Oistros by airgiodslv, commentary by formerlydf, 2/2
Title: Oistros
Author: airgiodslv
Fandom: Bandom
Commentator: formerlydf
Brendon’s sitting on Spencer’s bed, which would be weird except that Brendon’s bed is probably covered in spunk and lube and stale sweat, so Spencer can understand why he came in here instead. Brendon’s room probably doesn’t feel much like a haven at the moment, considering.
This paragraph always hits me, kind of like that little mention in the first part about Spencer's first go-through with Ryan's crazy hormones. Here, we get a bit more of a sense of what's going on in Brendon's world. We never explicitly make our way into Brendon's head and his and Ryan's relationship during this fic, which I think makes the little glimpses we see through Spencer all the more powerful. (Also, it's a nice contrast; I like seeing this crazy, over-the-top situation through Spencer's reserve, but that's a ramble for another time.) This is just another thing that reminds me that, hey, Brendon's kind of feeling really fucked up right now, despite his resilient nature.
“I knew it was yours,” Brendon says when he comes in. “Brent would never make his bed.”
Spencer sits down, close enough that he thinks Brendon might scoot away, but he doesn’t. He thinks Brendon might have been crying, from the red under his eyes, but it’s hard to tell. He looks exhausted.
“It’s just really hard for him,” Spencer says quietly. “The album, and the band, and the way he is right now. He hates being out of control.”
*coughs* Ryan's not the only one.
Brendon wipes roughly at his eyes with the back of his wrist, which pretty much confirms Spencer’s suspicion about the crying. “I know,” he says. “I’m not mad at him.”
Spencer plays with a loose thread on the blanket while he mulls over what to say. “You could be,” he decides finally. “He’s being a dick.”
This also feels kind of important to me. I don't think Spencer would just offer that kind of comment to anyone on the outside, if that makes sense. He starts out apologizing for Ryan, because that's what he does, he smoothes over Ryan's turbulence, but he doesn't necessarily need to do that this time. He's letting Brendon in by admitting that he thinks Ryan is being a dick.
Brendon’s quiet for a minute, and then he starts laughing softly, tipping sideways to hide his face against Spencer’s shoulder. Spencer pats him awkwardly and lets him laugh-cry himself out, and offers a tissue when it seems like he’s finally done.
I love that awkwardly. They're still teenage boys, after all. Teenage boys who, admittedly, have been forced to mature beyond their years, but still know nothing about dealing with feelings. And it's definitely a laugh-cry sort of situation.
“Ready?” Spencer asks when Brendon finishes blowing his nose. It’s still obvious that he’s been crying, but he seems more energized now, and considerably more calm.
Brendon squares his shoulders and slam-dunks the tissue into the waste basket. “Let’s do it.”
-
It’s past midnight when the door to Ryan’s room opens and he comes out, still tugging a shirt on while he listens, phone pressed to his ear. “No, it’s going really well,” he says, giving Spencer a quick nod of acknowledgement on his way out the front door.
Brendon wanders out a few minutes later, wearing pajama pants and the summer camp t-shirt. He curls up on the couch, tucking his bare toes under the cushion, and leans in against Spencer’s side. Brendon is warm and can barely keep his eyes open, so Spencer allows it.
Hah. Right, Spencer. That's definitely the only reason why you're letting Brendon use you as a pillow.
“You should be sleeping,” he says, quietly because Brent’s in his room on the phone again and the silence around them feels too good to disturb.
Brendon makes a noncommittal noise, huffed into the fabric of Spencer’s shirt. “He’ll only wake me up again,” he says, but the fatalistic tone is completely ruined by the jaw-popping yawn that follows it.
Brendon the would-be drama queen. I love it.
“I told you,” Spencer says, half-smiling because Brendon isn’t wearing his glasses and his hair is a total mess, and he’s nuzzling into Spencer’s arm kind of like an overgrown kitten.
Brendon makes another noise, a little “hmm” that probably means he’s just too tired to talk, and Spencer shifts enough that Brendon can lean up against him properly without getting a crick in his neck. He rubs Brendon’s back absently, watching the television on mute and feeling Brendon go gradually boneless.
He thinks Brendon’s fallen asleep, so it’s a surprise when he hears, “I wish…”
Spencer goes still, only partly from surprise. He turns his head, and Brendon is looking at him, eyes only half-open but fixed on his mouth before he looks up and then down and away. “What?” Spencer asks, and it’s a shock how hard his heart is pounding against his ribcage, beating loud in his ears.
Brendon closes his eyes and shakes his head, nestling back down against Spencer’s shoulder. “Nothing.”
Oh, man. *shivers* This scene, okay. This is another one of my absolute-beyond-absolute favorites. We're lulled into this calm, and then, like Spencer, we hear Brendon and have to readjust, to get our minds on track, to lean in closer to the screen as if that's going to let us see Brendon's face as he says, "Nothing."
That's how it works for me, anyway. And throughout this all, we've been getting the sense of Spencer's feelings for Brendon - obscured, yes, but still winding underneath everything. And now we have this hint that Brendon feels the same, but there are no confessions tonight; it's the wrong place, wrong time. Not yet. Just feeling all those wishes that haven't been put into words, though...
-
The door creaks open twenty minutes later, and this time Brendon’s definitely asleep, because there’s a damp spot where he’s drooling on Spencer’s shirt.
Spencer sees the possessive jealousy flash in Ryan’s eyes before he clamps down on it, and then he just looks worn-out. Spencer cocks his head a little, an invitation for Ryan to join them, but he just shakes his head.
“He was trying to wait up for you,” Spencer says softly, trying not to disturb Brendon before he has to. “He just didn’t make it.”
Ryan’s expression is amused for a half-second, before the lust starts creeping back in around the edges, focused and desperate. Spencer is already reaching to wake Brendon up when Ryan shakes his head again.
“Let him sleep,” he says, barely loud enough for Spencer to hear. “He needs it.”
Spencer checks the clock, does the math, and frowns. “You’ll never make it,” he says flatly, because if Brendon sleeps through ‘til morning, that means at least six or seven hours of Ryan going crazy locked inside his hormone-crazed body without any form of relief.
Ryan’s smile looks more like a grimace, but he still makes the effort. “I made it last time,” he says, and Spencer bites back his argument that last time was completely different, last time he didn’t have the person he needed fifteen feet away and available, because it’s Ryan’s choice and he looks determined to make the sacrifice.
The way Spencer thinks about Brendon here - fifteen feet away and available - makes it sound like he doesn't have any will of his own, but, well. In a sense, he doesn't, since when he agreed to go into this thing he kind of volunteered complete control of his body over to Ryan. Except for the things that might be too painful for him, but that's not the point here.
I like seeing Ryan's possessiveness, and then his determined self-control. "Sacrifice" really is the perfect word, since it's going to be pretty damn painful; then again, it actually fits the entire story. Brendon sacrifices his body; Spencer sacrifices Brendon; Ryan sacrifices his control, except when he sacrifices satisfaction in order to keep control.
“I’ll send him in if he wakes up,” Spencer offers, the best compromise he can come up with, and Ryan nods.
“Sleep well,” he says as he turns to go, and Spencer calls softly after him, “You, too.”
-
Spencer wakes up in the morning with the worst kink in his neck he’s possibly ever had, and Brendon draped over him like a skinny, gangly human blanket. He realizes that what woke him was the clatter of a dish breaking, and opens his eyes to see Ryan motioning frantically with his hands for Spencer not to get up.
“It’s fine, I just, sorry, fuck,” Ryan says, and his hands are shaking when they pick up the pieces of the bowl.
Ryan's shaking hands always define this scene for me. I can almost imagine what happened just prior to Spencer waking up - Ryan, still trying desperately to control himself, even with Brendon lying just a few feet away, looking so tempting. He can get his lust under the vaguest semblance of control, but the tighter he grasps the reins, the more his body refuses to calm down. He might not even know what he's doing with a dish, but his hands won't stop shaking, his body twitching, and then it just vibrates out of his hands and down onto the floor.
I'm not going to put any more commentary in this scene until the end, just because I feel that would do a disservice to the amazing tension inherent in it.
Spencer blinks fully awake, and a second later Brendon’s sleep-gravelly voice says, “Ross?”
“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Ryan mumbles, hair hiding his face, and Brendon’s weight disappears, so Spencer gets up to help Ryan clean up, catching his hands before he can cut himself on the shards.
“Stop it,” Spencer grumps, pushing Ryan’s hands back for the third time. “I’ll get it.”
“Stop being so bitchy,” Ryan snaps, coiled tight and lashing out.
