a difficult weekend ahead
Saturday i will be going back to Chicago for the weekend. I guess, primarily, to get all the soft goods I can carry.
Who knows about any sort of reconciliation or decision with rick. We are so up in the air, but I think the ending is pretty obvious.
If we decide to end it because of distance, et al., how hard it will be to suddenly just "turn it off." Stop calling/stop caring. No more boyfriend as of T minus 5 4 3 2 1. Gone.
How do you just decide to end something that has no natural end.
I still love him very much. But i have my reservations.
Honestly, someone who does not understand what a hard time it is to be down here, and what a hard time it was to be there, will not suddenly empathize. Its ok. is it?
To him, I suddenly got up and left chicago to move back "home" to orlando. This is not in any fashion the way it happened.
The week of no sleep was a pretty bleak time. He would go to work and come home and I'd still be in the same place he left me. Awake. Day and Night. Not watching tv or eating. not even reading. nothing. Hardly speaking. No reason to go anywhere. three straight days. it doesn't sound so long until you ponder how shitty you feel after only 24 hours awake. Try 68.
After the second day and night you begin to count the minutes. You begin to look over your body. Rediscover your hands and feet. Your skin starts to lose its color, turning a pale gray. You've found every vein in yor hand and what else it connects to. Every dry dead flake of skin on your arms from the cold, dry chicago weather. The only time i really moved around was to let out the dogs.
All appetite is gone. Food doesn't even stir the habitual response to eat for the sake of mealtime. My usual violent response to visitors was even suspended. People came and went, at least a few and i managed an upturned glance from the dining table's bench where i spent most of the time staring at the wall. I think I wore the same thing the entire time. I didn't notice Jack coming or going too much. Try keeping yourself up for 24 hours.
Now imagine your body telling you that you WILL be awake for three days, regardless. Memo. Urgent. Eyes and brain broken. Stand by.
When I fell asleep it was about 7am. I had been awake all night trying, restless, moving. Next to someone who was fully knocked out and snoring, a smack in the face. I just suddenly passed out at about 7 as rick was leaving for work.
Even as out of it as I was, I couldn't shake the dirty looks. Like I was so lazy. I wanted so much to do anything. I just couldn't. Is that lazy? I doubt it. It may just be indescribable.
Is that not a red flag?
I guess he didn't know. notice? Or find this abnormal.I find it very dispassionate and self centered that he didn't notice anything different about me. Yet still, people in fl were able to glean that something was wrong and urged me to come down to see the doctor. Now, anyone with any mental health issues knows it is a big step to decide to go to the dr. This was my dr., not one I'd be seeing for the first time. But it is still a sort of surrender. A relinquishment of authority over yourself. I am not well. Help me.
This is and will always be a difficult step. Plus, it is often difficult to recognize in yourself the beginnings of problems. The sleeping is only one of many horrible issues surfacing at once that were, to say the least, odd. There was also the losing of several hours at a time. Like blacking out, but I was awake. Just suddenly would look up and hours had gone by. Especially at night. But I was never sleep. My brain was just talking to me in an extremely agitated state and very quickly. Sometimes multiple voices. Just screaming about various subjects. different opinions about random shit. CONSTANTLY. That was one of the main things driving me mad. Also, the inability to cope with any sort of change. Or problem of any kind. Bursts of tears. Isolation. Loneliness. But rick didn't pick up on any them. Not a simple "are you ok?"
This leads to where I think he truly believe I just randomly picked up and left. I left HIM. He was left by me because I didn't feel like DOING Chicago anymore. Does anyone truly think I WANT to be in Orlando!?
I understand his pain over me leaving. I did not want to leave and it hurts me too. But sometimes medical and financial reasons overtake emotions. That is not a situation you ever want, trust me.
that was neither the beginning nor the end of the problems I was having in Chicago. I can't say that coming to Orlando has solved any of them except the strictly financial, as I have a shit job that is sucking the life from me quickly. I'll get to that.
I'm not even in Orlando. I'm in sorrento, 35 minutes out. I'm nowhere. I'm in a house I don't belong to. I only ever spent a month or two at a time in the house. I don't consider it "home." It is where my parents live. I am now spending m nights in the guest room. This has contributed to a gradual sense of identity loss that is now gnawing steadily on my soul. It makes me feel like I am dying. There is no longer a need to be myself. I am a guest. I am welcome indefinitely but I am a guest in the guest room. It has a warm, but sterile feeling. So general as to suit anyone who may wander through. Assorted crystal lamps, large wooden ornate light colored wood furniture. Nothing here reflects me. I have no pictures, no decorations, nothing except a large mass of shoes in the elongated window sill. The purple room, which previously served as my bedroom for those months I spent here before I started full sail is now just a tv room. I go in there sometimes. My dresser is in there. The included bathroom in the purple room is not mine. I use the one in the hall.
