Meat orders, translated
What people mean when they ask for:
"a quarter pound (of salami)": "Give me a decent amount of salami."
"a quarter pound (of anything else)": "I don't realize how few slices that is, and am wasting your valuable time."
"a third of a pound": "I'm just being difficult."
"half a pound": "Give me a decent amount of deli meat. I am a normal person."
"three-quarters of a pound": "Give me sort of a lot, but not too much. You know."
"a pound": either "This is my kids' lunch meat for the week" or "I have no conception of how much meat is actually in a pound, and am going to be surprised when it's a lot."
"[any number of ounces]": "I'm just following a recipe. I don't know how many ounces are in a pound. Do math for me, bitch."
"[anything over a pound]": "I am a sadist with no consideration for other peoples' tired arms; also, this meat is going to go bad before I get a chance to eat all of it."
"sliced thin": "Don't try to pull anything, missy. Four quarter-pound slices of salami doesn't make a pound."
Customers are always ordering meats "sliced for sandwiches." This is my favorite request because, despite the differences in our changing modern world, the appropriate thickness for sandwich meats is apparently a universal constant.
"a quarter pound (of salami)": "Give me a decent amount of salami."
"a quarter pound (of anything else)": "I don't realize how few slices that is, and am wasting your valuable time."
"a third of a pound": "I'm just being difficult."
"half a pound": "Give me a decent amount of deli meat. I am a normal person."
"three-quarters of a pound": "Give me sort of a lot, but not too much. You know."
"a pound": either "This is my kids' lunch meat for the week" or "I have no conception of how much meat is actually in a pound, and am going to be surprised when it's a lot."
"[any number of ounces]": "I'm just following a recipe. I don't know how many ounces are in a pound. Do math for me, bitch."
"[anything over a pound]": "I am a sadist with no consideration for other peoples' tired arms; also, this meat is going to go bad before I get a chance to eat all of it."
"sliced thin": "Don't try to pull anything, missy. Four quarter-pound slices of salami doesn't make a pound."
Customers are always ordering meats "sliced for sandwiches." This is my favorite request because, despite the differences in our changing modern world, the appropriate thickness for sandwich meats is apparently a universal constant.