“Of course I’m bitchy, it’s five fucking AM,” Spencer retorts, and Ryan inhales to reply before huffing out a defeated breath and saying, “Yeah, sorry.”
“Hey,” Brendon says behind them, and they both twist around at the same time to look at him. He’s still totally mussed and barely upright, pink creases along his neck and cheek from the wrinkles in Spencer’s shirt, still sleep-lethargic but definitely awake. Spencer’s stomach drops a little, and he thinks he gets it now, why Ryan chose Brendon.
Ryan doesn’t move, vibrating in place like he’s afraid of what he’ll do if he doesn’t hold himself back. Brendon holds out an arm, clearing more gravel from his throat before saying again, “Ross. Hey.”
Ryan inhales, swiftly through his nose, and then he moves so fast it might count as a tackle, if Ryan could ever be considered athletic enough to do things like tackle people. Brendon’s breath leaves him in a rush, but he’s chuckling, low in his throat the way he always is in the mornings. Spencer looks away and finishes cleaning up the bowl.
There's so much in this scene that I can hardly comprehend it. It's one of the central scenes for me, not because anything particularly important happens, but because of the exact opposite. All the threads of the entire story are running directly underneath this scene, twisting and tangling into this knot that we can't see, but that we knows is there nonetheless.
Spencer and Ryan's snippiness, the little drop in Spencer's stomach (there you go, Spencer, and that's about as much of a confession as we're going to get), Ryan's restraint leading to his tackle. And then Spencer looks away -
*sighs*
-
Ryan and Brendon disappear for the next few hours, and Spencer thinks about going back to sleep but decides against it. Brent is probably snoring up a storm, and now that Spencer’s awake, he’s hungry. He might as well eat breakfast.
Spencer's being practical again. Gee, what a surprise. There's also really a sense of how alone Spencer is - Ryan, his best friend, and Brendon, the boy he kinda-maybe-sorta likes, are off together, and Brent is both sleeping and not really in their circle. The paragraph below mentions that he's up for a few hours before he gets his headphones. Hours. That's a lot of time spent alone.
It would be really easy for him to break down right now, to expose at least some of the feelings that have to be clamoring around in his brain right now, but instead he's measured and controlled and rational. *sighs*
He goes to get his headphones from the bedroom a few hours later, and hears low murmurs coming from the other bedroom. It doesn’t sound like sex, but when he pauses to listen, he hears Brendon laugh and say, “Forget it, your ass privileges are revoked until further notice,” so at least they seem to be holding up okay, in spite of everything.
Ass privileges, okay. That will never not be funny. Also, I like that there's some lightness in this thing between Brendon and Ryan. It feels... very Brendon.
Brent comes out half an hour later and says, “Brendon and Ryan are doing it again,” and Spencer bites his tongue and pretends he didn’t hear. He’s doing a crossword, which sucks without Ryan because Ryan’s the word guy, and Spencer never does as well by himself. He’s fighting the urge to go knock on the door and ask Ryan about forty-six across.
See? Even when Brent is here, Spencer is kind of bereft and alone. I do like the way Brent is worked into this story.
Brendon wanders out half an hour later and eats everything left on the table, and when Ryan comes out he wordlessly offers up what’s left of the last banana. Ryan says, “Gee, thanks,” and Brendon grins up at him. Brent makes a face like he’s just swallowed a lemon.
See? Humor! Awesome! Also, any vaguely suggestive humor involving bananas counts as a win in my book. And then Brent, and yet another moment of dissonance.
When Brent leaves the room, Spencer says casually, “You might want to try dialing it back a few notches.”
Ryan is half-leaning into Brendon, and he starts to straighten up, but Brendon shakes his head, arm tightening around Ryan’s shoulders, and says, “This works better.”
Ryan looks a lot more relaxed, and Spencer’s not about to argue with that, so he shuts up and lets them do it their way. Brent can deal.
-
Ryan throws a hissy fit and rails at Brendon for ten minutes straight right as they go on lunch break, so Spencer mentally steels himself and heads after him.
“What was that about?” he asks. There isn’t enough gravel left outside to kick, it’s all been scattered through the grass. He thinks Ryan may need to find a new form of stress relief, one that doesn’t involve assaulting splinters of rock or fucking Brendon silly.
I love this recurring element of gravel abuse. First it's just a little kicking, and then it turns to outright abuse, and know it's like a hurricane tore through, or an explosion.
Ryan’s pacing, hands jammed into the pockets of his - no, of Brendon’s - hoodie. Spencer wonders if that’s actually helping, or just contributing to the frustration. “I just wish it wasn’t him,” he says tightly.
“Brendon?” Spencer asks, adjusting to meet this new complication. He can handle Ryan, he can, he just needs to know what the actual issues are, and not just what Ryan admits out loud.
“He’s so fucking touchy. And happy all the time, Jesus. It’s like he never runs out of energy, and he’s never heard of personal space.”
Spencer blinks a few times, then frowns and says, “Ryan.”
“And I don’t want him around all the time, God. It’s not my fault I’m like this, it’s like he doesn’t get that I can’t help it and I don’t actually want him, but he won’t back off and just leave me alone for five minutes, he’s so…”
“Ryan,” Spencer says again, louder. “Shut the fuck up.”
This is pretty much my reaction too, especially considering the proof we had in the previous scene that the constant physical contact works better. And I get that Ryan doesn't like this constant reminder of his lack of control and all that, but seriously. Also, it’s like he doesn’t get that I can’t help it and I don’t actually want him? Just sounds bitchy. Brendon is dealing with this the best way he knows how, which is a different way than Ryan's primary method of dealing, but that doesn't mean he secretly wants to believe Ryan is in love with him or something.
That said, I love Ryan bitching. It makes me annoyed, but I think it's perfect. Of course he's being a dick. It's a shitty situation, and like I said, he's not used to Brendon's habitual touchy-feeliness.
To his credit, or maybe just because he knows that tone of voice by now, Ryan does. He stands there glowering, arms crossed over his chest, defying Spencer to say anything else.
Because Ryan’s his best friend, Spencer completely ignores the warning and says it anyway. “He’s doing you a pretty huge fucking favor, so seriously, shut up or I will hurt you.”
I love Ryan&Spencer. Also, Spencer's calling this a favor really strikes me, and I'm not entirely sure why. It's a contrast, especially to Spencer's previous thought regarding how Brendon pretty much has to do this if they want to avoid an "incident". It's also interesting because the word "favor" implies that it's something Ryan's going to owe Brendon, even if I severely doubt that Brendon would ever ask Ryan to pay him back. "Favor" also makes it sound, at least to me, as if Brendon could back out at any time, as if it would have been easy to say no, whereas in my head I kind of feel like for Brendon, there was really no question of saying no.
Spencer's use of the word is actually well-chosen, though, because of everything I just said; maybe Brendon would never have said no, but Spencer needs to remind Ryan that he could have. Also, I love Spencer defending Brendon. *grins*
Ryan bristles, but Spencer stares him down, and finally he slumps and rubs at his forehead. “I just want it to be over,” he mutters at the ground, and Spencer feels the same way, so he understands. He really does.
“Stop yelling at him,” he says. “It’s like kicking a puppy. Call a break if you need one, seriously. You know I’ve got your back. We both do.”
It really is like kicking a puppy. And that last sentence is wonderful, because Spencer is both speaking of him and Brendon as a "we", and also recognizing that Brendon really is inside their circle at this point. Note that it's "we both" and not "we all," even though presumably Brent wants Ryan in good mental health just as much as the rest of them.
Ryan nods, scuffing his toe through the dirt, so Spencer steps in before he ruins his shoes. “I could murder a pizza, come on,” he says, as lightly as he can manage. “Let’s go make sure they don’t pussy out and order sandwiches.”
-
Ryan actually behaves himself for the rest of the day, which is admirable for someone going through as much shit as he is right now, and everyone’s in a good mood by the time they break for the night, satisfied with what they got done and how it sounds.
Brendon is actually in a writing frenzy, and half of it sounds like shit because of how exhausted he is, but the rest of it could actually be something, once he figures out where he wants to go with it. He’s moved his keyboard onto the ground and taps out melodies lying on his stomach, humming along and kicking his legs in the air while he scribbles down notations.
I love them having a good day, where nobody yells at each other and they actually get shit done, and Brendon with his legs up in the air! Oh my god, he's so adorable. But still, there's that little hint of something else, of overwhelming exhaustion, that recurs a few paragraphs down.
Spencer gets used to stepping over him, so it’s a surprise when he comes out of the bathroom and runs right into him, hopping around on one foot in the hallway. Spencer catches him before he overbalances, and they both blink at each other for a minute before Spencer says cautiously, “Okay?”