There is also no reason to be myself. There is the very real self that my family knows and that is fine, but I'm growing out of it. And the unwell part of myself is not included in the familial self. So that is a clash of interests.
I have lost myself. Getting m stuff from Chicago is not going to fix this. I don't know where home is anymore.
Anyway,
I did not come to the decision to stay in Orlando (indefinitely? hopefully no) with any ease. Rick acts and says "I left him." While that may be logistically true, I did not do it in an emotional or even intentional way. I went down to seek medical treatment of a somewhat emergent nature. I was losing it again. I wasn't recognizing myself in the mirror. That is unimaginable unless you've been there.
Rick and I. What is the obvious thing there. It is obvious. I am disgusted with the idea of trying a long distance thing. It hasn't worked so far, in the short month we've be provisionally trying it. It's not a temporary absence we are covering for. There is no promise of seeing each other on a regular basis. At the same time, there is no definite reason I wouldn't end up back in Chicago. I am looking to stay where I can find a great and steady job. I'm flexible with area. Going back to Chicago does scare me for two reasons concerning rick. I would probably just go back to living with him in our apt; so i would just be umping back into our relationships with it problems. Also, he is not glued to Chicago, I could be signing on for a promising, rewarding?, long term position, and then he'd end up leaving anyway. What shit.
Once again, how to stay with someone who doesn't notice I was profoundly disturbed.
How to stay with someone who can't make a slight provision for the fact that I can't deal with 1 hours notice of 4 3-night guests.
I was huddled in a corner in our room over most of new years eve when a gang of jacks friends suddel (to me) appeared. I'm not built to deal with this. Rick's response was: why can't you be more social? Come hang out!
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
Paul brings up the idea that I attract the same problems to myself.
as do we all?
so unhealthy.
Notice of late.
I can't get out of bed. I can't even move my arms and legs.
Oh yeah, and my shit job here: sprint call center. Feel free to call sprint and bitch to me about your fucking phone. I wish i were dead. But i'm not that kind of person.
Who knows about any sort of reconciliation or decision with rick. We are so up in the air, but I think the ending is pretty obvious.
If we decide to end it because of distance, et al., how hard it will be to suddenly just "turn it off." Stop calling/stop caring. No more boyfriend as of T minus 5 4 3 2 1. Gone.
How do you just decide to end something that has no natural end.
I still love him very much. But i have my reservations.
Honestly, someone who does not understand what a hard time it is to be down here, and what a hard time it was to be there, will not suddenly empathize. Its ok. is it?
To him, I suddenly got up and left chicago to move back "home" to orlando. This is not in any fashion the way it happened.
The week of no sleep was a pretty bleak time. He would go to work and come home and I'd still be in the same place he left me. Awake. Day and Night. Not watching tv or eating. not even reading. nothing. Hardly speaking. No reason to go anywhere. three straight days. it doesn't sound so long until you ponder how shitty you feel after only 24 hours awake. Try 68.
After the second day and night you begin to count the minutes. You begin to look over your body. Rediscover your hands and feet. Your skin starts to lose its color, turning a pale gray. You've found every vein in yor hand and what else it connects to. Every dry dead flake of skin on your arms from the cold, dry chicago weather. The only time i really moved around was to let out the dogs.
All appetite is gone. Food doesn't even stir the habitual response to eat for the sake of mealtime. My usual violent response to visitors was even suspended. People came and went, at least a few and i managed an upturned glance from the dining table's bench where i spent most of the time staring at the wall. I think I wore the same thing the entire time. I didn't notice Jack coming or going too much. Try keeping yourself up for 24 hours.
Now imagine your body telling you that you WILL be awake for three days, regardless. Memo. Urgent. Eyes and brain broken. Stand by.
When I fell asleep it was about 7am. I had been awake all night trying, restless, moving. Next to someone who was fully knocked out and snoring, a smack in the face. I just suddenly passed out at about 7 as rick was leaving for work.
Even as out of it as I was, I couldn't shake the dirty looks. Like I was so lazy. I wanted so much to do anything. I just couldn't. Is that lazy? I doubt it. It may just be indescribable.
Is that not a red flag?
