Blessed...
I'm feeling totally blessed right now. Not really sure how to explain it, but I am. Just had an amazing few days at home. Not that anything that great allowed me to be there (I had to go home for a funeral), but I got to stay a few more days than I was originally planning. And it turned out to be just what I needed. Maybe I was burnt out already. I got to just be a lot in Russia. Just be still. Especially the last half, when I couldn't get around real easy. And I missed that. So I spent quite a few hours since Tuesday night laying in my front yard, just looking up. Just being. Listening. Telling God how I felt. That, despite all the emotions that have rushed through me the past couple weeks, I still didn't feel like I felt real emotions. I don't know if that makes sense at all...sorry.
I borrowed this CD from Gretchen awhile ago. I listened to it all the way to Hamilton and all the way back to Springfield, as well as every time I got in the car this week. I don't know what it is about the whole CD, but it really spoke to me. The songs below have especially hit me.
I try to understand
But all I feel
Crushes me
But then I enter in
To all of You
Now I know
As for me
I long to be
Near to You
Near to You
As for me
It's good to be
Near to You
Near to You
~Near to You, Enter the Worship Circle, 2nd Circle
Crushed.
My heart is broken
My spirit crushed
There is aching in these arms
To feel Your touch
Be near to me
Be near to me
I will taste and see
That You are good
So good
Be near to me
Be near to me
I will taste and see
That You are good
So good
Rescue me quickly
Lord hear my cries
I am reaching out my hands
My soul is dry
~Be Near to Me, Enter the Worship Circle, 2nd Circle
I've talked a lot lately about being Homesick. And that's true. And I still feel it. And I don't think it's something that will go away with time. I know that it's not. In fact, I think it's something that's just going to get more intense as I grow up in Christ. As He teaches me more and more about Himself, and I experience and gain (very little) more comprehension about the Home that we will have someday. As we more fully understand the joy that we'll experience in Heaven, I think the harder it'll be here on earth.
Funerals are usually sad occasions. And this one was no different. My Great Uncle Bud...was an amazing man of Christ. So it was more of a celebration. We sang some of his favorite hymns and remembered good times with him. And my aunt was amazing. She understands the hope we have. Most wives would be devastated at the funerals of their husbands. Especially losing a husband of such quality that she had. She said that the last few years, she could feel their love grow for one another. But she was happy all day long. I didn't see her shed one tear. And when we lined up to walk by the casket and see Uncle Bud for "the last time ever," so the funeral director said, she piped up with, "Oh no, it's not. I'll see him soon." I was surrounded by family with faith like this for most of my stay at home. And it was amazing. I can only pray for a relationship like that. With Christ, first and foremost, and also with a husband someday.