Now We're Back at the Homestead...
It's snowing outside. I'm so inspired right now for so many reason. I'm about to burst.
It's been a good two weeks, I think, despite the cold, snowy weather and not having people call me back. I'm currently in Ann Arbor, MI (where I've been since Saturday night) staying with Colleen, one of the students from the fall semester. It's been absolutely wonderful to see her again, and I've actually grown quite fond of her cat to the point where I want to steal him. Colleen was kind enough to give up her room to me for the week and Thomas (the cat) is under the impression that it is his bed and not hers, so he's been a constant companion the past few days.
Not to be trite, his trip has really shown me how much I've grown and accomplished since I started out on my own in August. It started out two Sundays ago in Chicago, when I went to the Evanston Meeting with my hosts Joan and Michael Pine. I spoke up just after the meeting was over, in front of about fifty people, and didn't even bat an eye. I then made the rounds talking to members of the Meeting and it was practically effortless. The meeting itself was particularly poignant for me this time too, I had a lot of insights. I had spoken with Karrie the night before, so I thought about our conversation a lot. She said I seemed so zen these days, "so aware of the balance of life" and helpful in giving her perspective. It's a wonderful thing to hear from her, as my college roommate and someone who knew me up close and personal throughout my bad (and decidedly un-zen) times. The windows of the meeting house also dredged up a memory for me, as odd as that sounds. They looked remarkably similar to a set of windows I sketched in my new (at the time) journal, from the house I stayed in with my friends during Senior Week directly following my graduation from high school. I wrote above the sketch: "And so it begins anew.." It seemed especially poignant that I should be reminded of that moment, when I was so looking forward to college, and to find myself in the position of looking forward to it once again with entirely different awareness and intent. Just saying.
After that, I had a nice tabling session the next day at Northside Prep in Evanston as well, and spoke to a student I saw again the following Saturday at the Gap Year Fair I tabled. She seemed really excited and into the idea of coming to Woolman, even brought her mom who was entirely supportive, so I'm hopeful she'll join us one day. (Her mom gave me such pangs of nostalgia too, because she looked my mom soooo so much. I tried calling Mommy Dearest three times that day to tell her, and she still has yet to call me back. HINT HINT.) Speaking of, I haven't had any trouble calling people about setting up appointments (and it's a shame that not many have called me back, but that's not my fault.) But the ones who have called back were quite wonderful. Today I talked to about a dozen upperclassmen and a good handful of their teachers, and it was like talking to a group of friends. I'm no longer nervous, I know the program like the back of my hand, and if I stumble a little... a quick laugh, a smile and a correction is all that's needed to get through it. And it's just so wonderful to recognize that, because whether it's apparent to everyone already or just me, this experience has become such a parallel to my experience at college... with an entirely different outcome.
As I mentioned briefly in my previous post, I had a few days of panic following my return to the Sierra Friends Center in the middle of January. After the wonderful experience of the roadtrip was over and my friends had returned home, I found myself at a bit of a loss. I was flat broke and it was before the faculty had returned from their break, so I felt really lonely as well. I was on the other side of the country, away from my family and the safe place that is home, working a job that paid practically nothing when I have a car to pay for, a job that I also felt like I wasn't doing particularly well and worried I was letting Kathy down... and I couldn't figure out how I'd gotten myself in this situation. I panicked a bit, called my dad who calmed me down, but I still felt pretty miserable. Kathy and I talked a little bit about it as well, and she made me feel better because she felt that I was doing perfectly fine, but it still wasn't right in my head. I didn't feel good enough, felt so much pressure to produce results, so I started not liking the job. (Hint: sound familiar folks? Something perhaps about why I left school, hmm?) So I resigned myself for this trip, rallied around the fact that I only had one more to complete before I was done, and set out for Chicago. And goddamnit, was I able to punch through that funk! The last trip I made was in November, and it was a bad trip for various reasons and that was what I had been sitting with for the past two months, but to get out here and just nail it has been an amazing experience. To push on through my doubts and insecurities, to reach the light at the end of the tunnel in a way that I was unable to do at school, to prove to myself that I fucking can (pardon my french) is just... amazing.
And speaking of school, I've been working semi-diligently on my reapplication for College Park this past week and a half. I'm trying to get everything in by Saturday and I've finished almost everything, except for one last response which is giving me a little trouble. The response I've already done was a 1-3 page explanation of the circumstances regarding my withdrawal and that was easy enough to write, once I had organized my thoughts. But this second one is about what I've done to "remedy the circumstances" which led to my withdrawal. How do I write about something that's all internal? How does one even measure that? I've gotten so much clarity and insight from my experience in California, but it wasn't like I fixed something, ya know? I didn't change anything. Does putting myself in a position to gain more perspective on my life and where I want it to go, does that even count as a remedy? And I'm getting to the point where I think that is exactly where I need to start, posing those questions in my response and then taking it from there. I suppose we'll see.