I guess he didn't know. notice? Or find this abnormal.I find it very dispassionate and self centered that he didn't notice anything different about me. Yet still, people in fl were able to glean that something was wrong and urged me to come down to see the doctor. Now, anyone with any mental health issues knows it is a big step to decide to go to the dr. This was my dr., not one I'd be seeing for the first time. But it is still a sort of surrender. A relinquishment of authority over yourself. I am not well. Help me.
This is and will always be a difficult step. Plus, it is often difficult to recognize in yourself the beginnings of problems. The sleeping is only one of many horrible issues surfacing at once that were, to say the least, odd. There was also the losing of several hours at a time. Like blacking out, but I was awake. Just suddenly would look up and hours had gone by. Especially at night. But I was never sleep. My brain was just talking to me in an extremely agitated state and very quickly. Sometimes multiple voices. Just screaming about various subjects. different opinions about random shit. CONSTANTLY. That was one of the main things driving me mad. Also, the inability to cope with any sort of change. Or problem of any kind. Bursts of tears. Isolation. Loneliness. But rick didn't pick up on any them. Not a simple "are you ok?"
This leads to where I think he truly believe I just randomly picked up and left. I left HIM. He was left by me because I didn't feel like DOING Chicago anymore. Does anyone truly think I WANT to be in Orlando!?
I understand his pain over me leaving. I did not want to leave and it hurts me too. But sometimes medical and financial reasons overtake emotions. That is not a situation you ever want, trust me.
that was neither the beginning nor the end of the problems I was having in Chicago. I can't say that coming to Orlando has solved any of them except the strictly financial, as I have a shit job that is sucking the life from me quickly. I'll get to that.
I'm not even in Orlando. I'm in sorrento, 35 minutes out. I'm nowhere. I'm in a house I don't belong to. I only ever spent a month or two at a time in the house. I don't consider it "home." It is where my parents live. I am now spending m nights in the guest room. This has contributed to a gradual sense of identity loss that is now gnawing steadily on my soul. It makes me feel like I am dying. There is no longer a need to be myself. I am a guest. I am welcome indefinitely but I am a guest in the guest room. It has a warm, but sterile feeling. So general as to suit anyone who may wander through. Assorted crystal lamps, large wooden ornate light colored wood furniture. Nothing here reflects me. I have no pictures, no decorations, nothing except a large mass of shoes in the elongated window sill. The purple room, which previously served as my bedroom for those months I spent here before I started full sail is now just a tv room. I go in there sometimes. My dresser is in there. The included bathroom in the purple room is not mine. I use the one in the hall.
There is also no reason to be myself. There is the very real self that my family knows and that is fine, but I'm growing out of it. And the unwell part of myself is not included in the familial self. So that is a clash of interests.
I have lost myself. Getting m stuff from Chicago is not going to fix this. I don't know where home is anymore.
Anyway,
I did not come to the decision to stay in Orlando (indefinitely? hopefully no) with any ease. Rick acts and says "I left him." While that may be logistically true, I did not do it in an emotional or even intentional way. I went down to seek medical treatment of a somewhat emergent nature. I was losing it again. I wasn't recognizing myself in the mirror. That is unimaginable unless you've been there.
Rick and I. What is the obvious thing there. It is obvious. I am disgusted with the idea of trying a long distance thing. It hasn't worked so far, in the short month we've be provisionally trying it. It's not a temporary absence we are covering for. There is no promise of seeing each other on a regular basis. At the same time, there is no definite reason I wouldn't end up back in Chicago. I am looking to stay where I can find a great and steady job. I'm flexible with area. Going back to Chicago does scare me for two reasons concerning rick. I would probably just go back to living with him in our apt; so i would just be umping back into our relationships with it problems. Also, he is not glued to Chicago, I could be signing on for a promising, rewarding?, long term position, and then he'd end up leaving anyway. What shit.
Once again, how to stay with someone who doesn't notice I was profoundly disturbed.
How to stay with someone who can't make a slight provision for the fact that I can't deal with 1 hours notice of 4 3-night guests.
I was huddled in a corner in our room over most of new years eve when a gang of jacks friends suddel (to me) appeared. I'm not built to deal with this. Rick's response was: why can't you be more social? Come hang out!
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
Paul brings up the idea that I attract the same problems to myself.
as do we all?
so unhealthy.
Notice of late.
I can't get out of bed. I can't even move my arms and legs.
Oh yeah, and my shit job here: sprint call center. Feel free to call sprint and bitch to me about your fucking phone. I wish i were dead. But i'm not that kind of person.