letter to jeff about a talk i had with his bitch of a girlfriend
i get the hint.
i know you were supposed to tell me, that's what she said, and we joked about
how we both knew you wouldn't ay anything to me. haha.
it started off with what i thought was a sorta rude question "you never
talk to anyone when you come here so...?"
simple enough. i told her i dont talk much when i drink, and every other week i
do do alot of talking. truth is, i go because i'm depressed and want to get
drunk around alot of people so i dont get more depressed and can forget the
reason i drink to begin with is because i'm depressed from being so alone.
she thinks i come because of you. how steroetypical of a girlfriend. its what
we call in psychology a "self-fulfilling prophecy." she always
reembers the times i'm standing near you or talking to you because that is what
she expecs, that i'm there just to try and steal you away from her. not to be
mean, but my felings for you died a long time ago when you told me you loved
her, out of respect i forced myself to stay straight nd narrow with you, unless
things were to fall apart. and i did.
i'm sure you've seen it though, when ed's with me we talk all night, sometimes i
talk to rusty or mike or any of several other people who know you or rusty and
happen to see me talking with them. but honestly, some nights i just dont feel
like talking. tonight was one of them. i went there to drink and watch the
game. once i went and stod near you, cap had a message to you that i didnt have
a chance to relay, although i'm sure you have a close guess to what it was, but
i wasnt following you around. i got outside and stopped by mike and rusty, you
were still in the corner, i can remember cuz i was thinking to myself "why
is jeff standing in the corner alone?" now i know.
i told her i understood her feelings and whatnot. truth be told i dont, i was
just trying to get her to shut up so i could finish my goddamned beer and leave
so i didnt hafta listen to he lecture me about how she usually isnt a jealous
bitch and doesnt want to start a fight with me but will if she sees me anywhere
within a mile radius of you. even with the scummiest of boyfriends that i
"loved" i trusted them to do the right thing. thats what
relationships are supposed to be, even when one person knows the other has had
feelings before. and if there's one thing i've learned from chris, its that if
they dont trust the other person and dont want you hanging out with them (like
chris felt about you and i) then they dont actually trust you and theyre just
projecting their own feelings of insecurity and mistrust onto the other person
to make them out to be the bad guy and try to take away some of the temptation.
she told me that she knew she couldnt make me "stop going to the bar"
but that she would really appreciate it if i stayed away from you altogether
while i'm there, which would be somewhat difficult considering the people i do
know there are the same ones that you know. ergo, i'm just not going to go
anymore. i'll find another bar, on another night when we'll never run into each
other. i wont stop by and visit you at work so that she wont "accidentally
catch" me visiting and flirting with you (? i'm sure thats what she thinks)
whoever said that relationships come and go, but friendships last forever, so
choose your friendships over flings, never loved someone. i shouldve realized a
long time ago, when i had to choose between dating chris and going out and
having fun with my friends, that having fun and kepng close the ones i knew
would be there in the end, that i was the one chris didnt trust, and it was my
friends who mattered more.
you hafta make that decision for yourself. and i'm not gonna force you to.
this is one of those times when i want to be so selfish and say "don't
leave me, my whole world's falling apart and i need my friends now more than
ever. please tell me that things can be different" but i wont. i so
badly want you to be happy after what i did to you. you deserve it more than
anyone i know, even myself. i dont feel like theres any hope left for me. i
cant make it through a day without crying for an hour because i realize ive
abandoned all hope of ever being somewhat "normal" and okay. we've
grown apart. i suppose now's a good a time as any to just say goodbye and let
go. there's so much sadness in my life right now, that even as i type this it
breaks my heart, and yet at the same time i dont care because i knew it would
come to this with her. i was surprised she hadnt complained about me sooner.
im so sorry.
everything that has happened to me in the last 6 months is my fault. every
little thing that has gone wrong and falling apart has been because of something
i've done in the past to bring it on yself. everyone tryies to tell me that it
isnt true, that other people make their own decisions. but how can i believe
that when i was so manipulative for so long? chris was right. i caused him
pain, i caused him to fuck up his life, i caused him to stop loving me and
wanting me around, i caused jody to hate me being around you, i caused you to
hurt last summer and be confused for at least some of your relationships, i
caused myself to be so depressed now and i'v getting what i deserved and i just
need to accept it.
if anything, the talk i had with her tonight at least opened my eyes to how much
ive ben trying to fool myself and i should be gracious for that, right? but
fuck everything. i just dont care anymore. why should i? no matter what i do
i make someone mad or disappointed. i just cant. i just...
i'm just so tired of trying to make things right and be happy and be normal and
sober. i dont wanna anymore. its so hard. and i dont wanna bring anyone down
with me, hence the reason i just hafta give you up. if you only knew what i go
through every day, if she only knew. no one knows though. no one understands.
i just wanna kill myself, not because of you though, and i never would, cappy
already threatened me with a nasty eulogy. life. i hate life. ive always
hated life and my goddamned memory. now that i'm sober i remember why i was so
much better off not being that way.
but i'm rambling and i apologize.
you can tell jody i got the point. i wont be at fat cats anymore. i wont be at
collectibles and cards anymore. youre all hers.
