Fighting With Demons..
so in short form...this weekend hasn't been necessarily the best or the worst...but clearly, it's been very much up n down mainly in moodswings which is never a plus for me..
To think that i'd be in the best state of mind at this point in my life, should be the obvious thing...but for some reason...there's still stuff that holds me down from truely enduring my true state of happiness and to be comfortable with everything that is going on in my life.
I hate having mood swings like i have today because it gives others the wrong impression...as if it was something they did to upset me which isn't it...but there's just some inner demons i'm struggling with and my mood can change at the drop of a hat alot of the time which is how it went today.
Waking up today...i was tired as i had figured i would be and was waiting for my girlfriend to get over here so we could go out and run our errands and go out to eat with our friend Tony.
So i was doing fairly decent until sitting it out for awhile and my mood just oddly swerved and i was staring at the ceiling and just pondering on all kinds of various things...and nothing specifically that i could really pinpoint as to why i felt unusually all of a sudden but i got quiet after that and once we dropped Tony, i was quiet most of the drive to her work until she asked what was wrong...and even then, i wasn't sure, because so much was clouding my mind and i didn't even have any specific reason that i could understand why i was unhappy and just seemingly upset.
I came to terms with the reality that it had something to do with me missing her and realizing very shortly that she was going to be at work and i was going to be away from her until later tonite and i just wasn't happy with settling down with it...and i know it's a part of life and we all have to work but i just hate being away from her...esp when i get a day off sporatically like it was today and i couldn't even spend it with her fully like i always want to but i had to do something else in the meantime until she was off work.
Fortunate for me, i was able to go out and get her some more warm clothes because the heat has been off at their work for almost a week now and it's not really a good situation considering that she has a history of having pnemonia and it wouldn't take much for her to come down with it again and all she had on was her day shirt and her work shirt jeans etc. but she felt she'd get sick for sure since she had no hoodie so i ran home to get mine and let her wear it, and i went to her house to get the other hoodie she had which was mine that i gave to her back last year when we first dated and then i let her use my mom's scarf and an extra pair of socks.
I came back with the stuff and she bundled up and i ended up staying there from like 3ish til almost 6 just talking and keeping her company and then once her friend carly came in, i left n instantly became frustrated that i was apart from her...my expression turned cold..my smile was gone and my bitter/angry/evil scowl had come on as i was driving away after i left Kohls and i was throughly unhappy because i had to go home and wait til she was off work...i had every bit of hate and bitterness clouding my very soul...i planned to go home and sit in the dark...to waste the time until i had to go back up there to pick her up...
I'm currently in the dark now and just grovelling in my thoughts...trying to make sense of it all...and obviously still missing her, feeling mixed emotions...of guilt...frustration...sadness...loneliness...anger...and with it all bottling up at once...it's hard for me to fight it...being happy seems damn near impossible...and although she can make me smile for that moment...just takes a little bit more time for it to be pissed away again...my body doesn't allow or maybe it's my mind...to have me hold a smile very long sometimes...and it's deceiving because alot of it revolves around me missing my girlfriend..and my heart aches when she's away...i wish i never had to leave her side...my love for her is so pure and so powerful...that it affects me to this degree...where it makes me unstable...unhappy...and discontent with regular life because unless she's at my side...i'm not whole-heartedly happy.
And on another rant...things that have also been frustrating and pissing me off...lack of communication within friends...
What do i mean by that? well let's see...the big thing is when i take my valued time...and i send a TEXT message in my phone...whether it's to my whole contact list or just a choice few people...and not even half of those people care to respond at all...it's like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
Are you guys like LITERALLY...that lazy or inconsiderate cruel human beings...that u can't type back a simple message? Even if it is mass texts...i know alot of people feel disrespected because it's not directly to them...but it can't hurt to respond and at least initiate conversation...wouldn't u think?
I sometimes hate the fact that i have such a big heart...because so many people are quick to take a right cross to it and make it hurt and i do SO much for people...whether i pay for them for things...whether i burn all my well earned money on gas to take them from place to place...whether i invite them to so many events that i set up...and i don't get any consideration of an answer...yes or no...answering a text...anything...and it's like, can u honestly be THAT BUSY? i absolutely fucking doubt it...i wish people wouldn't be so damn fake...i'm as real as you will get...as straight forward as a fucking arrow...and yet, when i do something as simple as texting to get people to talk, u just turn ur nose up and ignore me.
Fucking pitiful...i tell ya...so i will forewarn u all..don't be surprised if u don't hear from me that much anymore...because ur showing ur true colors by not texting me at all. I'm just gonna save myself the waste of my time and effort...and not text everyone anymore...only choice few...those i feel i can count on...that will ACTUALLY want to talk to me...
This week will be interesting to say the least...i work 7-4 tomorrow...off tuesday...work 7-4 wednesday thru sunday...so i don't work til 11 at all this week...which can be taken as good and bad...i'll be fuckin exhausted...but at least i can have some semblance of a life afterward.
