agwieovkm
so i havn't posted in this forever and whatever who cares. i should delete all that old shit but im not going to. it's interseting to look back and see "this is what i was. this is how i felt. god i was a moron"
today is not a good day. today is a day of apathay, longing, fear, sadness and idleness. normally the last one is fine but today it'snot. today it's scary. it's another peg in the "your life is worthless" board. it's another reminder that i have little. everyone iknow has things that excite them, entices them to learn more. books, music, or whatever. or people work to help themsleves. i don't do anything. i sit, i kind of go to school, i coast. i can't tell you how much i hate coasting right now. the idea makes me sick and afraid as hell. why am i here. someone asked me that a few days. "why are we around" of course he wanted me to say god which, if i do say, i am compleatly ok with being hit for it. but i said "i live for myself". and now i look at that sentance....and i want to laugh. i live for myself by letting my friend hurt herself? i live for myself by letting my boyfriend slowly slip away from me and not doing anything about it? i live for myself by getting c's in school and barely attempting to do better? i would love to say "im going to change and make a difference" but really, it'd be bullshit. i don't have the guts, courage or minute to minute mindset to change myself. and untill recently i was ok with that. but now. i kind of disgust myself. of course this could be my day after partying binge talking. but rightnow i don't like who i am. at all. and i don't think anyone else should either.
today is not a good day. today is a day of apathay, longing, fear, sadness and idleness. normally the last one is fine but today it'snot. today it's scary. it's another peg in the "your life is worthless" board. it's another reminder that i have little. everyone iknow has things that excite them, entices them to learn more. books, music, or whatever. or people work to help themsleves. i don't do anything. i sit, i kind of go to school, i coast. i can't tell you how much i hate coasting right now. the idea makes me sick and afraid as hell. why am i here. someone asked me that a few days. "why are we around" of course he wanted me to say god which, if i do say, i am compleatly ok with being hit for it. but i said "i live for myself". and now i look at that sentance....and i want to laugh. i live for myself by letting my friend hurt herself? i live for myself by letting my boyfriend slowly slip away from me and not doing anything about it? i live for myself by getting c's in school and barely attempting to do better? i would love to say "im going to change and make a difference" but really, it'd be bullshit. i don't have the guts, courage or minute to minute mindset to change myself. and untill recently i was ok with that. but now. i kind of disgust myself. of course this could be my day after partying binge talking. but rightnow i don't like who i am. at all. and i don't think anyone else should either.