Brendon blinks a few more times, then says, “Yeah, I just. My shoe. Laces.”
“Right,” Spencer says, like that made any sort of sense at all, and then finds himself with an armful of Brendon, arms tight around his waist and face buried in Spencer’s neck. Spencer isn’t a huggy person, but he makes allowances for Brendon, who is, so he wraps his arms around Brendon and gently pats him for as long as Brendon needs to hold on.
“I’m so tired,” Brendon whispers. The cheerful creative energy has drained completely, leaving him clingy and limp. The skin under his eyes looks bruised, even after sleeping for a few hours last night.
And oh. Ow. God. Happiness? Gone now. Still, he is letting his boundaries down around Spencer and Ryan - because while I've been focusing on Spencer and Ryan being the ones who keep everyone out, Brendon still has walls that he's built up over the years. I think the cheerfulness was partially adrenaline and satisfaction, but I do think that Brendon has these happy walls that he puts up, that have varying levels of truth to them depending on the situation.
Spencer opens his mouth to say something reassuring, and that’s when he catches sight of Ryan, standing with fists clenched and jaw set a few feet away, absolute murder in his eyes.
Spencer doesn’t let go of Brendon, and he doesn’t back down. “Don’t,” he says, quiet but firm. “Ryan.”
Brendon looks up when Spencer speaks, disoriented - Spencer thinks he may have just been half-asleep on his feet - and focuses on Ryan. There’s a second where they all just stare at each other, and then Ryan whirls around and walks away.
This is one of those bits that I just have to read again and again. Sometimes I picture it in my head - Brendon, half-collapsed onto Spencer, who's supporting him gently, looking worried but attempting to look reassuring. And then Ryan comes up, and the look on his face... And then the mutual stare, held for a moment in complete silence, until Ryan stalks off. Jesus.
Brendon pulls back out of the embrace, confused. “What…?” he asks, tugging the cuffs of his shirt back down.
Spencer sighs, and wishes he had some gravel to kick. “It’s part of the thing,” he says through gritted teeth, frustration at the whole situation making his head throb. “You’re, uh. You’re his right now.”
“Oh,” Brendon says, looking blankly at Spencer. “Okay. I should probably…”
“Yeah,” Spencer says. He leaves Brendon in charge of soothing Ryan and goes to find some Advil.
I just feel terrible for all of them. Ryan and his loss of control, Brendon and his loss of his quiet time, a moment where he's alone and in Spencer's arms, and Spencer and his loss of Brendon. And what Spencer says - "You're, uh. You're his right now." - packs a lot into a little. Brendon is Ryan's right now. Does that mean when he was hugging Spencer in the brief moment, he's Spencer's?
Well, technically, no. It means that he's being touched by Spencer and Ryan hates that, but I still find the phrasing intriguing.
And oh, Spencer. So tired. He's trying to handle everything, with the help of Advil and some gravel abuse, but he really shouldn't have to take so much on himself. *cuddles*
-
Spencer’s in bed already when he hears the thunk from the next room, followed by a loud cracking sound and an even louder thump and crash.
I love this scene, okay. So much. It makes me giggle hysterically every damn time I read it.
Brent has his headphones on, so Spencer gets out of bed cautiously and listens to see if he can hear anything else. That didn’t sound like a sex thump, but he’d like to be sure before he unwittingly interrupts something. Interrupting Ryan when he’s like this is not generally a good idea.
The next thing he hears is laughter, high-pitched and almost hysterical, so he lifts his hand and taps lightly on the door. He thinks he hears, “Come in,” lost in the sound of Brendon braying like a donkey, so he turns the knob and opens it just a crack.
When he doesn’t catch sight of naked flesh, he pushes it open further, and is greeted by the sight of Ryan sitting on the bed looking completely flummoxed, and Brendon rolling around on the ground beside him. Beside him, because the bed is on the floor.
Spencer feels his lips twitch. “You broke the bed?” he asks, in what completely fails to be an innocent tone of voice.
THEY BROKE THE BED. I AM LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. I MAY NEVER STOP.
Brendon tries to speak and ends up just laughing harder. Ryan flops back on the bed, looking grumpy but also like he’s starting to see the humor in the situation. “He was all…” Ryan explains without explaining, waving his hand around vaguely. “On the bed, and I…”
Brendon practically shrieks, then pulls it together enough to create what must be a re-enactment, eyes going dramatically wide before he launches himself at Ryan on the bed. Ryan bats at him irritably, but not in earnest, and when Brendon starts laughing again and mashes his face against Ryan’s neck, Ryan actually reaches up to run his fingers through Brendon’s hair.
It's just adorable, okay. And I've said this before, but I like that this thing isn't all fucking, not entirely. In a way, you can see here the seeds Brendon and Ryan's future friendship, that they're going to get through this like Ryan and Spencer did. Well, not quite, because Ryan and Spencer started out as best friends, and this is kind of forging a deeper friendship for Brendon and Ryan. Still, though, you can see what I mean. This isn't going to fuck anything up for them. After this is over, they're probably just going to keep on acting like this, just, you know, without the sex. Okay, maybe Ryan will resist some of the touchier stuff for a while, but Brendon seems to have a very tactile approach to friendship. Plus, he's persistent. He'll wear Ryan down. *nods*
They’re both still dressed, so nothing must have happened yet, but Spencer isn’t going to bet on it staying that way for long. “I’ll just…” he says, starting to back away and close the door.
“No, wait,” Ryan says suddenly, sounding sharp and desperate. “Spence. Stay.” When Spencer freezes, he bites his lip and says, without meeting Spencer’s eyes, “It would be good to…not be tempted for a change. Just for a while.”
*sighs* Fine, Ryan. Cut my happy vibes in half. *hugs him*
Spencer considers for a minute. Then he says, “Okay,” and shuts the door.
-
“Why isn’t it over yet?” Ryan complains, one hand over his face. Brendon is lounging comfortably over his side, and apparently he was totally onto something with the physical contact, because Ryan is actually doing okay and not trying to maul him. Spencer thinks they must have just had sex in the shower, because both of them have damp hair and are wearing pajamas, so that probably helps as well.
“Just a few more days,” Spencer reminds him, and can’t help how relieved he feels when he says it, even though Ryan just groans like Spencer’s given him a death sentence.
Spencer as the glass half-full type, Ryan as the glass half-empty?
“I’m going to sleep so much,” Brendon announces, somehow scooting around so his legs are over Spencer’s while his head is pillowed on Ryan’s thigh. “So, so much.”
Cuddles! Panic boy cuddles!
Ryan just groans again, and rubs at his eyes, which are completely bloodshot. Spencer reaches out to catch his wrist without thinking, and rubs at his pulse point. “You need to take a night off and sleep,” he says. He’s ninety-nine percent certain Ryan didn’t sleep at all the night before, and it shows.
“Yes,” Ryan says emphatically, and then he catches on to what Spencer means and says just as emphatically, “No.”
“Yes,” Spencer echoes, while Brendon lifts his head up and says, “What?”
Mm, more Spencer&Ryan - but it's shared history this time, not just their psychic thing, that explains why Brendon is out of the loop, otherwise he might maybe kind of get it.
Spencer had to do this once last time, too, after Ryan’s girlfriend had dumped him not for being a nymphomaniac, but for becoming so jealously possessive that he wouldn’t let her out of his sight and lost his shit when he caught her hugging a male friend. Ryan had made it two days, going more and more crazy the whole time, and when locking Ryan in his room and sitting on his chest to keep him from going after her hadn’t worked anymore, Spencer had finally resorted to other means.
Other means. Jesus, Spencer. Can't you just feel the desperation combined with that faintest tinge of ominousness?
Ryan cracks an eye open and looks at him, reluctantly considering. Spencer pokes him in the chest. “You need a break,” he says, and Ryan groans again but doesn’t argue. He drops his head onto the covers and grumbles something that could possibly be interpreted as assent.
“Don’t get naked while I’m gone, I’m counting on you,” Spencer tells Brendon, and goes to get supplies.
-
Ryan makes a face when Spencer hands him the first shot, but he knocks it back without a word, and then makes an even more exaggerated face after he swallows. “I hate drinking,” he complains. Spencer hands him another shot.
“You’re going to hate it more in the morning, but you’ll also thank me,” Spencer predicts, and lets Brendon have a shot as well when he holds out his hand, because they have a whole bottle, which is more than enough to go around.
Spencer is probably right. He's just that good.
“This tastes terrible,” Brendon says, sounding impressed, although Spencer notices that he passes his glass back for a refill anyway.
“See what you can get for twenty bucks,” Spencer challenges, trying to pour without slopping liquor onto the bed. They might not notice it tonight, but it will reek tomorrow. “Stop it,” he adds, as Ryan’s hand starts wandering towards Brendon’s crotch. “Less touching, more drinking.”
