[Rant] Random Non-Fandom Crap
Never again am I going to AFF.net to find inspiration for writing smut. EVER.
Ugh. I'm trying to write porn, and it's not flowing. That tends to happen when the other half of your brain's been focussing on ghrelin and fish innards. Eww.
So, being a retard, I decide to try surfing the net for inspiration. And where better to go than the aptly named 'AdultFanFiction.net?' I mean seriously, you'd think that with the sheer amount of porn there is there, there'd have to be some sort of happy mix of "Okay, a little rough, but still sexy" and "OMG, HAWT", right?
WRONG. SO GODDAMN WRONG.
I ended up spending an hour just poking through and going "WD-40 isn't meant for human use..." and "um, you're joking, right?". Unfortunately, my tolerance for bad fic is low, and my tolerance for bad porn is even lower, so things soon went to the "What the- BOOBS THAT SIZE WOULD TEAR OFF FROM HER BODY THE MOMENT SHE SAT UP." and "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, ADJECTIVES DON'T WORK THAT WAY AND NEITHER DOES COCK."
And then I cried. A lot.
In short, AFF IS MY ANTI-SEX. IT IS THE LIBIDO KILLER.
*headdesk*
Honestly, does no one know how to write smut anymore? It's not like it's all that difficult! Okay, not everyone's got a knack for writing the really hot smut. I, for example, have lots of work to do...
BUT THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE YOU FOR WRITING SMUT THAT'S THAT GODDAMN AWFUL.
I mean, if follow a couple of very simple rules, you can write some fairly unoffensive, sorta sexy, and, most importantly, realistic fic.
Toast's rules for writing good decent SMUT THAT WILL NOT MAKE PEOPLE PUKE:
1) a) It's been said before, and it'll be said again, but. LUBE. LUBE IS YOUR GOD. YOU WILL USE IT. Let me explain: when two surfaces rub against each other, friction is created. If these two surfaces are, say, a penis and an internal passage of some sort, this makes for friction burns and tearing. THAT IS NOT SEXY.
b) EVEN HET COOUPLES USE LUBE. Contrary to popular belief, women don't immediately start dripping on command. Unless you've got a lot of foreplay in there, heck, even if you've got a lot of foreplay in there, there's still the distinct possibility of dryness. Which means that you need lubrication, or someone (perhaps even both parties) are gonna be hurting.
c) Machine oil does not work as lube. Neither does honey. Or hand lotion. Or blood. Seriously people, KY Jelly works really well and it's sexy! I promise! If you must experiment, though, get some of said lube substance (eg: hand lotion) and put a little in your hands. Rub you palms together quickly. If you start to feel heat, that means that it wouldn't work as lube.
d) TOXIC SUBSTANCES DON'T WORK AS LUBE. This point deserves its own line because IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT. RAR.
2)a) CONDOMS! Unless your characters are in a consensual long-term relationship or seriously drunk off their asses, or both, they're probably gonna want to prevent the making of babies and the passing of STDs. I realize that protection doesn't sound very sexy to write about but... seriously. Be a little realistic here.
b) Condoms can be sexy! There's flavoured ones, ribbed ones, and all sorts of other fun ones. Plus, most of 'em are pre-lubed, so you don't need to worry as much about where they're gonna pull the lube from!
3) Keep track of where tongues and limbs and body parts in general are. Please? Otherwise you have the unfortunate situation where, somehow, your guy is simultaneously giving head and kissing his partner's mouth at the same time. In case you haven't noticed, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
4) SEX IS MESSY. Period. Please keep in mind that there is going to be spit and sweat and cum and other various bodily fluid splattered all over the characters and, quite probably, their surroundings. If there aren't then SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG.
5) Figure out how descriptive you want to be. If you're a little squeamish, that's okay, but don't spend half a paragraph describing the foreplay and then write two frikkin' pages aboutn penetration. There is only so much time that I am willing to spend reading about exactly how deep and hard his cock is pounding her into the bed before I start yawning.
6) Writing smut is sexy and exciting, but if you write like some pre-pubescent Sue-ficcer, not only am I gonna be totally turned off, but I'm also gonna bust a gut laughing. To this day, I still have no idea why your guy was trying to stick his fingers up some guy's gnus. To be honest, I really didn't want to know anyway. After you write your fic, got to sleep, then re-read your fic the next day before you post it. I guarantee there will be at least 2 things that you want to change.
7) Don't go overboard with your thesaurus. Expanding your vocabulary is awesome and I fully encourage it... but make sure you spell the words right and that you understand the meaning of the words that you've typed. Reading about how your character is "urethral like an angel" makes me laugh so damn hard, but it also really dulls the sexy. And smut is all about the sexy.
And there you have it.
