Middleground
Before I left for work this morning, I grabbed a book I got at a training about a year ago. It's called Parents, Teens and Boundaries. I remember loving this book when I first got it. Mainly because I could see everyone in my life on the pages. My old co-workers and their over-indulgent style. My mother and her occasional "do as I say, not as I do" ways. And now I see my current co-workers and their "bulldozer" style (as it's called in the book). it's written for parents (obviously), but the wisdom/advice translate to social service work easily.
Most of it feels like "common sense" and basically says laying boundaries entails considering both parties while upholding a standard that you adhere to carefully. You don't have to be a brute to ensure structure. And you don't have to neglect your own feelings and perspective in order to ensure the other person is cared for.
As I was sitting on the train reading through the pages I wondered what it would take to make someone go from being overbearing and "my way or the highway" to understanding and tempered. And what would make someone go from being a pushover with no boundaries to having them firm and set in place. Because there's danger in both transitions.
The overbearing parent or social services worker feels like they will lose power and potentially lose face if they are no longer the bull demanding order. And they fear the child/client won't respond appropriately unless they are forceful.
Sidenote: I can't count how many times I have been told that my children will "run all over" me because I said I won't spank them. It's kinda crazy to me that people honestly think the ONLY way children will respond is if you hit them. And that the ONLY alternative to spanking is "time-out" or some other method that they perceive as "weak" and "passive."
The permissive parent or social service worker fears harming the client/child by being "too strict" or having "too many rules." They feel like boundaries encroach on the child too much. And they usually have a very hard time dealing with someone that is persistent in their requests, even if that person hasn't held up their end of the bargain. But in the end both lose out and you can see it clearly in the kinds of responses/results they get.
In any case, it was kinda rejuvenating to re-read the book and be reminded that there are other people who think the way I think and that it has been documented as a productive, healthy method that produces results. I think I got pieces of it from my sister who was always really clear about what she expected out of me while understanding my perceptive and allowing me to be me. My mother and grandmother were understanding too, but my sister spoke my language a bit more. She was 19 years older than me, but acted like she was only about 5 years older. lol So she was an adult, but she also understood that my desire to be independent wasn't threatening, but natural.
Most of it feels like "common sense" and basically says laying boundaries entails considering both parties while upholding a standard that you adhere to carefully. You don't have to be a brute to ensure structure. And you don't have to neglect your own feelings and perspective in order to ensure the other person is cared for.
As I was sitting on the train reading through the pages I wondered what it would take to make someone go from being overbearing and "my way or the highway" to understanding and tempered. And what would make someone go from being a pushover with no boundaries to having them firm and set in place. Because there's danger in both transitions.
The overbearing parent or social services worker feels like they will lose power and potentially lose face if they are no longer the bull demanding order. And they fear the child/client won't respond appropriately unless they are forceful.
Sidenote: I can't count how many times I have been told that my children will "run all over" me because I said I won't spank them. It's kinda crazy to me that people honestly think the ONLY way children will respond is if you hit them. And that the ONLY alternative to spanking is "time-out" or some other method that they perceive as "weak" and "passive."
The permissive parent or social service worker fears harming the client/child by being "too strict" or having "too many rules." They feel like boundaries encroach on the child too much. And they usually have a very hard time dealing with someone that is persistent in their requests, even if that person hasn't held up their end of the bargain. But in the end both lose out and you can see it clearly in the kinds of responses/results they get.
In any case, it was kinda rejuvenating to re-read the book and be reminded that there are other people who think the way I think and that it has been documented as a productive, healthy method that produces results. I think I got pieces of it from my sister who was always really clear about what she expected out of me while understanding my perceptive and allowing me to be me. My mother and grandmother were understanding too, but my sister spoke my language a bit more. She was 19 years older than me, but acted like she was only about 5 years older. lol So she was an adult, but she also understood that my desire to be independent wasn't threatening, but natural.