Of course, he would have to be the one in charge here, because the other two are going to be too tipsy - which is actually the point, so.
Although know that I think of it, Spencer is very much the sober one in this relationship. Not in terms of alcohol consumption, but he's the metaphorical designated driver, if that makes any sense. He lets everyone else go out and get (metaphorically) drunk while he makes sure they don't do anything too stupid (yeah, that one's literal). Which, even though it's partially a self-chosen role, still kind of sucks for him.
Brendon starts giggling. He’s only had two shots, but then Brendon always has been a lightweight, so Spencer’s not really all that surprised. “You too,” he says for good measure, and tries not to smile when Brendon makes wide, wounded doe eyes at him and can only hold it for about five seconds without giggling again.
“This had better work,” Ryan grumbles, but he sounds more relaxed already, and Spencer’s calculations suggest he should be out cold within the next four shots.
Spencer's mind is always working, always practical, always with a little bit off to the side watching. It kind of makes you wonder what he's like during sex, if he lets go at all. Or am I the only one who wonders that?
...Who am I kidding, this is bandom. Of course I'm not the only one who wonders that.
“Break,” he announces, setting the bottle aside on the floor. “I want you to sleep, not die of alcohol poisoning.”
Ryan rolls his eyes. “Spencer’s mean,” he says, and Brendon laughs so hard he falls off the bed again.
-
“Spencer,” Ryan says earnestly, six shots in. “Spencer, you’re my best friend. In the whole world.”
Ryan drunk is always hilarious, but somehow having Brendon there laughing like a hyena just makes it funnier. “I know,” Spencer says solemnly. “Keep drinking.”
So funny, oh my god. The drunk antics are hysterical, and then you remember that they're doing this so that Brendon and Ryan can actually get some sleep, and it's a little angsty, too. Still funny, though.
“No, I want…” Ryan insists, and before he realizes what’s happening, Spencer has been tugged across Ryan’s lap and is being kissed, messily and with sincerity.
Spencer kisses him back, because otherwise Ryan will throw a fit, pout, and possibly start crying, but he keeps it as chaste as he can because he’s very aware, even if Ryan isn’t, of Brendon sitting just a few feet away watching them. “Hey,” he says when Ryan eases up a little. “I’m not having a threesome with you.”
Ryan looks confused, and then his gaze sharpens, predatory and hungry. “Brendon.”
Oops. Maybe not the best thing to call his attention to, Spencer.
“Drink,” Spencer says hastily, shoving another glass at Ryan before he has to physically wrestle them apart. Brendon’s had three shots and is drunk off his ass; Spencer isn’t counting on him being much of a help.
But, were he not drunk, he could be, which is good for Spencer to admit, even just in implication.
“Is he always like this?” Brendon asks, seeming fascinated by the spectacle that is Ryan when he’s intoxicated.
“Always,” Spencer says wearily, but it’s fond at the same time. Ryan makes another face at him and launches into his bossy Spencer impression, which Spencer tolerates because it’s Ryan’s eighth shot and he should be passing out any minute now. Also because it is actually pretty funny.
“Tired,” Ryan says abruptly, breaking off mid-Spencer-tirade and falling back onto the pillows. He closes his eyes and murmurs, “Brendon,” and Brendon squirms his way around into Ryan’s arms, nuzzling close until they’re curled together like puppies. Sleepy, drunk puppies.
Spencer’s putting the lid back on the bottle and getting ready to pass out himself when Ryan says, slurred and serious, “Love you.”
Spencer smiles faintly, flips the light switch and says, “Love you too.”
Cuties. *sighs* Puppies and Ryan's drunk-but-sincere declarations of love. Joy. Spencer's faint smile, though, takes me a little out of it - in a good way, of course. It's subtle, so we can't precisely tell what Spencer's thinking, if it's a fond smile or a tired smile or what, but. It's something.
-
They all sleep in late, even Spencer, who really has no excuse besides the fact that for once he can sleep without worrying about Ryan. Ryan’s phone goes off just after eleven, which sends them all stumbling bleary-eyed into the hallway to start getting ready for the day.
Oh, Spencer. You always have an excuse to sleep in, especially when you've got so many stressful things all spinning around on your plate.
Brendon bounces on his toes while he and Spencer crowd each other out for sink space to brush their teeth, humming something that sounds like Philadelphia Freedom.
“Stop being so cheerful,” Spencer warns, and Brendon just grins at him.
“I have such a headache,” he says. “Man, Ross is going to…”
Of course Brendon is cheerful when he has a hangover. *shakes head* God, I love that boy.
“Blargh,” Ryan says unintelligibly, shouldering past them and pushing the door closed until they’re both out in the hallway. Brendon laughs, and a second later the door opens and Ryan’s skinny arm shoots out to drag Brendon back in after him.
*snickers* I have nothing else to say. It's like a pornographic horror movie or something.
“Hey,” Spencer hears before the door closes again. “Ow, ow…oh.”
Spencer stands there for a minute trying to decide whether it’s worth interrupting them to reclaim his mouthwash, and finally decides he’d rather not cross Ryan with a hangover first thing in the morning.
Every time I read this, I get hit by this tinge of resignation. And maybe a tiny bit of exasperation because of the mouthwash, but mostly just resignation. He was talking to Brendon, then he gets pushed away and Ryan is sexing up his boy.
Also, this is probably kind of pointless, but there's a sort of cycle to this, in a way - first Brendon is the one getting pushed out of the RyanandSpencer circle of two, and now Spencer is alone, with Brendon and Ryan literally behind a closer door. Eventually, Ryan is going to be the one alone, before they find Jon, but after Spencer and Brendon hook up, even though that isn't covered in this story.
-
They work through dinner to make up for starting late, the pressure of a deadline finally starting to loom. Spencer watches the clock, but there’s really nothing he can do. He keeps his eyes open for an opportunity to take a break and hopes no one else notices that Ryan is undressing their lead singer with his eyes.
Can't you just hear his brain whirring?
Brendon seems oblivious, or maybe he’s just gotten used to it by now. He’s back to full energy, pounding out elaborate compositions on his keyboard and practicing rock star poses with an electric guitar. Ryan keeps creeping closer when they play, to the point that Spencer is inventing a cover story about this being practice for part of the stage act.
Brendon’s on top of a speaker and Ryan is staring hungrily and unabashedly at his ass when everything suddenly comes crashing down. Everything, in this case, meaning Brendon.
And at first this is just such an, "Oh, fuck" moment, combined with everything else that Spencer has been worrying about. However, as we'll find out in about a minute, not everything is as it seems to Spencer.
“Shit,” Spencer says when his tongue unfreezes, half-standing as Brendon folds into a crumpled heap over his ankle.
“Ow,” Brendon says weakly. “Okay, yeah, that hurt.”
“What did you do?” Brent asks, as if they didn’t all just watch him fall off of a speaker.
Oh, Brent. And oh, Spencer's annoyed dismissal of Brent.
“I think it’s okay,” Brendon says, making doe eyes at their assorted tech staff. “Maybe some ice? Sorry, guys, can we take ten? I’m just going to go prop it up on the bed and check it out. I’m really sorry.”
Sometimes Spencer wonders why they all constantly underestimate Brendon.
*fist pumps* Love. Also, Spencer is totally including himself in that. *grins* See, he doesn't have to be in charge of every situation. He doesn't have to worry about being the only one to take care of things.
“Can you make it on your own?” Spencer prompts, because Ryan doesn’t appear to have caught on yet.
Brendon makes a noble effort to stand, winces and falls back to the floor. “I think maybe…hey, Ross, can you help?”
Ryan unfreezes, and Spencer still isn’t sure that he’s figured out the ploy, but Brendon hooks his arm over Ryan’s shoulders and starts hobbling towards their bedroom, so Spencer assumes he’ll get it soon enough.
Spencer and Brendon are totally co-collaborators. Well, okay, they didn't originally collaborate on this, that was all Brendon, but Spencer prompts Ryan and Brendon takes his cue, and it's awesome. *grins* It feels a little like their brains are starting to work along the same wavelength. Spencer said earlier, "I've got your back. Both of us do." Brendon and Spencer have Ryan's back, and Brendon has Spencer's back. (Ryan does too, obviously, but his mind is a little foggy at the moment, poor dear.)
They all hang out for a couple of minutes, and then everyone pauses at the sound of a muffled moan. Spencer’s hoping it can be written off as a groan of pain.
“Hey, I think something’s out of tune on my kit,” he says loudly, slamming three things at once to make as much noise as possible. “Can everyone listen to it and tell me if it sounds off?”
