I can't call it
I have been thinking heavily, deeply about something for the past few days. I still haven't come up with an "answer" (although my lack of an answer is sort of an answer) so I wanted to spew it all out here and see if that brings forth any sort of epiphany.
So I have no idea if I've ever been "in love." Seems rather off, right? Generally the idea is either you know or you don't know. (hence my statement earlier about lack of knowledge being an answer) I just don't feel that it's that cut and dry. Let's look at this case by case, shall we......
There have been three people that I've believed I was "in love" with (whatever the hell that means, anyway). The first was Brantley. Now with him this is interesting. I'm absolutely disgusted by him now. I mean utterly repulsed. He now represents all that I don't want in a man. He helped me form my ideal by all that he was NOT. So... how could I have been in love with someone whom I now... pity? He called the other day. I wasn't here, but he left a message which prompted he to look for his number on the caller ID. When I saw that it was his mother's I thought "this loser is back at his mother's again?" And I guess I feel that love should be eternal. That even if I didn't feel exactly the same as I did before I should feel something. And considering all he did to me and the fact that no one in their right mind would stick with someone who did that to them, I'm drawn to believe that I was more in love with the idea of being in love. It's easy to confuse the two sometimes.
Then there was Trea. Hmph. That's about the gist of what I now feel for him. Hmph. I don't really care either way. And I'm not saying that I should base this notion entirely on how I feel after we "break up", but it does count for something. Plus with both cases I wasn't attracted to them initially. I was later drawn in. Now with Trea I am inclined to think it was just that it took me a while to realize how phenomenal he was (at least in the beginning). But as opposed to with Trea whom I may have just slowly fallen for with Brantley I just succumbed. I just gave up and dropped into it. But we also have to consider the fact that I met Trea while I was seeing B. So it may be that I fell in love with the escape from/alternative to B...? Basically I know I felt something for Trea, but I'm no longer sure if I can call it being "in love" with him.
And the last, of course, is Mr. Chainlink himself. See here's a tricky situation. I love Chain, dearly. I'm quite sure I always will. He's the one I got it right with. But love does not equate being "in love." Hmmm. when I was thinking about this at work (the other night) it was flowing more freely. There's a lot I'm sure I'm missing.
Right now I'm blank. I'm at peace with all of them. I have no animosity towards B. (never really did. he disgusts me, but I'm not mad at him lol). I feel nothing outside of maybe slight curiosity as to what direction Trea will eventually follow. And as for Chain, I'm over him too*. During this process of thinking about these notions of love (and other things) I've just decided to release everybody completely. I once had these fantasies of asking him to make a LDR work, but uuuhhh fuck that idea. lol I am not in the mood to bash any ideas into someone's head. I'm glad we're friends though. But I'm done. No "'fuck him, girl' dress" is needed. No "exhaling" necessary. I'm just done. The End.
But where does that leave me on the "in love" issue? In limbo. lol
*Just to make things a little clear about this Chane issue (because I just realized how bad it may look lol) it's not that I was asking him out or anything. I just don't do well with "what if"s normally. And our situation left a huge "what if." So basically I decided to let the "what if" idea go.
So I have no idea if I've ever been "in love." Seems rather off, right? Generally the idea is either you know or you don't know. (hence my statement earlier about lack of knowledge being an answer) I just don't feel that it's that cut and dry. Let's look at this case by case, shall we......
There have been three people that I've believed I was "in love" with (whatever the hell that means, anyway). The first was Brantley. Now with him this is interesting. I'm absolutely disgusted by him now. I mean utterly repulsed. He now represents all that I don't want in a man. He helped me form my ideal by all that he was NOT. So... how could I have been in love with someone whom I now... pity? He called the other day. I wasn't here, but he left a message which prompted he to look for his number on the caller ID. When I saw that it was his mother's I thought "this loser is back at his mother's again?" And I guess I feel that love should be eternal. That even if I didn't feel exactly the same as I did before I should feel something. And considering all he did to me and the fact that no one in their right mind would stick with someone who did that to them, I'm drawn to believe that I was more in love with the idea of being in love. It's easy to confuse the two sometimes.
Then there was Trea. Hmph. That's about the gist of what I now feel for him. Hmph. I don't really care either way. And I'm not saying that I should base this notion entirely on how I feel after we "break up", but it does count for something. Plus with both cases I wasn't attracted to them initially. I was later drawn in. Now with Trea I am inclined to think it was just that it took me a while to realize how phenomenal he was (at least in the beginning). But as opposed to with Trea whom I may have just slowly fallen for with Brantley I just succumbed. I just gave up and dropped into it. But we also have to consider the fact that I met Trea while I was seeing B. So it may be that I fell in love with the escape from/alternative to B...? Basically I know I felt something for Trea, but I'm no longer sure if I can call it being "in love" with him.
And the last, of course, is Mr. Chainlink himself. See here's a tricky situation. I love Chain, dearly. I'm quite sure I always will. He's the one I got it right with. But love does not equate being "in love." Hmmm. when I was thinking about this at work (the other night) it was flowing more freely. There's a lot I'm sure I'm missing.
Right now I'm blank. I'm at peace with all of them. I have no animosity towards B. (never really did. he disgusts me, but I'm not mad at him lol). I feel nothing outside of maybe slight curiosity as to what direction Trea will eventually follow. And as for Chain, I'm over him too*. During this process of thinking about these notions of love (and other things) I've just decided to release everybody completely. I once had these fantasies of asking him to make a LDR work, but uuuhhh fuck that idea. lol I am not in the mood to bash any ideas into someone's head. I'm glad we're friends though. But I'm done. No "'fuck him, girl' dress" is needed. No "exhaling" necessary. I'm just done. The End.
But where does that leave me on the "in love" issue? In limbo. lol
*Just to make things a little clear about this Chane issue (because I just realized how bad it may look lol) it's not that I was asking him out or anything. I just don't do well with "what if"s normally. And our situation left a huge "what if." So basically I decided to let the "what if" idea go.