(no subject)
Damn. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. I've known that for a while, and I've regretted them as a whole. But you know..most of the mistakes were actually pretty understandable. I was young, full of myself because I was always so much smarter than everyone else at school until LSMSA, I was unused to dealing with people because I tended to stay away from them as much as possible...and I was pretty damned stupid most of the time.
None of those mistakes are truly worthy of regret. Humor and scorn, and mirthful reminiscence, yes, most definitely. But regret? No. I can, however, think of one mistake that I've made truly worthy of regret, and I do regret it. But I'm also glad that I made it, because now I can look back in life and realize what I did, and not do it again. And I know what it's like to be in such a position, and experience is always a good thing, though not always pleasant.
That mistake, of course, is related to Crystal (what isn't for me? heh) but not in the way I thought before. No, I used to think it was simply the fact that I fell for her, and then acted upon it that was my mistake, or that I didn't see any warning signs before the end. No...those were not mistakes. The first was me being myself, and trying to do something for myself. The second was due to a mixture of things...mostly the fact that I don't have much experience when it comes to people, and none at all when it comes to relationships.
No, that mistake that I've realized that I regret, and that I will likely regret for most of my life, was actually very short lived...about three days. And it wasn't even what I did that was the mistake, but the rationalization behind it. I realized recently, you see, that I stalked her. In my mind, it was because I "had to talk" to her, or "if I could just see her one more time" that drove me on to drive past her dorm, her usual route to work, to call her on her work line in an attempt to get her to talk to me. Thankfully it was, as I said, very short lived, and I might attempt to make excuses by way of the state I was in. But nothing excuses someone from something like that, and it is the fact that I did not recognize what I was doing that I regret.
That mindless attempt to make contact...it constantly reminded me of what I had lost, kept me from being able to see past anything but the pain. But it also kept me going..the faint hope of actually being able to talk to or see her, make things work, even though I think I've always known that it would never happen like that. And now I know that even if something like that COULD happen, I wouldn't want it to. Or, more accurately, SHOULDN'T want it to. Something tells me I'll always have a weakness when it comes to that girl, and the same something tells me that it's a weakness I need to stay away from. It's not a romantic thing. It's not a scary thing, at least not any more..and really never was - I truly never wanted to hurt her, and I doubt I'd be capable of harming her...I just wanted to see her again, didn't want what was already over to end - it's just something that is. I don't get to know many people. And of those people that I know, I don't let many get close. And of even that small number of people I call friends, I don't trust them until I've known them for some time...but it was different with her, for whatever reason. I have my ideas why, but I don't think I need to go into those, except to say that I do think, in another world much like our own...we would have been a very good thing.
The odd thing about regret...you feel a little better when you realize, I've found. I regret what happened...but not so that I wish it hadn't happened. As I said, I'm glad it did, because while it was horrible to go through all that, it was something I think I needed. It helped me grow up, really, in a fundamental way. I just regret that I put her through that, even after knowing what I do about her past.
If anyone actually read all that, well, I apologize. But I DID cut it, so fair warning, eh? Just something I thought needed to be put out for me to read, not in the future because that's not my way, but in the now, so that I can see just how much I really have changed in the last few years. And that the change is far from finished.
I feel a lot older than I am these days. But now..I feel a little more at home with myself.