He starts banging and crashing his way through a cacophony of sound, and hopes that Brendon is as fast as he is clever.
Told you; collaboration. Doesn't it make life so much better?
This is actually interesting to contrast to the scene where Spencer plays fussy artist, because that time, it was all Spencer and Ryan, and Brendon just got pulled in. This time, it's all three of them. (Or, depending on the way you look at it, the former was Spencer and Ryan, with Brendon getting pulled along. The latter is Brendon and Spencer, with Ryan getting pulled along. Either way works, I think.)
-
“Spencer Smith,” Brendon says, looking up pitifully from where he’s been banished, on a chair behind the keyboard. “I have to go. Potty break.”
“Okay,” Spencer says slowly, because Brendon over-shares on a regular basis, but not usually to this degree. Then Brendon holds both arms up, and Spencer huffs out an exasperated breath because seriously, this is going too far.
Not when you're Brendon, it isn't. Really, Spencer shouldn't be surprised by this.
“I want piggyback,” Brendon announces, and Spencer groans when Brendon hops up and wraps his arms around Spencer’s neck.
“Oh my God,” Spencer mutters. “You’re not even really hurt.”
“They don’t know that,” Brendon replies, soft and secretive next to Spencer’s ear. “I’m keeping up appearances.”
“I hate you,” Spencer tells him, nearly staggering into the wall when he tries to set Brendon down.
“It’s for the good of the band,” Brendon says solemnly, then winks and hops inside.
Oh, totally, Brendon. Definitely just for the good of the band. Just like when Spencer stares at you, it's not at all because he's secretly into you. *grins*
-
Spencer doesn’t even see it coming. One minute he’s rolling his eyes at Brendon’s theatrics, and the next he’s against the wall, with Ryan hissing dangerously, “Stop touching him.”
...Hoo boy. I love this quick back and forth, the easiness of the piggyback scene switching suddenly - and violently - to possessive!Ryan trying to strangle him.
Spencer’s first instinct is to fight, but he overrides it, makes sure not to struggle even though Ryan has both hands fisted in his collar, frighteningly close to his throat. He swallows, says carefully, “Ryan.”
There’s really nothing else he can do. No one else is in the hallway, Brendon’s in the bathroom, and Spencer really doesn’t want to yell for help and then have to explain why Ryan’s acting like a lunatic.
Oh, Spencer. Always, always, always so controlled, even when he's being half-choked by his sex-crazed best friend.
He sees sense slowly return to Ryan’s eyes, and then Ryan’s face is behind his hands, and he’s stepping back, muttering under his breath. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
And yet, it works. I see this as another demonstration of, in addition to Spencer's control, their friendship. Who but Spencer would be able to stand there without reacting while Ryan tries to kill him? What would Ryan stop for, if not Spencer's reassuringly steady calmness?
Spencer gives him a second, and then cautiously reaches out to touch Ryan’s arm. Ryan flinches away, but moves back in the next breath, coming in for a hug with his face hidden against Spencer’s neck. “I hate this,” he says, quiet and fierce. “I hate it, I hate it.”
God, boys. Can;t you just feel your heart breaking?
“I know,” Spencer says, holding Ryan tighter than he has in a long time, keeping him together. Ryan shudders, and Spencer is about to go tell the other guys that they’re done for the day when he feels someone else come up behind Ryan, sandwiching him in.
Ryan goes rigid, muscles tense. Spencer tries carefully, “Brendon, maybe now isn’t the best time.”
“I’m helping,” Brendon says, one arm creeping all the way around to Spencer while the other one worms between them to wrap around Ryan’s waist.
“You’re really not,” Ryan says, but he’s relaxing a little bit anyway, letting Brendon squeeze him.
“Group hug therapy, Ross,” Brendon says, like it’s something they should all know about and practice on a regular basis. “Feel the love.”
Part of Spencer wants to roll his eyes, but whatever magic Brendon has to get Ryan to lighten up is working, because Ryan starts laughing against Spencer’s neck. And if Spencer’s collar gets a little damp, he doesn’t say a thing.
*sighs happily* See, at first it seems like Spencer's right, and Brendon is kind of muscling his way in where he shouldn't be, but they're just underestimating him again. They're still getting used to Brendon's methods here; after all, it doesn't seem like it's been that long since they've really started becoming closer to Brendon. Maybe they were friends before, but I suspect it was more Brent-style friends, where they like him, but he's not in the circle.
He is now, though. And eventually, they're going to stop tensing up like that, because he's not going anywhere, and he's going to keep on hugging them until they're used to it.
I feel like part of the reason that this works so well, even if it does take some adjusting, is because Brendon isn't Ryan, isn't Spencer, and doesn't go about things like either of them do. That's not what they need.
Can't you just see it? If Brendon was just like Spencer, they'd end up butting heads all the time, each trying to pile on more responsibility for themselves. And two Ryans - Jesus. As much as I love the boy, no. There should not be more than one Ryan Ross in the world. I can't even see it working with him as a combination of the two of them.
So instead they have Brendon, and maybe its not the most comfortable thing for Spencer and Ryan to get used to at first, but whatever; variety is the spice of life, you have to let some new blood in, etc.
And then Ryan crying... *hugs*
-
Ryan sneaks into Spencer’s bed just after one in the morning, silently lifting up the covers and tucking himself up against Spencer’s side. Brent’s out with some of the other guys, hitting a party or something, whatever a college town has to offer in the summer, so the room is quiet for once.
“What is it?” Spencer asks, waking up immediately, already reaching to hit the lights. Ryan stops him with a hand on his wrist, and in the dim light Spencer can see him shaking his head.
Waking up immediately. Spencer probably lives perpetually on edge. He's always ready to deal with whatever crisis might be coming up - or he tries to be ready, in any case.
“I think it’s over,” he says, voice lowered even though Brendon is in the next room and probably passed out. “It feels like it, anyway.”
Spencer rubs his back and wakes up a little more, although his eyes close, because if Ryan just came to tell him things are back to normal, it means he can fall asleep again soon. “Yeah?”
Oh, Spencer. And he doesn't think he deserves to sleep in? He's just exhausted as the two of them. One of the reasons that this being almost over is so relieving is because it means that Spencer finally gets to relax, at least a little.
“Yeah.” Ryan’s quiet for a while, and Spencer thinks maybe he just needed to get out of his own room for a while, away from Brendon and the smell of sex, all the physical reminders of the past week. Then he adds quietly, “I think I know. Why it was Brendon.”
Brendon's not the only one who doesn't see his room as a haven.
Spencer rouses himself again, rolls over onto his side so he can actually see Ryan’s face, because this has the tone of a confession. He’s not sure what it will be or whether he really wants to hear it, but he’s going to listen in any case.
Ryan doesn’t say anything for so long that Spencer thinks he might need to be prompted, but then he finally breaks the silence. “I saw the way you looked at him. I think my subconscious or whatever decided that if I didn’t have anyone I felt that way about, I could still. I could trust anyone you looked at like that.”
Spencer feels like he can’t breathe, like there’s something sitting on his chest. “Ryan,” he starts, without knowing what he’s going to say, beyond a denial of some sort.
“Spencer,” Ryan interrupts, cutting him off in his brooking-no-arguments tone of voice, the one Spencer thinks Ryan may have picked up from Spencer’s mom. “I just wanted to say I was sorry. Even though I don’t think I could have stopped it. It’s still a shitty thing to do.”
“It’s not,” Spencer says, although he’s still trying to process that, to make sense of it. “I’m not…”
“Spence,” Ryan says, and even in the dark, Spencer can tell he’s making the ‘my best friend is an idiot’ face. “Don’t be stupid.”
“You’re stupid,” Spencer retorts. It’s one in the morning and Ryan’s dropping bombs, so his comebacks aren’t what they usually are.
“Your mom is stupid,” Ryan deadpans, and that’s when the elephant stops sitting on Spencer’s chest and he thinks it might just be okay, after all.
...
I got nothing. Okay, maybe I do, but I just wanted to take that moment to stop and smile sappily. Boys! Your mom jokes! Spencer knowing what face Ryan is making! Ryan knowing that Spencer has a crush, even when Spencer is barely willing to admit it to himself!
Ryan's explanation makes a lot of sense, but I actually see a hint of another motivation in there, although airgiodslv didn't intend it. (I did run it by her later, though, and she liked it, so, hey. *shrugs*) The thing is, if you've gotten this far in the commentary, you obviously know that in a larger sense, I see this as Ryan and Spencer opening up to let Brendon in. This involves that, but it's also more than that, too.
