I think that if my daughter hadn’t died, maybe this pandemic would have had a bigger impact. But once your child dies, there isn’t really anything else that can top that. Everything else is slightly sepia.

Every once in a while I look at my life, where I am now and I grieve.

There is a lot to be happy about, like my amazing partner/best friend - he ( Read more... )

This blog I mean. I just don’t feel like I have a lot to say. Some days are alright, some are horrible. Some days I go through the whole day without that sinking feeling, then other days (like yesterday) it suddenly hits me so hard I want to vomit.

I miss her.

It’s cold and icy.

I’m not living healthily.

Oh, I found something that I’m kind of ( Read more... )

How is it that a whole year just went by? I admit that I have, for the most part - been in a state of disassociation I think. Sometimes worse than others.  But suddenly the day was here.

I had spent about 3 weeks FULLY completely dreading it. Then two weeks wondering what I should plan. Should I ask if her friends want to get together? How do I pay ( Read more... )

This is about the time that all the trees with their dried out leaves begin to whisper about the Fall.

It is a time of year I normally love.

This year it is tainted and darker.

There is more than just random stories in the chatter of the leaves.

More than just a collection of memories from the stretched days of spring and summer.

This year there ( Read more... )

When tragedy strikes, we are often faced with failure. Not failure of our own self - because it is expected that we break down during tragedy - but failure of belief systems to provide comfort or failure of the support from people we were sure we could have counted on.

Having your child die feels like the worst violation. It tears away everything ( Read more... )

Always has been my favourite time of year.

On dry days, the few leaves left on almost bare branches make an empty almost rattling noise as the rustle against grey skies.

Last weekend was FanExpo. It was nice but tiring. My highlights were getting John Barrowman’s autograph on a memorial picture of my daughter, and having a chance to chat with the ( Read more... )

So - just touching base here to keep things straight. Days just sort of meld into one another.

Funeral was on the 22nd. Monday my son returned to Japan - ouch. That was a real huge load of sad feels watching him get into my dad’s car for the ride to the airport.  Then it was Tuesday. I had a 12-case of beer and drank them throughout the day. It ( Read more... )