Affectionately longing for...
This past week has been a real test of faith and will. Nothing went right. Any ground I had to stand on is slowly crumbling beneath me. I fel like there is a brick wall put up before me and I can't cross it. I was on the verge of tears more than once in this last week. It all started on monday when I got a D on my keyboarding midterm. I guess I'm just not progressing as much as I should, luckily I et to take it over. BUt then...I FAILED my ear training midterm. I can't believe it. I hung my head in complete shame and digust of myself. I don't know what is wrong with me. My teacher gave me the option to withdraw from the class because I'm failing. I'm a singer god damnit. I can do this. I know my shit. And I am fully fucking capable of doing this but for some reason I choke. It's disgusting. I had to sit there and listen to myself fall apart at the sight of every single note, every beat, every pulse, every pitch. It makes me sick. I love music. It is the only thing on this infected planet that makes me smile. It's all I have and if I can't succeed at my dream and my passion then what do I have to live for. I feel like I failed myself. HOw can god do this to me. I thought I had a gift. What is this for? What good can come of this? After careful thinking I came to a conclusion. I've been asking god for strength all this time. Asking him for guidance and motivation. I think maybe he is showing me all the motivation I need. If I don't do what I need to do, then I will fail. I can fail. A gift is worth nothing without the work to reinforce it. But there are still questions unanswered.
I feel like I am being punished. Picked on, if you would. God is telling me soemthing. Last night I had a wonderful night planned out. I was gonna go out to boston and go out to eat with a girl from class and then go hang out with some kids in chinatown. Simple right? WRONG.
I'm running a half hour late because I LOST MY ATM CARD. So I borrow my mothers. Cool right? WRONG. I get to boston with 7 bucks on me. I owe the parking guy 10. I go to an atm machine and my card is rejected. I go to another. REJECTED. I have no money. SO this girl... I call her to let her know I'm here...woops she gave me the wrong number and I don't know where she lives. I'm laughing at myself in a non mentally stable way at this point. It all worked out though.
I just can't help but see that this is the hardest times in my life I've had to deal with. I'm broke, my car is falling apart, I got 2 parking tickets in the last week. I'm doing shitty in school, and my parents are moving, and I'm moving too, and little things like losing my atm card, and my glasses, almost getting pulled over while under the influence (not a smart thing to do, ill never do it again) I just feel mentally drained.
And on top of it all, I feel lonely. I find myself longing for a sweet affection hug. Someone to hold me. Longing for the special someone who makes my fears go away. To make me feel whole again. AS strong as I am, never as strong without you. That someone out there waiting for me too
I feel like I am being punished. Picked on, if you would. God is telling me soemthing. Last night I had a wonderful night planned out. I was gonna go out to boston and go out to eat with a girl from class and then go hang out with some kids in chinatown. Simple right? WRONG.
I'm running a half hour late because I LOST MY ATM CARD. So I borrow my mothers. Cool right? WRONG. I get to boston with 7 bucks on me. I owe the parking guy 10. I go to an atm machine and my card is rejected. I go to another. REJECTED. I have no money. SO this girl... I call her to let her know I'm here...woops she gave me the wrong number and I don't know where she lives. I'm laughing at myself in a non mentally stable way at this point. It all worked out though.
I just can't help but see that this is the hardest times in my life I've had to deal with. I'm broke, my car is falling apart, I got 2 parking tickets in the last week. I'm doing shitty in school, and my parents are moving, and I'm moving too, and little things like losing my atm card, and my glasses, almost getting pulled over while under the influence (not a smart thing to do, ill never do it again) I just feel mentally drained.
And on top of it all, I feel lonely. I find myself longing for a sweet affection hug. Someone to hold me. Longing for the special someone who makes my fears go away. To make me feel whole again. AS strong as I am, never as strong without you. That someone out there waiting for me too