I think that, deep down, Ryan saw Spencer looking at Brendon and felt a little bit like Brendon was taking Spencer away, which Ryan obviously wasn't ready for. Thus, he does what he can to neutralize the threat by taking Brendon, and it all kind of factors into the "You're, uh. You're his right now" thing. Ryan didn't want to let Brendon in, and he definitely didn't want to let Spencer go, so he subconsciously tried to take control in the only way he really could. After all, Spencer and Brendon can't go off together if Ryan has already staked his claim on Brendon, can they? It's a guaranteed way to keep Spencer by Ryan, and to make sure that Brendon is too busy to really do anything.
Except, in the end, it just speeds up the process, and Ryan starts to come to terms with the way everything is going. Which is kind of the exact opposite of the original idea, but is probably better in the end.
-
“I’m becoming a born-again virgin,” Brendon announces the next morning, after sleeping until ten and eating at least half of everyone else’s breakfast. “Like Queen Elizabeth.”
*snickers* Because you can obviously convert to virginity like you would to Christianity. Plus, if Queen Elizabeth was a virgin, she wasn't born-again. She was just, you know. A virgin.
“Was she really?” Ryan asks, skeptical. Brendon ignores him and carries on waving his fork dramatically.
“I’m never having sex again. Well,” he considers, pausing. “That might be drastic. But at least a year.”
Hie thee to a nunnery, Brendon. *grins* I love this scene so much, although occasionally I wonder where Brent is.
“A year, huh?” Ryan says, smirking. Spencer kicks him under the table.
And Ryan! I love seeing Ryan so amused and not-angsty. This is really just a relief, for all of them.
“Six months,” Brendon amends, clearly thinking it over. “Maybe three months. I’ve been ravaged, I need time to heal.”
Ryan rolls his eyes in a way that somehow manages to be more eloquent than words ever could. Spencer studiously focuses on his breakfast, or at least what’s left of it after Brendon got to it.
“I could be persuaded to less by the right person. You are not the right person, Ross,” Brendon says sternly, looking over his glasses like some kind of elderly maiden librarian. Spencer laughs, and Brendon’s eyes cut slyly sideways, and that’s when Spencer realizes that Brendon is flirting. With him.
!!!!!!!!
...Yeah, that's pretty much the only way to articulate it. Can't you just feel the release of tension? Suddenly they're all free, they're all friends, and now Brendon and Spencer can start a courtship that feels like it's been delayed for years. And they can all just be teenage boys again, without having to worry so much about everything.
Spencer clears his throat and stretches out a little. His chest feels tight suddenly, and kind of tingly. “Three months of born-again virginity?” he asks casually.
Brendon’s grin grows a little around the edges, making Ryan snort laughter and possibly milk as well. “I’m still thinking it over,” he says. “Talk to me next week.”
I can't even explain how gleeful I am, or how much I love this story. I feel like if my heart gets any bigger, it won't fit into my chest. *grins*
God, I could just live in this story.
Author: airgiodslv
Fandom: Bandom
Commentator: formerlydf
Brendon’s sitting on Spencer’s bed, which would be weird except that Brendon’s bed is probably covered in spunk and lube and stale sweat, so Spencer can understand why he came in here instead. Brendon’s room probably doesn’t feel much like a haven at the moment, considering.
This paragraph always hits me, kind of like that little mention in the first part about Spencer's first go-through with Ryan's crazy hormones. Here, we get a bit more of a sense of what's going on in Brendon's world. We never explicitly make our way into Brendon's head and his and Ryan's relationship during this fic, which I think makes the little glimpses we see through Spencer all the more powerful. (Also, it's a nice contrast; I like seeing this crazy, over-the-top situation through Spencer's reserve, but that's a ramble for another time.) This is just another thing that reminds me that, hey, Brendon's kind of feeling really fucked up right now, despite his resilient nature.
“I knew it was yours,” Brendon says when he comes in. “Brent would never make his bed.”
Spencer sits down, close enough that he thinks Brendon might scoot away, but he doesn’t. He thinks Brendon might have been crying, from the red under his eyes, but it’s hard to tell. He looks exhausted.
“It’s just really hard for him,” Spencer says quietly. “The album, and the band, and the way he is right now. He hates being out of control.”
*coughs* Ryan's not the only one.
Brendon wipes roughly at his eyes with the back of his wrist, which pretty much confirms Spencer’s suspicion about the crying. “I know,” he says. “I’m not mad at him.”
Spencer plays with a loose thread on the blanket while he mulls over what to say. “You could be,” he decides finally. “He’s being a dick.”
This also feels kind of important to me. I don't think Spencer would just offer that kind of comment to anyone on the outside, if that makes sense. He starts out apologizing for Ryan, because that's what he does, he smoothes over Ryan's turbulence, but he doesn't necessarily need to do that this time. He's letting Brendon in by admitting that he thinks Ryan is being a dick.
Brendon’s quiet for a minute, and then he starts laughing softly, tipping sideways to hide his face against Spencer’s shoulder. Spencer pats him awkwardly and lets him laugh-cry himself out, and offers a tissue when it seems like he’s finally done.
I love that awkwardly. They're still teenage boys, after all. Teenage boys who, admittedly, have been forced to mature beyond their years, but still know nothing about dealing with feelings. And it's definitely a laugh-cry sort of situation.
“Ready?” Spencer asks when Brendon finishes blowing his nose. It’s still obvious that he’s been crying, but he seems more energized now, and considerably more calm.
Brendon squares his shoulders and slam-dunks the tissue into the waste basket. “Let’s do it.”
-
It’s past midnight when the door to Ryan’s room opens and he comes out, still tugging a shirt on while he listens, phone pressed to his ear. “No, it’s going really well,” he says, giving Spencer a quick nod of acknowledgement on his way out the front door.
Brendon wanders out a few minutes later, wearing pajama pants and the summer camp t-shirt. He curls up on the couch, tucking his bare toes under the cushion, and leans in against Spencer’s side. Brendon is warm and can barely keep his eyes open, so Spencer allows it.
Hah. Right, Spencer. That's definitely the only reason why you're letting Brendon use you as a pillow.
“You should be sleeping,” he says, quietly because Brent’s in his room on the phone again and the silence around them feels too good to disturb.
Brendon makes a noncommittal noise, huffed into the fabric of Spencer’s shirt. “He’ll only wake me up again,” he says, but the fatalistic tone is completely ruined by the jaw-popping yawn that follows it.
Brendon the would-be drama queen. I love it.
“I told you,” Spencer says, half-smiling because Brendon isn’t wearing his glasses and his hair is a total mess, and he’s nuzzling into Spencer’s arm kind of like an overgrown kitten.
Brendon makes another noise, a little “hmm” that probably means he’s just too tired to talk, and Spencer shifts enough that Brendon can lean up against him properly without getting a crick in his neck. He rubs Brendon’s back absently, watching the television on mute and feeling Brendon go gradually boneless.
He thinks Brendon’s fallen asleep, so it’s a surprise when he hears, “I wish…”
Spencer goes still, only partly from surprise. He turns his head, and Brendon is looking at him, eyes only half-open but fixed on his mouth before he looks up and then down and away. “What?” Spencer asks, and it’s a shock how hard his heart is pounding against his ribcage, beating loud in his ears.
Brendon closes his eyes and shakes his head, nestling back down against Spencer’s shoulder. “Nothing.”
Oh, man. *shivers* This scene, okay. This is another one of my absolute-beyond-absolute favorites. We're lulled into this calm, and then, like Spencer, we hear Brendon and have to readjust, to get our minds on track, to lean in closer to the screen as if that's going to let us see Brendon's face as he says, "Nothing."
That's how it works for me, anyway. And throughout this all, we've been getting the sense of Spencer's feelings for Brendon - obscured, yes, but still winding underneath everything. And now we have this hint that Brendon feels the same, but there are no confessions tonight; it's the wrong place, wrong time. Not yet. Just feeling all those wishes that haven't been put into words, though...
-
The door creaks open twenty minutes later, and this time Brendon’s definitely asleep, because there’s a damp spot where he’s drooling on Spencer’s shirt.
Spencer sees the possessive jealousy flash in Ryan’s eyes before he clamps down on it, and then he just looks worn-out. Spencer cocks his head a little, an invitation for Ryan to join them, but he just shakes his head.
“He was trying to wait up for you,” Spencer says softly, trying not to disturb Brendon before he has to. “He just didn’t make it.”
Ryan’s expression is amused for a half-second, before the lust starts creeping back in around the edges, focused and desperate. Spencer is already reaching to wake Brendon up when Ryan shakes his head again.
“Let him sleep,” he says, barely loud enough for Spencer to hear. “He needs it.”