I've been thinking a lot about what it's going to be like to return home. Just as the traveling aspect of this job seemed like a dream come true to me last summer, so does the idea of settling down into my home again. There's nothing like leaving everything behind constantly (one way or another) for six months to put the ideas of home and structure into perspective. I'm trying not to make it into some fairytale dream, where everything is going to be lovely and perfect, and all my problems with school from before will have *poof*, vanished. I know it's going to be hard work and I'm going to have to purposefully apply my new sense of direction and intention into my classes every single day, but I still can't help but look forward to my eventual return. There's something deep inside of me that is just so anxious to prove myself and just shove it down everyone's throat that hell yes, Kathy knew was she was doing all along. I need that, because my heart breaks a little every single time someone questions me, or gives me that placating look that says "Oh, right, she's crazy. I never knew." It's understandable really to get that reaction, because a.) of the mentality that "no one who's going to be successful leaves college", it's practically unheard of these days, b.) I never had very many heart-to-hearts about what was going on with people outside my family and close circle of friends (who mostly didn't require explanations anyway, because they already knew), and c.) I think people didn't expect me of all people to leave the straight-and-narrow pathway. But no matter; as home draws closer and closer, I am that much more firm in my belief that I can and will do things right this time.
I went online yesterday morning with the sole intention of finally figuring out how to get an absentee ballot for the primaries, and it was a good move because last night at 11:59pm was the deadline to request one for Maryland. I had to make a couple phone calls to the Board of Elections for both Anne Arundel and Prince George's counties because my permanent address is still listed as where I lived junior year in the UMD Commons. They told me to just leave that address for now, because it wouldn't affect them sending me the absentee ballot in California, and to get around to changing my permanent address at another time. So I downloaded the application, made a quick trip out to Kinko's to print and fax it off to PG county, and was given an overenthusiastic salute as I left for "being a good citizen" by the sarcastic teenage employee who rang me up. Two dollars and forty-nine cents makes me a good citizen? I'll take it.
I've been watching this current string of primaries with more interest, enthusiasm and knowledge than I ever have in the past. It's an interesting time to be growing up, I think. Post 9/11, during the Iraqi War, and in such a tense political climate. There is such a huge role in the media for how candidates are portrayed, such an interest in highlighting cat-fights and closeted skeletons rather than the issues and differences therein, that I can't help but wonder if it's always been this way and all my history textbooks kindly glossed over it. Human nature is what it is, and while it's nice to think that "things used to be better"... were they ever? There is such animosity for the present administration, but I can't help but wonder at times what the problems would have been with someone else, with Kerry.. what would he have screwed up to have all the fingers pointing at him? Does having a bipartisan country really help anyone? Is it really necessary to divide everything up in black and white terms? How can anything get done when we're fighting each other all the time? But in that case, would I be prepared to compromise on issues that I feel so strongly about, to just give in a little, to find some common ground? To feel a little peace and unity? I think I would. Is that really so hard a conclusion to come to? Can't all those people in Washington, that were elected to represent the country, just goddamn figure out that maybe if they just gave a little, they'd get even more back? But who is there to start that? What person would be brave enough to take that first step, to push through the sure-to-happen political attack from opponents and media alike for being a fence-sitter or a turncoat to their previous beliefs, even if it's done in an effort to just stop that sort of politics?
Hope. Hope is what I have to lean on, to make me believe that someday there will be such a person who can turn this country around, to get us back to where we were when we started. Hell, if we're so focused on religion in this country these days, maybe there will be a person that can get us back to what Jesus originally intended with his hopes and ideas for what religion is supposed to be. I feel that hope, now. My interest has been captured, the writer in me is cheering from his words, my heart is all a flutter from finally having a political candidate who actually makes me want him and not just any democrat to represent the United States. Barack Obama. He speaks with such eloquence and passion, gives such strong answers in any debate I've ever seen him in, seems to have his feet firmly on the ground... yes, he most certainly speaks to me. People say that he's idealistic, that his supporters have their heads up in the clouds, that he's not based in reality or has no experience. Is it so wrong to want a fresh start? Is it so bad to want something, that may or may not be Utopian? What kind of world do we live in, that things like hope and ideals are shot down because "they aren't based in reality"? Why do we have to be satisfied with the status quo? Why can't I hope for something more? Is it so bad to want to support someone who makes me feel such strong hope, for believing in someone who wants and holds such great dreams for our country? For believing in someone whose message is "Yes We Can"?
Think about it.
"We will remember that there is something happening in America, that we are not as divided as our politics suggests, that we are one people. We are one nation. And together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast, from sea to shining sea --
Yes. We. Can."
