just when i think i'm ok...
something happens to change it all. i'm not sure what i'm feeling right now. it's a little bit of so many things that i just don't even know where to begin. i have spent the last 11 years trying to come to terms with the fact that my mother and older sister were not going to be a part of my life. i tried dealing with it on my own and it worked for a while. i came to terms with not being able to handle it on my own after a while so i went to therapy. i got to the point where i was finally able to put it behind me and live my life the only way i could...without them.
i mean...11 years is a long time. i have changed so much that sometimes i'm amazed. they don't even know who i am. they don't know the person that i've become, they don't know how i live, what i've gone through, etc. it's taken me a long time to accomplish the things that i have and i'm proud of the person i turned out to be. it's been hard not being able to pick up the phone (not that i had their number) and say "hey mom, you'll never believe what just happened" or "hey, jeannie (my sister) the funniest thing happened today." i haven't had that kind of relationship with them in ELEVEN years! i mean, i'm sure i'm not the only person in the world who's family shut them out once they came out but there are a lot of people who get to keep their family in their lives. god, how i envy them.
right before the holidays my sister managed to get my number and call me. we played phone tag for a while. i just started my new job so things have been really hectic this past month and i just have not had the time to call her. she's been really persistent the past couple weeks...not with calling me but with asking my cousin (my best friend) to ask me to please call her. again, i just havent had the time. today my cousin asked me to call her at work and said it was important. i called, and she stresses how i should call my sister and says that something must be up because my sister has never been so persistent before. me being my mother's daughter puts two and two together and asks what she knows. she denies knowing anything and i argue knowing my cousin too well. she finally folds and says "i'm not supposed to tell you anything and you have to swear to me that you won't let them know that you know. they will never tell me anything again if they find out that i told you but i just can't live with me hiding this from you." i stay silent and wait for the news and she says "your mom has cancer. it's bad ev and i really think that you need to call your sister because if something happens i know you won't be able to forgive yourself."
i have been a mess since that conversation. yes, i called my sister but of course she didn't answer. i can't even begin to explain what i'm feeling right now. i'm so many things and i'm far from being ok. i'm really angry...for so many reasons. i'm hurt. i'm even numb to a certain degree. what am i supposed to do with this? 11 years and my sister tells me now? they've known for a while. now that it's bad she wants to let me know? why? why not tell me from the beginning because if it is bad then i'm not going to have a lot of time. 11 years is a really long time, a lot of things happen and i'm going to have what...a couple months with her? if even that long. it's not fair...it's not fair that she got to decide when to tell me. it's not fair that she's known from the beginning and i'm just now finding out. it's not fair that when i wanted to reconcile they dismissed it like nothing, like it didn't matter and now that i've finally gotten to the point that i'm ok with it all NOW they want to give me the time of day. i'm so not ok right now and i don't know what i'm supposed to do. yes, she's my mother and yes i have and always will love her more than she'll ever know but i don't have anything left. i really don't. it's taken so much strength to get to where i am. i can't handle this. i don't know how to not be angry. i don't know how not to be hurt. i don't know how to not want to be by her side every second of the day but we are total strangers now. i'm at a complete loss right now. i don't know what to feel. i can't stop crying. i can't help be angry and upset. i'm just at a total loss right now and i had to get it out so here i am.
i mean...11 years is a long time. i have changed so much that sometimes i'm amazed. they don't even know who i am. they don't know the person that i've become, they don't know how i live, what i've gone through, etc. it's taken me a long time to accomplish the things that i have and i'm proud of the person i turned out to be. it's been hard not being able to pick up the phone (not that i had their number) and say "hey mom, you'll never believe what just happened" or "hey, jeannie (my sister) the funniest thing happened today." i haven't had that kind of relationship with them in ELEVEN years! i mean, i'm sure i'm not the only person in the world who's family shut them out once they came out but there are a lot of people who get to keep their family in their lives. god, how i envy them.
right before the holidays my sister managed to get my number and call me. we played phone tag for a while. i just started my new job so things have been really hectic this past month and i just have not had the time to call her. she's been really persistent the past couple weeks...not with calling me but with asking my cousin (my best friend) to ask me to please call her. again, i just havent had the time. today my cousin asked me to call her at work and said it was important. i called, and she stresses how i should call my sister and says that something must be up because my sister has never been so persistent before. me being my mother's daughter puts two and two together and asks what she knows. she denies knowing anything and i argue knowing my cousin too well. she finally folds and says "i'm not supposed to tell you anything and you have to swear to me that you won't let them know that you know. they will never tell me anything again if they find out that i told you but i just can't live with me hiding this from you." i stay silent and wait for the news and she says "your mom has cancer. it's bad ev and i really think that you need to call your sister because if something happens i know you won't be able to forgive yourself."
i have been a mess since that conversation. yes, i called my sister but of course she didn't answer. i can't even begin to explain what i'm feeling right now. i'm so many things and i'm far from being ok. i'm really angry...for so many reasons. i'm hurt. i'm even numb to a certain degree. what am i supposed to do with this? 11 years and my sister tells me now? they've known for a while. now that it's bad she wants to let me know? why? why not tell me from the beginning because if it is bad then i'm not going to have a lot of time. 11 years is a really long time, a lot of things happen and i'm going to have what...a couple months with her? if even that long. it's not fair...it's not fair that she got to decide when to tell me. it's not fair that she's known from the beginning and i'm just now finding out. it's not fair that when i wanted to reconcile they dismissed it like nothing, like it didn't matter and now that i've finally gotten to the point that i'm ok with it all NOW they want to give me the time of day. i'm so not ok right now and i don't know what i'm supposed to do. yes, she's my mother and yes i have and always will love her more than she'll ever know but i don't have anything left. i really don't. it's taken so much strength to get to where i am. i can't handle this. i don't know how to not be angry. i don't know how not to be hurt. i don't know how to not want to be by her side every second of the day but we are total strangers now. i'm at a complete loss right now. i don't know what to feel. i can't stop crying. i can't help be angry and upset. i'm just at a total loss right now and i had to get it out so here i am.