Equal Opportunity Employer
I’m not sure what the lice invasion portends for my new year, but I spent the better part of the day standing in front of a mirror and using an ultra fine-toothed metal comb to painstakingly extract nits and other foreign substances from my hair. It would have been nice to have someone to do it for me, and I even asked the someone around for help, but found it was better on my own.
As I was perfecting my technique I came to the realization that the characteristics of a good nit-picker and a good lover are strikingly similar. And at the moment I could use a good [nit-picker], so I began to list the job requirements in my mind. First and foremost, attentiveness. You must be willing to sit before me in rapt attention, taking in each and every hair from top to bottom, one by one by one. I’ve got a lot of hair. It will take hours and will demand a certain level of physical endurance. You must be intuitive, curious, imaginative -- able to pursue what might not be immediately apparent, and to know how to follow the signals that inevitably arise and fall away from the sensory fields of touch and vision. You’ve also got to know how to be firm, when to apply pressure, when to release, when to hold tight, when to let go. You’ve got to be able dig those teeth in, just so, in order to reach your goal while also avoiding undo pain. But you can’t be afraid of pain, because judiciously and artfully applied it will strip defenses bare, right down to the core. It is a fine line, and you must be able to master the threshold and take charge to push the limits when necessary. There may be a variety of tools involved, but in the hands of the uninitiated, the squeamish, the meek, they will be useless and the whole endeavor will be a futile waste of time. A rhythm is helpful. Too intense, and you may burn yourself out before the job is completed to satisfaction, and yet random or haphazard is likely to lead to missed opportunities and disappointment.
Salary is nonexistent, but working conditions and benefits are excellent. Interested applicants are invited to submit a resume to the management.
As I was perfecting my technique I came to the realization that the characteristics of a good nit-picker and a good lover are strikingly similar. And at the moment I could use a good [nit-picker], so I began to list the job requirements in my mind. First and foremost, attentiveness. You must be willing to sit before me in rapt attention, taking in each and every hair from top to bottom, one by one by one. I’ve got a lot of hair. It will take hours and will demand a certain level of physical endurance. You must be intuitive, curious, imaginative -- able to pursue what might not be immediately apparent, and to know how to follow the signals that inevitably arise and fall away from the sensory fields of touch and vision. You’ve also got to know how to be firm, when to apply pressure, when to release, when to hold tight, when to let go. You’ve got to be able dig those teeth in, just so, in order to reach your goal while also avoiding undo pain. But you can’t be afraid of pain, because judiciously and artfully applied it will strip defenses bare, right down to the core. It is a fine line, and you must be able to master the threshold and take charge to push the limits when necessary. There may be a variety of tools involved, but in the hands of the uninitiated, the squeamish, the meek, they will be useless and the whole endeavor will be a futile waste of time. A rhythm is helpful. Too intense, and you may burn yourself out before the job is completed to satisfaction, and yet random or haphazard is likely to lead to missed opportunities and disappointment.
Salary is nonexistent, but working conditions and benefits are excellent. Interested applicants are invited to submit a resume to the management.