Where did the years go...?
So here I am at the dawn of my life and ...the twilight of my life, or at least my life as I have known it. I have been really nostalgic latly. It started with my boasting about ISU and then it just seemed to remind me of how many stages I have been through. I see my little brother going out with kids from other high schools and getting into the same kind of trouble I did. It makes me chuckle to think of Lauren, Debra, Cara and I, and thats only the begining of it. All the nights with Alex, brian, and Cara. Reguardless of what has happened between all of us, I still have the memories and to this day they remain some of the best I have known. Maybe just because of the time in my life; in high school, no worries, no responsibilities, and excess income. Then comes thoughts of Do It Best, walking up that ramp for 5 years. All the people I have met, all I have learned. Not just hardware, but that job gave me wit and self-confidence. It forced me to talk to people and not the most conversational people, big burley contractor guys. Some were perv's and others were just odd, but all and all good guys. Not just the customers, but my DIB family as well. We were really like family, that being said, it is so weird to see how things have evolved from Brad in paint, Nick and Andy on the floor with Cara working right next to me. . .those were good times too..
After high school comes ISU, while these were also some of the most amazing times of my life. I look back and realize that I regret a lot of my actions from this time. I was young and made poor choices that hurt a lot of people and now that I am starting to realize it, it hurts me to think of what I did. They are not all regrets however, a lot of it is just learning; looking back and saying "man I wish I had been more outgoing, or got involved more", done this, not done that, you know, typical looking back stuff. My two years with Daniele were capped off at Hewitt hall, probably the most fun I have had away from home. Those girls were amazing and for the fist time I felt that I had found a nitch...then I left.
Salzburg was eye opening and in many ways too much too soon for me. I did not know how to handle the whole situation, it was not until my whirlwind Europeantour ended that I had a chance to sit down and reflect. It was then that I understood everything and realized how foolish I had acted, simply because I was confused and scared. But had I understood and seen things as I do now, I would not have been scared. Coming home from that trip I cried and I remember a group of high school kids on the plane coming home to chicago from a geography bee in D.C. They were sitting right next to me while the tears poured down my face and when they asked if I was ok, I didn't really if I was, or even why I was crying. The joy of going home was overwhelming, but my new found love for Austria and Germany was pulling my emotions in another direction, which also elicited tears. This just left me sad and confused.
In coming back to ISU I felt out of place, I had not kept up with the amazing girls in Hewitt with whom I had become so close before my departure. And again in my life I felt out of place as I tried to find somewhere to live after school started. I found a place with strangers who took me in and befriended me and out of it I got to meet one of the most amazing woman I have ever met. she may only be a year older than me, but I respect her and hold her in the highest esteem. I enjoyed nothing more than just sitting and chatting, something I had never before found interesting. She had everything right and I just loved being perfect by association. Our lives have pulled in different directions, but the impact of her friendship will always remain.
As it so often happens, just after I hit it off and was starting to fit in, it was time to leave again. But this time I found myself right back where I started; Home. The U of I seemed like a good idea and I would still say it was in the sense of book education. But anything beyond that, no. I feel like in coming home I have degressed. In living at home with my parents, I have turned back into the girl I was when I left for the first time. At ISU I was independent, I took care of myself and did what I needed to on my own. Here, I feel like so immature and lazy. I don't get anything done, and I don't feel the pressure to get anything done. In Normal, I went to the gym religiously every other day, did my studies, was involved, and never left the house without a shower and make-up. But here I always feel frantic, I haven't been to the gym in months, I look like crap most of the time and feel over worked, yet I get nothing done. I just have to get over the mental hurtle of coming home, I feel like I sub-consciously turn into a little girl whenever I come to Urbana.
But U of I hasn't all been awful, my social life has taken off. I am really enjoying my time at Delta Zeta and getting to know all the girls. It is weird seeing eye to eye with a lot of the girls in the house, not because they are young (because most of them are very mature), but just because I have seen more. I have lived in three cities, two countries; lived in the dorm for two years, and an apartment for one. And most of them have lived at home and at U of I, in the dorms for a year, and now in the house. I am not trying ot say that I am any better then them because of it, I am just different and relate differently. I found a great bunch of girls at Delta Zeta and am still working on finding my nitch. But I am afraid that when I do, it will be time to leave, again
That being said, I look foreward to a very bittersweet graduation in May. I considered grad school, but feel like there is more I want to do before I begin research in Inter-cultural communication. I have learned a lot in studying Euorpean vs. american communication styles and culture. It would be facinating to experience a totally different culture and teach English in Japan with the Jet program. This would give me another dimension when entering grad school after doing that for a year. So the plan right now is to spend a year teaching in Japan, and then back home for grad school in inter-cultural communication, maybe Oklahoma. I heard they have a good program in that. But as far as a job-it's going to be a while. Life has too much to offer to get straight to the point, there is so much beautiful scenery to enjoy first!