Poll Elections.
and somebody told me that this is the place..
where everything's better, everything's safe..
It's been a good two weeks, I think, despite the cold, snowy weather and not having people call me back. I'm currently in Ann Arbor, MI (where I've been since Saturday night) staying with Colleen, one of the students from the fall semester. It's been absolutely wonderful to see her again, and I've actually grown quite fond of her cat to the point where I want to steal him. Colleen was kind enough to give up her room to me for the week and Thomas (the cat) is under the impression that it is his bed and not hers, so he's been a constant companion the past few days.
Not to be trite, his trip has really shown me how much I've grown and accomplished since I started out on my own in August. It started out two Sundays ago in Chicago, when I went to the Evanston Meeting with my hosts Joan and Michael Pine. I spoke up just after the meeting was over, in front of about fifty people, and didn't even bat an eye. I then made the rounds talking to members of the Meeting and it was practically effortless. The meeting itself was particularly poignant for me this time too, I had a lot of insights. I had spoken with Karrie the night before, so I thought about our conversation a lot. She said I seemed so zen these days, "so aware of the balance of life" and helpful in giving her perspective. It's a wonderful thing to hear from her, as my college roommate and someone who knew me up close and personal throughout my bad (and decidedly un-zen) times. The windows of the meeting house also dredged up a memory for me, as odd as that sounds. They looked remarkably similar to a set of windows I sketched in my new (at the time) journal, from the house I stayed in with my friends during Senior Week directly following my graduation from high school. I wrote above the sketch: "And so it begins anew.." It seemed especially poignant that I should be reminded of that moment, when I was so looking forward to college, and to find myself in the position of looking forward to it once again with entirely different awareness and intent. Just saying.
After that, I had a nice tabling session the next day at Northside Prep in Evanston as well, and spoke to a student I saw again the following Saturday at the Gap Year Fair I tabled. She seemed really excited and into the idea of coming to Woolman, even brought her mom who was entirely supportive, so I'm hopeful she'll join us one day. (Her mom gave me such pangs of nostalgia too, because she looked my mom soooo so much. I tried calling Mommy Dearest three times that day to tell her, and she still has yet to call me back. HINT HINT.) Speaking of, I haven't had any trouble calling people about setting up appointments (and it's a shame that not many have called me back, but that's not my fault.) But the ones who have called back were quite wonderful. Today I talked to about a dozen upperclassmen and a good handful of their teachers, and it was like talking to a group of friends. I'm no longer nervous, I know the program like the back of my hand, and if I stumble a little... a quick laugh, a smile and a correction is all that's needed to get through it. And it's just so wonderful to recognize that, because whether it's apparent to everyone already or just me, this experience has become such a parallel to my experience at college... with an entirely different outcome.
As I mentioned briefly in my previous post, I had a few days of panic following my return to the Sierra Friends Center in the middle of January. After the wonderful experience of the roadtrip was over and my friends had returned home, I found myself at a bit of a loss. I was flat broke and it was before the faculty had returned from their break, so I felt really lonely as well. I was on the other side of the country, away from my family and the safe place that is home, working a job that paid practically nothing when I have a car to pay for, a job that I also felt like I wasn't doing particularly well and worried I was letting Kathy down... and I couldn't figure out how I'd gotten myself in this situation. I panicked a bit, called my dad who calmed me down, but I still felt pretty miserable. Kathy and I talked a little bit about it as well, and she made me feel better because she felt that I was doing perfectly fine, but it still wasn't right in my head. I didn't feel good enough, felt so much pressure to produce results, so I started not liking the job. (Hint: sound familiar folks? Something perhaps about why I left school, hmm?) So I resigned myself for this trip, rallied around the fact that I only had one more to complete before I was done, and set out for Chicago. And goddamnit, was I able to punch through that funk! The last trip I made was in November, and it was a bad trip for various reasons and that was what I had been sitting with for the past two months, but to get out here and just nail it has been an amazing experience. To push on through my doubts and insecurities, to reach the light at the end of the tunnel in a way that I was unable to do at school, to prove to myself that I fucking can (pardon my french) is just... amazing.
And speaking of school, I've been working semi-diligently on my reapplication for College Park this past week and a half. I'm trying to get everything in by Saturday and I've finished almost everything, except for one last response which is giving me a little trouble. The response I've already done was a 1-3 page explanation of the circumstances regarding my withdrawal and that was easy enough to write, once I had organized my thoughts. But this second one is about what I've done to "remedy the circumstances" which led to my withdrawal. How do I write about something that's all internal? How does one even measure that? I've gotten so much clarity and insight from my experience in California, but it wasn't like I fixed something, ya know? I didn't change anything. Does putting myself in a position to gain more perspective on my life and where I want it to go, does that even count as a remedy? And I'm getting to the point where I think that is exactly where I need to start, posing those questions in my response and then taking it from there. I suppose we'll see.
