(no subject)
i was overcome by it without warning. what started as slow and gradual had somehow become unstoppable. it became too much to bear - so i buried it away.
i buried it deeply, for i knew it could not be killed. how clever i was to bury it so deeply that it would never again arise - never again take over. how free and in control i was to think of burying it so deeply.
much too clever.
a thing like this cannot stay buried. a thing like this, when buried, will thrive. it will never subside.
it found its way by going deeper still than i could ever bury it. it worked itself into underground channels, met up with bedrock, followed its streams. a drip of the thing i buried so deep wound slowly and surely until it met with and became the ocean.
this thing no longer buried rises up as a tsunami with no warning and washes over me - it presses up out of the ocean and encompasses me and drags me back with it. it has gone far further than i ever could have buried it - and now it is taking me back with it to its impossible depths.
this thing unburied was far more powerful than i had thought. it is clear now after its reemergence that i never should have buried it - especially not so deeply. as though something like that can ever be buried. as though something like that is not at all times omnipresent.
i am once again overcome by it without warning. so much more powerful it seems now than before - and yet the terror and fear that gave me folly to believe it could be buried is no longer there. i have been such a fool.
i should have known from how completely it encompassed me to begin with - i should have known that this is too intractable a thing to be buried. it is not a thing that can ever be buried. as if it were not intangible. as if it could ever be separated. as if it was not of me.
so here i am again - overcome by it. this time i will be braver and stronger - i will embrace it. i do not know how to wield or control it, and i do not know if it will destroy me - but i do know that it is an inescapable part of me - and that the only way it will ever be buried is with me.
i buried it deeply, for i knew it could not be killed. how clever i was to bury it so deeply that it would never again arise - never again take over. how free and in control i was to think of burying it so deeply.
much too clever.
a thing like this cannot stay buried. a thing like this, when buried, will thrive. it will never subside.
it found its way by going deeper still than i could ever bury it. it worked itself into underground channels, met up with bedrock, followed its streams. a drip of the thing i buried so deep wound slowly and surely until it met with and became the ocean.
this thing no longer buried rises up as a tsunami with no warning and washes over me - it presses up out of the ocean and encompasses me and drags me back with it. it has gone far further than i ever could have buried it - and now it is taking me back with it to its impossible depths.
this thing unburied was far more powerful than i had thought. it is clear now after its reemergence that i never should have buried it - especially not so deeply. as though something like that can ever be buried. as though something like that is not at all times omnipresent.
i am once again overcome by it without warning. so much more powerful it seems now than before - and yet the terror and fear that gave me folly to believe it could be buried is no longer there. i have been such a fool.
i should have known from how completely it encompassed me to begin with - i should have known that this is too intractable a thing to be buried. it is not a thing that can ever be buried. as if it were not intangible. as if it could ever be separated. as if it was not of me.
so here i am again - overcome by it. this time i will be braver and stronger - i will embrace it. i do not know how to wield or control it, and i do not know if it will destroy me - but i do know that it is an inescapable part of me - and that the only way it will ever be buried is with me.