn't some hole inside of me that I need filled. I just can't find any satisfaction in the idea of a 9-to-5 life, have the job to feed the kids, have the husband to fill your needs, etc. life. That is not an ideal future for me.. not the shell of that. I do want kids. I do want love. I do want a solid life. But is that where it ends? Is that what I'm supposed to be satisfied with?
I'm terrified that one day I will wake up to look outside, and not able to see the green on the trees or the blue in the sky, or hear the birds or appreciate life. I'm terrified everything will have a shell of a meaning. I'm terrified of becoming jaded or lost or glass-half-empty, like some adults in my life appear to be. I don't want that, I don't think it will happen, but if it does, I want some sort of back-up to see me through it. I'm desperate for community, for something that I feel I had and then lost.. I know it's something I need to work for and work hard. What do I want? An unshakable belief. In something. Anything. It could be in my community, in a political movement. In my job. In my family, in my future husband or future kids. In myself. God? I don't know, I just don't know. All I do know is that I don't have it, I want it, and it's in my future if I look for it hard enough.
And maybe that's the crux of my problem with that type of church. How can anyone feel as passionately as I feel inside and accept their solution in a symbol of a man? How can anyone's grand internal quest for spirituality end with checking a box, 'Yes, I've accepted Jesus as my savior?" How can it be that easy?
.. you say wait, you say right now,
don't you see you're already one foot in the ground..