(no subject)
I am pretty sick but I feel so fucking good right now.
This journal is ridiculous. The two people who regularly read aren't even on livejournal lol. I was thinking of doing a myspace or a facebook but...the former is too addictive for me, a girl of too many computer addictions as it is, and the latter is both too addictive and too...weird. Too like...small worldish. Globalism. It's like some weird micro-globalism. Globalism in a little glass ball.
Globalism in a little jar of nyquil in the cabinet!
Oh whoops that wasn't globalism, that was...really good, coughless sleep.
I've got a cold which sucks cause it's my last week home but I'm pretending it doesn't exist. I kinda sound like mortimer the frog (what is he from?) but that's better than no voice.
I feel so good, as I said before. I have tons of stuff to do but it's leading up to what can be really really really awesome. I'm working towards something really cool. See, before when I was going for law (hey that was like 6 yrs of my life) I felt kinda doomed. Well only when I got to college. Cause I was like wow I'm gonna be in school for 7 years and it's gonna suck and then I'm gonna spend the rest of my life competing and competing and competing and competing and competing.
One thing I've realized is, competition is only good for motivation in small to moderate amounts. If it's in bigger amounts, the goal has to be like...SUPER important to you.
It's like in that book I read, the Fowles one I mentioned- this rich "gentleman" type character doesn't want to go into trade, and it winds up being because if purpose of life is to EARN MONEY to live and do what you wanna do- that sucks cause you'll never get to if you're working all the time and not at something you love.
So then I decided to be a writer and live the free life and just be all creative and go all over the fucking place and live on whatever I get.
Well that career lacks motivation too. People suck and there's so much politics and so many writers are these depressed people who live somehow vicariously thru others. The people they write about. They don't CHANGE anything (unless they expose some big story or something, which I'd never do cause I was gonna be a fluffy puffy critic of everything I cannot do myself). Man, sure maybe cringing every time my human development professor said "and you're all going into careers where you will be key leaders in the community and can make a difference" helped but...it was like...when i finally decided to change paths, man I've just never felt so good about what I'm doing.
So I'm going for secondary english education. I love literature. I always loved English in school...writing's just been something I've never needed help with (trust me there's enough to make up for it haha). And I like being creative. I'm not saying I am so magnificent but I really really really think there's so much I want to give to something like that. What I got from my English teachers in HS and junior high...i never could've appreciated song lyrics the same as I started to back in 7th grade if my teacher hadn't asked us all to bring our favorites in so we could put em up on the screen and analyze them. And that's just an example. I had this awesome 12th grade english teacher who i feel was showing me where to go and I kind of ignored it because my brain went "be a lawyer."
So yeah. I'm super corny but...I'm just soooo happy with what I'm doing. I'm looking forward to grad school so much. I'm eager to take more courses in literature and to read more and to be better at it so I can be GOOD at what I do someday.
And I see all the ups and downs, but all the downs, to me, just seem like downs that are NECESSARY...things that people have to face in life...not some asshole editor telling me i'm not getting paid for the story i worked on for 6 months. Not losing a case I knew I wouldn't win in the first place. Maybe just not getting thru to some kid or not knowing how to explain something. I dunno, I mean, I think high school is the time when interests are sparked and even if you spark one person's interests for like one hour...you're making a difference to THAT person.
I sound like an after school special and I didn't mean to write so much so I'm going to take myself to bed, hopefully without needing to chug the nyquil. I just wanted to talk that out.
Otherwise everything really really really rocks. I look forward to this week cause I'm still home and I get to still relax and stuff. And speaking of extreme happiness, I get to see Brian some more, and I completely love that. I feel like we took really good advantage of every chance we had to spend time together, and we had so much fun over this past month. And after this semester, instead of just a month, we get three, which rocks! So I have a HUGE incentive to get back there and just trudge thru the craziness that is my binghamton life, haha. And hey, in a year and 4 months, I will be graduating! Woohoo magoo!
But I won't go on cause if i do more magoos will come out and i need all the magoos i can keep.