I've been thinking a lot about what it's going to be like to return home. Just as the traveling aspect of this job seemed like a dream come true to me last summer, so does the idea of settling down into my home again. There's nothing like leaving everything behind constantly (one way or another) for six months to put the ideas of home and structure into perspective. I'm trying not to make it into some fairytale dream, where everything is going to be lovely and perfect, and all my problems with school from before will have *poof*, vanished. I know it's going to be hard work and I'm going to have to purposefully apply my new sense of direction and intention into my classes every single day, but I still can't help but look forward to my eventual return. There's something deep inside of me that is just so anxious to prove myself and just shove it down everyone's throat that hell yes, Kathy knew was she was doing all along. I need that, because my heart breaks a little every single time someone questions me, or gives me that placating look that says "Oh, right, she's crazy. I never knew." It's understandable really to get that reaction, because a.) of the mentality that "no one who's going to be successful leaves college", it's practically unheard of these days, b.) I never had very many heart-to-hearts about what was going on with people outside my family and close circle of friends (who mostly didn't require explanations anyway, because they already knew), and c.) I think people didn't expect me of all people to leave the straight-and-narrow pathway. But no matter; as home draws closer and closer, I am that much more firm in my belief that I can and will do things right this time.
I went online yesterday morning with the sole intention of finally figuring out how to get an absentee ballot for the primaries, and it was a good move because last night at 11:59pm was the deadline to request one for Maryland. I had to make a couple phone calls to the Board of Elections for both Anne Arundel and Prince George's counties because my permanent address is still listed as where I lived junior year in the UMD Commons. They told me to just leave that address for now, because it wouldn't affect them sending me the absentee ballot in California, and to get around to changing my permanent address at another time. So I downloaded the application, made a quick trip out to Kinko's to print and fax it off to PG county, and was given an overenthusiastic salute as I left for "being a good citizen" by the sarcastic teenage employee who rang me up. Two dollars and forty-nine cents makes me a good citizen? I'll take it.
I've been watching this current string of primaries with more interest, enthusiasm and knowledge than I ever have in the past. It's an interesting time to be growing up, I think. Post 9/11, during the Iraqi War, and in such a tense political climate. There is such a huge role in the media for how candidates are portrayed, such an interest in highlighting cat-fights and closeted skeletons rather than the issues and differences therein, that I can't help but wonder if it's always been this way and all my history textbooks kindly glossed over it. Human nature is what it is, and while it's nice to think that "things used to be better"... were they ever? There is such animosity for the present administration, but I can't help but wonder at times what the problems would have been with someone else, with Kerry.. what would he have screwed up to have all the fingers pointing at him? Does having a bipartisan country really help anyone? Is it really necessary to divide everything up in black and white terms? How can anything get done when we're fighting each other all the time? But in that case, would I be prepared to compromise on issues that I feel so strongly about, to just give in a little, to find some common ground? To feel a little peace and unity? I think I would. Is that really so hard a conclusion to come to? Can't all those people in Washington, that were elected to represent the country, just goddamn figure out that maybe if they just gave a little, they'd get even more back? But who is there to start that? What person would be brave enough to take that first step, to push through the sure-to-happen political attack from opponents and media alike for being a fence-sitter or a turncoat to their previous beliefs, even if it's done in an effort to just stop that sort of politics?
Hope. Hope is what I have to lean on, to make me believe that someday there will be such a person who can turn this country around, to get us back to where we were when we started. Hell, if we're so focused on religion in this country these days, maybe there will be a person that can get us back to what Jesus originally intended with his hopes and ideas for what religion is supposed to be. I feel that hope, now. My interest has been captured, the writer in me is cheering from his words, my heart is all a flutter from finally having a political candidate who actually makes me want him and not just any democrat to represent the United States. Barack Obama. He speaks with such eloquence and passion, gives such strong answers in any debate I've ever seen him in, seems to have his feet firmly on the ground... yes, he most certainly speaks to me. People say that he's idealistic, that his supporters have their heads up in the clouds, that he's not based in reality or has no experience. Is it so wrong to want a fresh start? Is it so bad to want something, that may or may not be Utopian? What kind of world do we live in, that things like hope and ideals are shot down because "they aren't based in reality"? Why do we have to be satisfied with the status quo? Why can't I hope for something more? Is it so bad to want to support someone who makes me feel such strong hope, for believing in someone who wants and holds such great dreams for our country? For believing in someone whose message is "Yes We Can"?
Think about it.
"We will remember that there is something happening in America, that we are not as divided as our politics suggests, that we are one people. We are one nation. And together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast, from sea to shining sea --
Yes. We. Can."
Click to viewPoll Elections.
and somebody told me that this is the place..
where everything's better, everything's safe..