Spencer checks the clock, does the math, and frowns. “You’ll never make it,” he says flatly, because if Brendon sleeps through ‘til morning, that means at least six or seven hours of Ryan going crazy locked inside his hormone-crazed body without any form of relief.
Ryan’s smile looks more like a grimace, but he still makes the effort. “I made it last time,” he says, and Spencer bites back his argument that last time was completely different, last time he didn’t have the person he needed fifteen feet away and available, because it’s Ryan’s choice and he looks determined to make the sacrifice.
The way Spencer thinks about Brendon here - fifteen feet away and available - makes it sound like he doesn't have any will of his own, but, well. In a sense, he doesn't, since when he agreed to go into this thing he kind of volunteered complete control of his body over to Ryan. Except for the things that might be too painful for him, but that's not the point here.
I like seeing Ryan's possessiveness, and then his determined self-control. "Sacrifice" really is the perfect word, since it's going to be pretty damn painful; then again, it actually fits the entire story. Brendon sacrifices his body; Spencer sacrifices Brendon; Ryan sacrifices his control, except when he sacrifices satisfaction in order to keep control.
“I’ll send him in if he wakes up,” Spencer offers, the best compromise he can come up with, and Ryan nods.
“Sleep well,” he says as he turns to go, and Spencer calls softly after him, “You, too.”
-
Spencer wakes up in the morning with the worst kink in his neck he’s possibly ever had, and Brendon draped over him like a skinny, gangly human blanket. He realizes that what woke him was the clatter of a dish breaking, and opens his eyes to see Ryan motioning frantically with his hands for Spencer not to get up.
“It’s fine, I just, sorry, fuck,” Ryan says, and his hands are shaking when they pick up the pieces of the bowl.
Ryan's shaking hands always define this scene for me. I can almost imagine what happened just prior to Spencer waking up - Ryan, still trying desperately to control himself, even with Brendon lying just a few feet away, looking so tempting. He can get his lust under the vaguest semblance of control, but the tighter he grasps the reins, the more his body refuses to calm down. He might not even know what he's doing with a dish, but his hands won't stop shaking, his body twitching, and then it just vibrates out of his hands and down onto the floor.
I'm not going to put any more commentary in this scene until the end, just because I feel that would do a disservice to the amazing tension inherent in it.
Spencer blinks fully awake, and a second later Brendon’s sleep-gravelly voice says, “Ross?”
“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Ryan mumbles, hair hiding his face, and Brendon’s weight disappears, so Spencer gets up to help Ryan clean up, catching his hands before he can cut himself on the shards.
“Stop it,” Spencer grumps, pushing Ryan’s hands back for the third time. “I’ll get it.”
“Stop being so bitchy,” Ryan snaps, coiled tight and lashing out.
“Of course I’m bitchy, it’s five fucking AM,” Spencer retorts, and Ryan inhales to reply before huffing out a defeated breath and saying, “Yeah, sorry.”
“Hey,” Brendon says behind them, and they both twist around at the same time to look at him. He’s still totally mussed and barely upright, pink creases along his neck and cheek from the wrinkles in Spencer’s shirt, still sleep-lethargic but definitely awake. Spencer’s stomach drops a little, and he thinks he gets it now, why Ryan chose Brendon.
Ryan doesn’t move, vibrating in place like he’s afraid of what he’ll do if he doesn’t hold himself back. Brendon holds out an arm, clearing more gravel from his throat before saying again, “Ross. Hey.”
Ryan inhales, swiftly through his nose, and then he moves so fast it might count as a tackle, if Ryan could ever be considered athletic enough to do things like tackle people. Brendon’s breath leaves him in a rush, but he’s chuckling, low in his throat the way he always is in the mornings. Spencer looks away and finishes cleaning up the bowl.
There's so much in this scene that I can hardly comprehend it. It's one of the central scenes for me, not because anything particularly important happens, but because of the exact opposite. All the threads of the entire story are running directly underneath this scene, twisting and tangling into this knot that we can't see, but that we knows is there nonetheless.
Spencer and Ryan's snippiness, the little drop in Spencer's stomach (there you go, Spencer, and that's about as much of a confession as we're going to get), Ryan's restraint leading to his tackle. And then Spencer looks away -
*sighs*
-
Ryan and Brendon disappear for the next few hours, and Spencer thinks about going back to sleep but decides against it. Brent is probably snoring up a storm, and now that Spencer’s awake, he’s hungry. He might as well eat breakfast.
Spencer's being practical again. Gee, what a surprise. There's also really a sense of how alone Spencer is - Ryan, his best friend, and Brendon, the boy he kinda-maybe-sorta likes, are off together, and Brent is both sleeping and not really in their circle. The paragraph below mentions that he's up for a few hours before he gets his headphones. Hours. That's a lot of time spent alone.
It would be really easy for him to break down right now, to expose at least some of the feelings that have to be clamoring around in his brain right now, but instead he's measured and controlled and rational. *sighs*
He goes to get his headphones from the bedroom a few hours later, and hears low murmurs coming from the other bedroom. It doesn’t sound like sex, but when he pauses to listen, he hears Brendon laugh and say, “Forget it, your ass privileges are revoked until further notice,” so at least they seem to be holding up okay, in spite of everything.
Ass privileges, okay. That will never not be funny. Also, I like that there's some lightness in this thing between Brendon and Ryan. It feels... very Brendon.
Brent comes out half an hour later and says, “Brendon and Ryan are doing it again,” and Spencer bites his tongue and pretends he didn’t hear. He’s doing a crossword, which sucks without Ryan because Ryan’s the word guy, and Spencer never does as well by himself. He’s fighting the urge to go knock on the door and ask Ryan about forty-six across.
See? Even when Brent is here, Spencer is kind of bereft and alone. I do like the way Brent is worked into this story.
Brendon wanders out half an hour later and eats everything left on the table, and when Ryan comes out he wordlessly offers up what’s left of the last banana. Ryan says, “Gee, thanks,” and Brendon grins up at him. Brent makes a face like he’s just swallowed a lemon.
See? Humor! Awesome! Also, any vaguely suggestive humor involving bananas counts as a win in my book. And then Brent, and yet another moment of dissonance.
When Brent leaves the room, Spencer says casually, “You might want to try dialing it back a few notches.”
Ryan is half-leaning into Brendon, and he starts to straighten up, but Brendon shakes his head, arm tightening around Ryan’s shoulders, and says, “This works better.”
Ryan looks a lot more relaxed, and Spencer’s not about to argue with that, so he shuts up and lets them do it their way. Brent can deal.
-
Ryan throws a hissy fit and rails at Brendon for ten minutes straight right as they go on lunch break, so Spencer mentally steels himself and heads after him.
“What was that about?” he asks. There isn’t enough gravel left outside to kick, it’s all been scattered through the grass. He thinks Ryan may need to find a new form of stress relief, one that doesn’t involve assaulting splinters of rock or fucking Brendon silly.
I love this recurring element of gravel abuse. First it's just a little kicking, and then it turns to outright abuse, and know it's like a hurricane tore through, or an explosion.
Ryan’s pacing, hands jammed into the pockets of his - no, of Brendon’s - hoodie. Spencer wonders if that’s actually helping, or just contributing to the frustration. “I just wish it wasn’t him,” he says tightly.
“Brendon?” Spencer asks, adjusting to meet this new complication. He can handle Ryan, he can, he just needs to know what the actual issues are, and not just what Ryan admits out loud.
“He’s so fucking touchy. And happy all the time, Jesus. It’s like he never runs out of energy, and he’s never heard of personal space.”
Spencer blinks a few times, then frowns and says, “Ryan.”
“And I don’t want him around all the time, God. It’s not my fault I’m like this, it’s like he doesn’t get that I can’t help it and I don’t actually want him, but he won’t back off and just leave me alone for five minutes, he’s so…”
“Ryan,” Spencer says again, louder. “Shut the fuck up.”
This is pretty much my reaction too, especially considering the proof we had in the previous scene that the constant physical contact works better. And I get that Ryan doesn't like this constant reminder of his lack of control and all that, but seriously. Also, it’s like he doesn’t get that I can’t help it and I don’t actually want him? Just sounds bitchy. Brendon is dealing with this the best way he knows how, which is a different way than Ryan's primary method of dealing, but that doesn't mean he secretly wants to believe Ryan is in love with him or something.
That said, I love Ryan bitching. It makes me annoyed, but I think it's perfect. Of course he's being a dick. It's a shitty situation, and like I said, he's not used to Brendon's habitual touchy-feeliness.
To his credit, or maybe just because he knows that tone of voice by now, Ryan does. He stands there glowering, arms crossed over his chest, defying Spencer to say anything else.
