Family Obligations

Sep 01, 2014 05:02

I've had a lot on my mind for the last week.

When I visited my house in Albuquerque on the weekend of the 23rd, I was completely crushed and devastated. The house was a disaster area. There was some serious damage to the property. The place smelled like piss. Someone had shoved a blanket full of dog shit in the washing machine and tried to run it. The front yard, which we worked hard to try to keep in presentable shape, was completely out of control with garbage everywhere, and weeds growing uncontrollably. I had the neighbors tell me that they had trash thrown over into their yard... which they, rightly, threw back. That part was humiliating. The whole fucking place was just a complete and utter wreck.
In the aftermath of it all, I've had some time to think about responsibility; both my own, and as an outside observer. I've come to the conclusion that I pretty much brought all of this on myself by allowing these events to unfold with my initial decision to give my sister and her boyfriend a shot to prove themselves. It was a bad idea from the start, and I should have seen it for that. Unfortunately, I thought that she would have been responsible enough that, even if it didn't work out in the long run, she would at least make an attempt to do the right thing. I was wrong on all counts. And I'm literally paying for it now. two months of unpaid utility bills, on top of a mortgage payment for last month and this month, and the half month free that I gave them during their first month, and rent for this month up here in Colorado... well, let's just say it had a humongous impact on me financially, to say nothing about what it's done to me emotionally. I'll never be able to trust her again. The thing is, I don't know if she really knows the extent of the damage that her actions wrought upon everyone. I have no idea how to explain to her the depth of my utter disappointment. It's beyond words. She has apologized through text message, and I don't think she quite understands how completely inadequate that is.
I've made mistakes in my life. I'm aware of them, and I'm not proud of them. Anytime I did make a mistake, there have been times when I've been tempted to assign the blame to someone else, but invariably, there's no use. If I keep doing that, I've reasoned, then I'm going to do nothing but alienate people around me. My first real-world lesson in this was when I was terminated from my first job at CNM in 2007. I was missing deadlines due to my own complete lack of organization, and drive. I had attempted to blame it all on my instructors giving too much work, and the deadlines being too stringent. But neither excuse was true. There were other reporters who were doing just fine with their schedules. The problem was me, and nobody else. After a week, I took that to heart and made some significant changes in my life, and path in college. The fall from that point was hard, but it was a lesson that I absolutely needed: There are consequences to making bad decisions and not taking responsibility for them. I realized that it wasn't just my credibility on the line; it also affected the people around me, like my editor and fellow reporters, all of whom the overall work reflects.
What I think my sister is lacking is the same kind of experience. She's made so many mistakes in her life so far, but thus far she has never been allowed to fall on her face to learn her lesson. There has always been a cushion underneath her. So after all of these failures, I think she's acquired this sense of entitlement that it should always be there. My dad showed me the hurtful text exchanges that she's sent him, trying to guilt him for not supporting her decisions as of late, and assigning all of her failures, incorrectly, to everyone but herself. It's never her fault, she reasons. It's everyone in her life not giving her the specific (often monetary) support she needs. It's this mentality that I don't understand. Every plea for support should have a long-term goal in mind, else such pleas are going to be ignored in the future. It's a classic example of crying-wolf.

I'm definitely not answering the cries for help anymore. I'll lend an ear, but that's going to be the extent of it. And after all this bullshit? I literally can't afford to anymore, even if I wanted to.

But this high tsunami of bullshit is fading. The house is now in good hands, it's cleaned up. And now it's time to sleep.

Over and out.

angst, disappointment, house, annoyed, life, meh, shit that pisses me off, failure, albuquerque, family

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