BABY BABY ITS A WILD WORLD ITS HARD TO GET BY JUST UPON A SMILE
Do you know what i relized the other day? I relized that this year, my junior year, stupid cliques arent areound as much as they were in freshmman and sophomore year. im so glad for that because there was nothing i hated more than cliques. i dont think i really ever had one. There was always just Amber or Kath and sometimes Ashley or whatever. But i never really had a set group of girls that i was biffle with and people recognized us for that. Ive always skipped around. Ive noticed it even more so now because i dont even hang out with anyone in high school anymore. Besides when i occasionaly hang out slamb. I like it that way, not having a set group of friends.Thats one thing that im in a good mood about.
But something in not is i made my desicion. Today i have to tell Andrew that if he really wants me and he really loves me than he has to wait. ANd im not talking about a week or so of a few days... like as much time as i need.I love him still i think that i always will but i just need to see whats going to happen with JJ annd maybe what else is out there. I need to know that i really love him. you know they say if you love something let it go and if it comes back its yours. HAha that sounded gay but im hoping that its somewhat true. I just need to know and i cant find that out if i emidiately start things back up with andrew and find out he hasnt chaged at all. Thats another thing...i need to see if hes really changed. No more cheating, lying, asshole ways. No more smoking weed every day, no more 40 nights in a row of getting drunk, no more coke expiriences. Im done with my old ways(ALTHOUGH IT WAS THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE) and i need to know that hes going to put in and effort to change. I cant be the only one putting effort into the relationship anymore. Im so sick of that.But one thing i dont want to give up is 'E'. THATS THE SHIT, no matter how gay that sounds it not even bad and im in love with it. gah. But back to andrew. I just dont want to get my heart broken again, especially not by him. I almost died last time and i dont think that i can handle something so intesnse again. Blah.
Why do things have to get so intesnse when your a teenager. If that even makes sense but it does to me. Things jsut seem to come and go so fast and your life is always coming at you full force. Its nauseating. cant spell for my life. But Theres just so much shit going on in my life right now that i dont have time for anyof it. I dont even know if im going to be able to graduate next year because im doing god aweful thins year. midterms are in a few weeks and i need to start CRACKING DOWN. Its not going to happen but its nic eto talk about, you know? Friends come and go so fast too. It makes me want to cry when i think about people moving away or going to college. I mean i know im going to see them anyway but it just wont be the ssame. pffft college. One thing i know is that i cant go to collefge right after high school. Becuase if i did do that then i would fail out. I nned to get all the partying and other expiriences out of my system for like ayear so maybe i have a chance of doing well in college....if i go. i already know what i want to do with my life...so no worries. days just come and go so fast and when you look back on somethings you think that they happend a day or a month ago but in all honsety they happended like a year or 2 ago. Im not 13 anymore and i keep on forgetting that. I keep on forgetting things arent always going to be the same and that i need ot figure out what im going to to. Life cant always be one big party like i want it to be but for the time being i might as well just have fun because before i know it its going to be time to start the rest of my life. Its a scary thought. It didnt used to be because andrew would talk about it with me. it made me feel so much better because i thought i wsa going to be with him for atleast a few morre years and id go through everything with him. But for right now im on my own and i need to do a little bit of soul serching to find out if certain things in my life are for real or not and if things are going to work out the way i plan them too (doubtfully becuase they never do work ot the way they should.) Bummmmmmmer mannn. I jsut wish my life wasnt going by so quickly i need to stop to think and appreciate it a little bit more becuase if i dont im going to regret alot of things. im going to make myself cry in schooll. hahah watta jokedudue. But honsetly i remember being 8 and saying "the perfect age is 16. Your so old and you can do so much i cant wait untill im 16" well hear i am 16 years old and i miss the old days. I miss alot of people and i missed alot of good oppertunities. but theres nothing i can do about it now. I just need to not make those mistakes again. i wanna stay 18 forever. but the world dosent work like that huh?
But something in not is i made my desicion. Today i have to tell Andrew that if he really wants me and he really loves me than he has to wait. ANd im not talking about a week or so of a few days... like as much time as i need.I love him still i think that i always will but i just need to see whats going to happen with JJ annd maybe what else is out there. I need to know that i really love him. you know they say if you love something let it go and if it comes back its yours. HAha that sounded gay but im hoping that its somewhat true. I just need to know and i cant find that out if i emidiately start things back up with andrew and find out he hasnt chaged at all. Thats another thing...i need to see if hes really changed. No more cheating, lying, asshole ways. No more smoking weed every day, no more 40 nights in a row of getting drunk, no more coke expiriences. Im done with my old ways(ALTHOUGH IT WAS THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE) and i need to know that hes going to put in and effort to change. I cant be the only one putting effort into the relationship anymore. Im so sick of that.But one thing i dont want to give up is 'E'. THATS THE SHIT, no matter how gay that sounds it not even bad and im in love with it. gah. But back to andrew. I just dont want to get my heart broken again, especially not by him. I almost died last time and i dont think that i can handle something so intesnse again. Blah.
Why do things have to get so intesnse when your a teenager. If that even makes sense but it does to me. Things jsut seem to come and go so fast and your life is always coming at you full force. Its nauseating. cant spell for my life. But Theres just so much shit going on in my life right now that i dont have time for anyof it. I dont even know if im going to be able to graduate next year because im doing god aweful thins year. midterms are in a few weeks and i need to start CRACKING DOWN. Its not going to happen but its nic eto talk about, you know? Friends come and go so fast too. It makes me want to cry when i think about people moving away or going to college. I mean i know im going to see them anyway but it just wont be the ssame. pffft college. One thing i know is that i cant go to collefge right after high school. Becuase if i did do that then i would fail out. I nned to get all the partying and other expiriences out of my system for like ayear so maybe i have a chance of doing well in college....if i go. i already know what i want to do with my life...so no worries. days just come and go so fast and when you look back on somethings you think that they happend a day or a month ago but in all honsety they happended like a year or 2 ago. Im not 13 anymore and i keep on forgetting that. I keep on forgetting things arent always going to be the same and that i need ot figure out what im going to to. Life cant always be one big party like i want it to be but for the time being i might as well just have fun because before i know it its going to be time to start the rest of my life. Its a scary thought. It didnt used to be because andrew would talk about it with me. it made me feel so much better because i thought i wsa going to be with him for atleast a few morre years and id go through everything with him. But for right now im on my own and i need to do a little bit of soul serching to find out if certain things in my life are for real or not and if things are going to work out the way i plan them too (doubtfully becuase they never do work ot the way they should.) Bummmmmmmer mannn. I jsut wish my life wasnt going by so quickly i need to stop to think and appreciate it a little bit more becuase if i dont im going to regret alot of things. im going to make myself cry in schooll. hahah watta jokedudue. But honsetly i remember being 8 and saying "the perfect age is 16. Your so old and you can do so much i cant wait untill im 16" well hear i am 16 years old and i miss the old days. I miss alot of people and i missed alot of good oppertunities. but theres nothing i can do about it now. I just need to not make those mistakes again. i wanna stay 18 forever. but the world dosent work like that huh?