I'm going to go curl up into a ball and try not to think for the next five million years. Augh, my brain.
Ugh. I'm trying to write porn, and it's not flowing. That tends to happen when the other half of your brain's been focussing on ghrelin and fish innards. Eww.
So, being a retard, I decide to try surfing the net for inspiration. And where better to go than the aptly named 'AdultFanFiction.net?' I mean seriously, you'd think that with the sheer amount of porn there is there, there'd have to be some sort of happy mix of "Okay, a little rough, but still sexy" and "OMG, HAWT", right?
WRONG. SO GODDAMN WRONG.
I ended up spending an hour just poking through and going "WD-40 isn't meant for human use..." and "um, you're joking, right?". Unfortunately, my tolerance for bad fic is low, and my tolerance for bad porn is even lower, so things soon went to the "What the- BOOBS THAT SIZE WOULD TEAR OFF FROM HER BODY THE MOMENT SHE SAT UP." and "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, ADJECTIVES DON'T WORK THAT WAY AND NEITHER DOES COCK."
And then I cried. A lot.
In short, AFF IS MY ANTI-SEX. IT IS THE LIBIDO KILLER.
*headdesk*
Honestly, does no one know how to write smut anymore? It's not like it's all that difficult! Okay, not everyone's got a knack for writing the really hot smut. I, for example, have lots of work to do...
BUT THAT DOESN'T EXCUSE YOU FOR WRITING SMUT THAT'S THAT GODDAMN AWFUL.
I mean, if follow a couple of very simple rules, you can write some fairly unoffensive, sorta sexy, and, most importantly, realistic fic.
Toast's rules for writing good decent SMUT THAT WILL NOT MAKE PEOPLE PUKE:
1) a) It's been said before, and it'll be said again, but. LUBE. LUBE IS YOUR GOD. YOU WILL USE IT. Let me explain: when two surfaces rub against each other, friction is created. If these two surfaces are, say, a penis and an internal passage of some sort, this makes for friction burns and tearing. THAT IS NOT SEXY.
b) EVEN HET COOUPLES USE LUBE. Contrary to popular belief, women don't immediately start dripping on command. Unless you've got a lot of foreplay in there, heck, even if you've got a lot of foreplay in there, there's still the distinct possibility of dryness. Which means that you need lubrication, or someone (perhaps even both parties) are gonna be hurting.
c) Machine oil does not work as lube. Neither does honey. Or hand lotion. Or blood. Seriously people, KY Jelly works really well and it's sexy! I promise! If you must experiment, though, get some of said lube substance (eg: hand lotion) and put a little in your hands. Rub you palms together quickly. If you start to feel heat, that means that it wouldn't work as lube.
d) TOXIC SUBSTANCES DON'T WORK AS LUBE. This point deserves its own line because IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT. RAR.
2)a) CONDOMS! Unless your characters are in a consensual long-term relationship or seriously drunk off their asses, or both, they're probably gonna want to prevent the making of babies and the passing of STDs. I realize that protection doesn't sound very sexy to write about but... seriously. Be a little realistic here.
b) Condoms can be sexy! There's flavoured ones, ribbed ones, and all sorts of other fun ones. Plus, most of 'em are pre-lubed, so you don't need to worry as much about where they're gonna pull the lube from!
3) Keep track of where tongues and limbs and body parts in general are. Please? Otherwise you have the unfortunate situation where, somehow, your guy is simultaneously giving head and kissing his partner's mouth at the same time. In case you haven't noticed, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.
4) SEX IS MESSY. Period. Please keep in mind that there is going to be spit and sweat and cum and other various bodily fluid splattered all over the characters and, quite probably, their surroundings. If there aren't then SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG.
5) Figure out how descriptive you want to be. If you're a little squeamish, that's okay, but don't spend half a paragraph describing the foreplay and then write two frikkin' pages aboutn penetration. There is only so much time that I am willing to spend reading about exactly how deep and hard his cock is pounding her into the bed before I start yawning.
6) Writing smut is sexy and exciting, but if you write like some pre-pubescent Sue-ficcer, not only am I gonna be totally turned off, but I'm also gonna bust a gut laughing. To this day, I still have no idea why your guy was trying to stick his fingers up some guy's gnus. To be honest, I really didn't want to know anyway. After you write your fic, got to sleep, then re-read your fic the next day before you post it. I guarantee there will be at least 2 things that you want to change.
7) Don't go overboard with your thesaurus. Expanding your vocabulary is awesome and I fully encourage it... but make sure you spell the words right and that you understand the meaning of the words that you've typed. Reading about how your character is "urethral like an angel" makes me laugh so damn hard, but it also really dulls the sexy. And smut is all about the sexy.
And there you have it.
I'm going to go curl up into a ball and try not to think for the next five million years. Augh, my brain.