Obviously the sleep is talking!
G'night!
This journal is ridiculous. The two people who regularly read aren't even on livejournal lol. I was thinking of doing a myspace or a facebook but...the former is too addictive for me, a girl of too many computer addictions as it is, and the latter is both too addictive and too...weird. Too like...small worldish. Globalism. It's like some weird micro-globalism. Globalism in a little glass ball.
Globalism in a little jar of nyquil in the cabinet!
Oh whoops that wasn't globalism, that was...really good, coughless sleep.
I've got a cold which sucks cause it's my last week home but I'm pretending it doesn't exist. I kinda sound like mortimer the frog (what is he from?) but that's better than no voice.
I feel so good, as I said before. I have tons of stuff to do but it's leading up to what can be really really really awesome. I'm working towards something really cool. See, before when I was going for law (hey that was like 6 yrs of my life) I felt kinda doomed. Well only when I got to college. Cause I was like wow I'm gonna be in school for 7 years and it's gonna suck and then I'm gonna spend the rest of my life competing and competing and competing and competing and competing.
One thing I've realized is, competition is only good for motivation in small to moderate amounts. If it's in bigger amounts, the goal has to be like...SUPER important to you.
It's like in that book I read, the Fowles one I mentioned- this rich "gentleman" type character doesn't want to go into trade, and it winds up being because if purpose of life is to EARN MONEY to live and do what you wanna do- that sucks cause you'll never get to if you're working all the time and not at something you love.
So then I decided to be a writer and live the free life and just be all creative and go all over the fucking place and live on whatever I get.
Well that career lacks motivation too. People suck and there's so much politics and so many writers are these depressed people who live somehow vicariously thru others. The people they write about. They don't CHANGE anything (unless they expose some big story or something, which I'd never do cause I was gonna be a fluffy puffy critic of everything I cannot do myself). Man, sure maybe cringing every time my human development professor said "and you're all going into careers where you will be key leaders in the community and can make a difference" helped but...it was like...when i finally decided to change paths, man I've just never felt so good about what I'm doing.
So I'm going for secondary english education. I love literature. I always loved English in school...writing's just been something I've never needed help with (trust me there's enough to make up for it haha). And I like being creative. I'm not saying I am so magnificent but I really really really think there's so much I want to give to something like that. What I got from my English teachers in HS and junior high...i never could've appreciated song lyrics the same as I started to back in 7th grade if my teacher hadn't asked us all to bring our favorites in so we could put em up on the screen and analyze them. And that's just an example. I had this awesome 12th grade english teacher who i feel was showing me where to go and I kind of ignored it because my brain went "be a lawyer."
So yeah. I'm super corny but...I'm just soooo happy with what I'm doing. I'm looking forward to grad school so much. I'm eager to take more courses in literature and to read more and to be better at it so I can be GOOD at what I do someday.
And I see all the ups and downs, but all the downs, to me, just seem like downs that are NECESSARY...things that people have to face in life...not some asshole editor telling me i'm not getting paid for the story i worked on for 6 months. Not losing a case I knew I wouldn't win in the first place. Maybe just not getting thru to some kid or not knowing how to explain something. I dunno, I mean, I think high school is the time when interests are sparked and even if you spark one person's interests for like one hour...you're making a difference to THAT person.
I sound like an after school special and I didn't mean to write so much so I'm going to take myself to bed, hopefully without needing to chug the nyquil. I just wanted to talk that out.
Otherwise everything really really really rocks. I look forward to this week cause I'm still home and I get to still relax and stuff. And speaking of extreme happiness, I get to see Brian some more, and I completely love that. I feel like we took really good advantage of every chance we had to spend time together, and we had so much fun over this past month. And after this semester, instead of just a month, we get three, which rocks! So I have a HUGE incentive to get back there and just trudge thru the craziness that is my binghamton life, haha. And hey, in a year and 4 months, I will be graduating! Woohoo magoo!
But I won't go on cause if i do more magoos will come out and i need all the magoos i can keep.
Obviously the sleep is talking!
G'night!