(Untitled)

[dzuunmod]

This American Life focused on "The Sanctity of Marriage" tonight. The first act of the show had the host, Ira Glass, talking with some marriage counsellors from Seattle. The counsellors/researchers observe a couple for about 15 minutes, as they discuss their problems. Essentially, the couple has a fight in front of a video camera. After breaking

Comments

[fiercecupcake]

thanks for the link; I always forget to listen to TAL, and this weekend I even forgot to listen to Prairie Home Companion!

in my relationship, there is very little fighting, but this isn't always a good thing. I come from an upbringing in a family with many heated fights/arguments/discussions, and I am used to yelling and arguing and fighting. it's a bit of a release for me when I'm really angry at the other person's actions or when I simply disagree with them and can't change their mind. it's childish, but it helps me blow off steam.

Tim won't fight. he simply withdraws altogether, and his silence is really scary. don't get me wrong--he will stand up for his beliefs and point of view, but he very, very rarely raises his voice or lets a situation escalate, and I don't know how to deal with that.

we're working on it, and I see how his situation is more adult and reasonable and civil, but I have a hard time unlearning the ways I have of dealing.

(that was long. sorry.)

[dzuunmod]

I know what you mean. I think my family's closer to yours, and Elizabeth's is closer to Tim's, for the most part.

And, I don't know how you can miss TAL. It's, like, the only appointment radio out there for my money. Although I'm starting to warm to Go on Sat. mornings on CBC.

[pookahontas]

Well, with my exgirlfriend, I'd do something that pissed her off, and she'd beat the crap out of me. I never made a peep if she pissed me off, because the few times early in the relationship that I did, she beat the crap out of me.

With my exboyfriend, he'd piss me off, I'd cry, we would discuss what happened like adults, and then we'd spend time holding each other. Even if we never resolved the argument, we at least illustrated our side of it to the other person, and we never walked away from each other angry.

[dzuunmod]

I'm so sorry...

[hellonurse06]

Hmm ...

First, someone *acts* pissed off. Just not being normal. Somethings different, and its usually very obvious.

Then the other practically has to beat out what's wrong. Could be either me or him. We both really try to talk about things ... but sometimes it takes a bit of coaxing. I usually won't tell him i'm pissed off at him until he makes it known that he knows somethings wrong, and he does the same.

Then we sit down and talk about it. Due to our limited time in person, most of our fights are over the phone ... And we never get off the phone angry at each other. Sometimes this leads to 6 hr (long distance!) phone conversations ... so be it. We won't go to bed pissed off either. I like it that way.

[dzuunmod]

We definitely have some of those elements in our relationship. I hate that I can't talk about what's bothering me more easily. It's that way for a variety of reasons though.

[guntar]

I'm a very non-conflict oriented person. When someone starts getting angry, I become unresponsive and withdrawn, retreating into my own shell as a defense mechanism. Once I do that, there's not much that can get me out.

When I have a problem, I think about it, try to imagine why the problem occured and what motivation my boyfriend would have, and then bring up the problem when we can both talk about it, and discuss how we feel.

I've never actually yelled at a significant other before (well, I never yell at all). When I get angry, I usually withdraw into myself the same way I do when someone gets angry at me.

[dzuunmod]

Do you ever yell in a good way? Like a primal scream sort of thing?

Do you ever raise your voice at all?

[guntar]

I never yell in a good way. I repress all my anger, withdrawing into myself when I am angry.

Anger scares me, because I experienced it growing up. I was always afraid of my father because he had such a short temper, and I lived in fear because of it. So I didn't want to make anyone afraid like that ever again.

Which, of course, has its negative consequences in that I am too non-confrontational for my own good.

[montrizzle]

Slow. One of us will say something and the other doesn't respond for a bit, taking it in. Then after a bit they'll respond and the other will take it in.

We've had two fights, only one major one. Most problems end in very mildly-mannered discussions.

[dzuunmod]

How long have you two been together? How is it possible that you've only had two? I guess it depends on what you call a fight...

[montrizzle]

Six months... well, as I've said, we've had discussions, and how I gauge it is when we have those neither of us are seriously upset and we don't raise our voices. Do one or both and it's a fight.