ill miss you punk
i know you were supposed to tell me, that's what she said, and we joked about
how we both knew you wouldn't ay anything to me. haha.
it started off with what i thought was a sorta rude question "you never
talk to anyone when you come here so...?"
simple enough. i told her i dont talk much when i drink, and every other week i
do do alot of talking. truth is, i go because i'm depressed and want to get
drunk around alot of people so i dont get more depressed and can forget the
reason i drink to begin with is because i'm depressed from being so alone.
she thinks i come because of you. how steroetypical of a girlfriend. its what
we call in psychology a "self-fulfilling prophecy." she always
reembers the times i'm standing near you or talking to you because that is what
she expecs, that i'm there just to try and steal you away from her. not to be
mean, but my felings for you died a long time ago when you told me you loved
her, out of respect i forced myself to stay straight nd narrow with you, unless
things were to fall apart. and i did.
i'm sure you've seen it though, when ed's with me we talk all night, sometimes i
talk to rusty or mike or any of several other people who know you or rusty and
happen to see me talking with them. but honestly, some nights i just dont feel
like talking. tonight was one of them. i went there to drink and watch the
game. once i went and stod near you, cap had a message to you that i didnt have
a chance to relay, although i'm sure you have a close guess to what it was, but
i wasnt following you around. i got outside and stopped by mike and rusty, you
were still in the corner, i can remember cuz i was thinking to myself "why
is jeff standing in the corner alone?" now i know.
i told her i understood her feelings and whatnot. truth be told i dont, i was
just trying to get her to shut up so i could finish my goddamned beer and leave
so i didnt hafta listen to he lecture me about how she usually isnt a jealous
bitch and doesnt want to start a fight with me but will if she sees me anywhere
within a mile radius of you. even with the scummiest of boyfriends that i
"loved" i trusted them to do the right thing. thats what
relationships are supposed to be, even when one person knows the other has had
feelings before. and if there's one thing i've learned from chris, its that if
they dont trust the other person and dont want you hanging out with them (like
chris felt about you and i) then they dont actually trust you and theyre just
projecting their own feelings of insecurity and mistrust onto the other person
to make them out to be the bad guy and try to take away some of the temptation.
she told me that she knew she couldnt make me "stop going to the bar"
but that she would really appreciate it if i stayed away from you altogether
while i'm there, which would be somewhat difficult considering the people i do
know there are the same ones that you know. ergo, i'm just not going to go
anymore. i'll find another bar, on another night when we'll never run into each
other. i wont stop by and visit you at work so that she wont "accidentally
catch" me visiting and flirting with you (? i'm sure thats what she thinks)
whoever said that relationships come and go, but friendships last forever, so
choose your friendships over flings, never loved someone. i shouldve realized a
long time ago, when i had to choose between dating chris and going out and
having fun with my friends, that having fun and kepng close the ones i knew
would be there in the end, that i was the one chris didnt trust, and it was my
friends who mattered more.
you hafta make that decision for yourself. and i'm not gonna force you to.
this is one of those times when i want to be so selfish and say "don't
leave me, my whole world's falling apart and i need my friends now more than
ever. please tell me that things can be different" but i wont. i so
badly want you to be happy after what i did to you. you deserve it more than
anyone i know, even myself. i dont feel like theres any hope left for me. i
cant make it through a day without crying for an hour because i realize ive
abandoned all hope of ever being somewhat "normal" and okay. we've
grown apart. i suppose now's a good a time as any to just say goodbye and let
go. there's so much sadness in my life right now, that even as i type this it
breaks my heart, and yet at the same time i dont care because i knew it would
come to this with her. i was surprised she hadnt complained about me sooner.
im so sorry.
everything that has happened to me in the last 6 months is my fault. every
little thing that has gone wrong and falling apart has been because of something
i've done in the past to bring it on yself. everyone tryies to tell me that it
isnt true, that other people make their own decisions. but how can i believe
that when i was so manipulative for so long? chris was right. i caused him
pain, i caused him to fuck up his life, i caused him to stop loving me and
wanting me around, i caused jody to hate me being around you, i caused you to
hurt last summer and be confused for at least some of your relationships, i
caused myself to be so depressed now and i'v getting what i deserved and i just
need to accept it.
if anything, the talk i had with her tonight at least opened my eyes to how much
ive ben trying to fool myself and i should be gracious for that, right? but
fuck everything. i just dont care anymore. why should i? no matter what i do
i make someone mad or disappointed. i just cant. i just...
i'm just so tired of trying to make things right and be happy and be normal and
sober. i dont wanna anymore. its so hard. and i dont wanna bring anyone down
with me, hence the reason i just hafta give you up. if you only knew what i go
through every day, if she only knew. no one knows though. no one understands.
i just wanna kill myself, not because of you though, and i never would, cappy
already threatened me with a nasty eulogy. life. i hate life. ive always
hated life and my goddamned memory. now that i'm sober i remember why i was so
much better off not being that way.
but i'm rambling and i apologize.
you can tell jody i got the point. i wont be at fat cats anymore. i wont be at
collectibles and cards anymore. youre all hers.
ill miss you punk