Leave some comments..at least make me feel like i'm not just writing for myself.
Later.
To think that i'd be in the best state of mind at this point in my life, should be the obvious thing...but for some reason...there's still stuff that holds me down from truely enduring my true state of happiness and to be comfortable with everything that is going on in my life.
I hate having mood swings like i have today because it gives others the wrong impression...as if it was something they did to upset me which isn't it...but there's just some inner demons i'm struggling with and my mood can change at the drop of a hat alot of the time which is how it went today.
Waking up today...i was tired as i had figured i would be and was waiting for my girlfriend to get over here so we could go out and run our errands and go out to eat with our friend Tony.
So i was doing fairly decent until sitting it out for awhile and my mood just oddly swerved and i was staring at the ceiling and just pondering on all kinds of various things...and nothing specifically that i could really pinpoint as to why i felt unusually all of a sudden but i got quiet after that and once we dropped Tony, i was quiet most of the drive to her work until she asked what was wrong...and even then, i wasn't sure, because so much was clouding my mind and i didn't even have any specific reason that i could understand why i was unhappy and just seemingly upset.
I came to terms with the reality that it had something to do with me missing her and realizing very shortly that she was going to be at work and i was going to be away from her until later tonite and i just wasn't happy with settling down with it...and i know it's a part of life and we all have to work but i just hate being away from her...esp when i get a day off sporatically like it was today and i couldn't even spend it with her fully like i always want to but i had to do something else in the meantime until she was off work.
Fortunate for me, i was able to go out and get her some more warm clothes because the heat has been off at their work for almost a week now and it's not really a good situation considering that she has a history of having pnemonia and it wouldn't take much for her to come down with it again and all she had on was her day shirt and her work shirt jeans etc. but she felt she'd get sick for sure since she had no hoodie so i ran home to get mine and let her wear it, and i went to her house to get the other hoodie she had which was mine that i gave to her back last year when we first dated and then i let her use my mom's scarf and an extra pair of socks.
I came back with the stuff and she bundled up and i ended up staying there from like 3ish til almost 6 just talking and keeping her company and then once her friend carly came in, i left n instantly became frustrated that i was apart from her...my expression turned cold..my smile was gone and my bitter/angry/evil scowl had come on as i was driving away after i left Kohls and i was throughly unhappy because i had to go home and wait til she was off work...i had every bit of hate and bitterness clouding my very soul...i planned to go home and sit in the dark...to waste the time until i had to go back up there to pick her up...
I'm currently in the dark now and just grovelling in my thoughts...trying to make sense of it all...and obviously still missing her, feeling mixed emotions...of guilt...frustration...sadness...loneliness...anger...and with it all bottling up at once...it's hard for me to fight it...being happy seems damn near impossible...and although she can make me smile for that moment...just takes a little bit more time for it to be pissed away again...my body doesn't allow or maybe it's my mind...to have me hold a smile very long sometimes...and it's deceiving because alot of it revolves around me missing my girlfriend..and my heart aches when she's away...i wish i never had to leave her side...my love for her is so pure and so powerful...that it affects me to this degree...where it makes me unstable...unhappy...and discontent with regular life because unless she's at my side...i'm not whole-heartedly happy.
And on another rant...things that have also been frustrating and pissing me off...lack of communication within friends...
What do i mean by that? well let's see...the big thing is when i take my valued time...and i send a TEXT message in my phone...whether it's to my whole contact list or just a choice few people...and not even half of those people care to respond at all...it's like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
Are you guys like LITERALLY...that lazy or inconsiderate cruel human beings...that u can't type back a simple message? Even if it is mass texts...i know alot of people feel disrespected because it's not directly to them...but it can't hurt to respond and at least initiate conversation...wouldn't u think?
I sometimes hate the fact that i have such a big heart...because so many people are quick to take a right cross to it and make it hurt and i do SO much for people...whether i pay for them for things...whether i burn all my well earned money on gas to take them from place to place...whether i invite them to so many events that i set up...and i don't get any consideration of an answer...yes or no...answering a text...anything...and it's like, can u honestly be THAT BUSY? i absolutely fucking doubt it...i wish people wouldn't be so damn fake...i'm as real as you will get...as straight forward as a fucking arrow...and yet, when i do something as simple as texting to get people to talk, u just turn ur nose up and ignore me.
Fucking pitiful...i tell ya...so i will forewarn u all..don't be surprised if u don't hear from me that much anymore...because ur showing ur true colors by not texting me at all. I'm just gonna save myself the waste of my time and effort...and not text everyone anymore...only choice few...those i feel i can count on...that will ACTUALLY want to talk to me...
This week will be interesting to say the least...i work 7-4 tomorrow...off tuesday...work 7-4 wednesday thru sunday...so i don't work til 11 at all this week...which can be taken as good and bad...i'll be fuckin exhausted...but at least i can have some semblance of a life afterward.
Leave some comments..at least make me feel like i'm not just writing for myself.
Later.