Because Ryan’s his best friend, Spencer completely ignores the warning and says it anyway. “He’s doing you a pretty huge fucking favor, so seriously, shut up or I will hurt you.”
I love Ryan&Spencer. Also, Spencer's calling this a favor really strikes me, and I'm not entirely sure why. It's a contrast, especially to Spencer's previous thought regarding how Brendon pretty much has to do this if they want to avoid an "incident". It's also interesting because the word "favor" implies that it's something Ryan's going to owe Brendon, even if I severely doubt that Brendon would ever ask Ryan to pay him back. "Favor" also makes it sound, at least to me, as if Brendon could back out at any time, as if it would have been easy to say no, whereas in my head I kind of feel like for Brendon, there was really no question of saying no.
Spencer's use of the word is actually well-chosen, though, because of everything I just said; maybe Brendon would never have said no, but Spencer needs to remind Ryan that he could have. Also, I love Spencer defending Brendon. *grins*
Ryan bristles, but Spencer stares him down, and finally he slumps and rubs at his forehead. “I just want it to be over,” he mutters at the ground, and Spencer feels the same way, so he understands. He really does.
“Stop yelling at him,” he says. “It’s like kicking a puppy. Call a break if you need one, seriously. You know I’ve got your back. We both do.”
It really is like kicking a puppy. And that last sentence is wonderful, because Spencer is both speaking of him and Brendon as a "we", and also recognizing that Brendon really is inside their circle at this point. Note that it's "we both" and not "we all," even though presumably Brent wants Ryan in good mental health just as much as the rest of them.
Ryan nods, scuffing his toe through the dirt, so Spencer steps in before he ruins his shoes. “I could murder a pizza, come on,” he says, as lightly as he can manage. “Let’s go make sure they don’t pussy out and order sandwiches.”
-
Ryan actually behaves himself for the rest of the day, which is admirable for someone going through as much shit as he is right now, and everyone’s in a good mood by the time they break for the night, satisfied with what they got done and how it sounds.
Brendon is actually in a writing frenzy, and half of it sounds like shit because of how exhausted he is, but the rest of it could actually be something, once he figures out where he wants to go with it. He’s moved his keyboard onto the ground and taps out melodies lying on his stomach, humming along and kicking his legs in the air while he scribbles down notations.
I love them having a good day, where nobody yells at each other and they actually get shit done, and Brendon with his legs up in the air! Oh my god, he's so adorable. But still, there's that little hint of something else, of overwhelming exhaustion, that recurs a few paragraphs down.
Spencer gets used to stepping over him, so it’s a surprise when he comes out of the bathroom and runs right into him, hopping around on one foot in the hallway. Spencer catches him before he overbalances, and they both blink at each other for a minute before Spencer says cautiously, “Okay?”
Brendon blinks a few more times, then says, “Yeah, I just. My shoe. Laces.”
“Right,” Spencer says, like that made any sort of sense at all, and then finds himself with an armful of Brendon, arms tight around his waist and face buried in Spencer’s neck. Spencer isn’t a huggy person, but he makes allowances for Brendon, who is, so he wraps his arms around Brendon and gently pats him for as long as Brendon needs to hold on.
“I’m so tired,” Brendon whispers. The cheerful creative energy has drained completely, leaving him clingy and limp. The skin under his eyes looks bruised, even after sleeping for a few hours last night.
And oh. Ow. God. Happiness? Gone now. Still, he is letting his boundaries down around Spencer and Ryan - because while I've been focusing on Spencer and Ryan being the ones who keep everyone out, Brendon still has walls that he's built up over the years. I think the cheerfulness was partially adrenaline and satisfaction, but I do think that Brendon has these happy walls that he puts up, that have varying levels of truth to them depending on the situation.
Spencer opens his mouth to say something reassuring, and that’s when he catches sight of Ryan, standing with fists clenched and jaw set a few feet away, absolute murder in his eyes.
Spencer doesn’t let go of Brendon, and he doesn’t back down. “Don’t,” he says, quiet but firm. “Ryan.”
Brendon looks up when Spencer speaks, disoriented - Spencer thinks he may have just been half-asleep on his feet - and focuses on Ryan. There’s a second where they all just stare at each other, and then Ryan whirls around and walks away.
This is one of those bits that I just have to read again and again. Sometimes I picture it in my head - Brendon, half-collapsed onto Spencer, who's supporting him gently, looking worried but attempting to look reassuring. And then Ryan comes up, and the look on his face... And then the mutual stare, held for a moment in complete silence, until Ryan stalks off. Jesus.
Brendon pulls back out of the embrace, confused. “What…?” he asks, tugging the cuffs of his shirt back down.
Spencer sighs, and wishes he had some gravel to kick. “It’s part of the thing,” he says through gritted teeth, frustration at the whole situation making his head throb. “You’re, uh. You’re his right now.”
“Oh,” Brendon says, looking blankly at Spencer. “Okay. I should probably…”
“Yeah,” Spencer says. He leaves Brendon in charge of soothing Ryan and goes to find some Advil.
I just feel terrible for all of them. Ryan and his loss of control, Brendon and his loss of his quiet time, a moment where he's alone and in Spencer's arms, and Spencer and his loss of Brendon. And what Spencer says - "You're, uh. You're his right now." - packs a lot into a little. Brendon is Ryan's right now. Does that mean when he was hugging Spencer in the brief moment, he's Spencer's?
Well, technically, no. It means that he's being touched by Spencer and Ryan hates that, but I still find the phrasing intriguing.
And oh, Spencer. So tired. He's trying to handle everything, with the help of Advil and some gravel abuse, but he really shouldn't have to take so much on himself. *cuddles*
-
Spencer’s in bed already when he hears the thunk from the next room, followed by a loud cracking sound and an even louder thump and crash.
I love this scene, okay. So much. It makes me giggle hysterically every damn time I read it.
Brent has his headphones on, so Spencer gets out of bed cautiously and listens to see if he can hear anything else. That didn’t sound like a sex thump, but he’d like to be sure before he unwittingly interrupts something. Interrupting Ryan when he’s like this is not generally a good idea.
The next thing he hears is laughter, high-pitched and almost hysterical, so he lifts his hand and taps lightly on the door. He thinks he hears, “Come in,” lost in the sound of Brendon braying like a donkey, so he turns the knob and opens it just a crack.
When he doesn’t catch sight of naked flesh, he pushes it open further, and is greeted by the sight of Ryan sitting on the bed looking completely flummoxed, and Brendon rolling around on the ground beside him. Beside him, because the bed is on the floor.
Spencer feels his lips twitch. “You broke the bed?” he asks, in what completely fails to be an innocent tone of voice.
THEY BROKE THE BED. I AM LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. I MAY NEVER STOP.
Brendon tries to speak and ends up just laughing harder. Ryan flops back on the bed, looking grumpy but also like he’s starting to see the humor in the situation. “He was all…” Ryan explains without explaining, waving his hand around vaguely. “On the bed, and I…”
Brendon practically shrieks, then pulls it together enough to create what must be a re-enactment, eyes going dramatically wide before he launches himself at Ryan on the bed. Ryan bats at him irritably, but not in earnest, and when Brendon starts laughing again and mashes his face against Ryan’s neck, Ryan actually reaches up to run his fingers through Brendon’s hair.
It's just adorable, okay. And I've said this before, but I like that this thing isn't all fucking, not entirely. In a way, you can see here the seeds Brendon and Ryan's future friendship, that they're going to get through this like Ryan and Spencer did. Well, not quite, because Ryan and Spencer started out as best friends, and this is kind of forging a deeper friendship for Brendon and Ryan. Still, though, you can see what I mean. This isn't going to fuck anything up for them. After this is over, they're probably just going to keep on acting like this, just, you know, without the sex. Okay, maybe Ryan will resist some of the touchier stuff for a while, but Brendon seems to have a very tactile approach to friendship. Plus, he's persistent. He'll wear Ryan down. *nods*
They’re both still dressed, so nothing must have happened yet, but Spencer isn’t going to bet on it staying that way for long. “I’ll just…” he says, starting to back away and close the door.
“No, wait,” Ryan says suddenly, sounding sharp and desperate. “Spence. Stay.” When Spencer freezes, he bites his lip and says, without meeting Spencer’s eyes, “It would be good to…not be tempted for a change. Just for a while.”
*sighs* Fine, Ryan. Cut my happy vibes in half. *hugs him*
Spencer considers for a minute. Then he says, “Okay,” and shuts the door.
-
“Why isn’t it over yet?” Ryan complains, one hand over his face. Brendon is lounging comfortably over his side, and apparently he was totally onto something with the physical contact, because Ryan is actually doing okay and not trying to maul him. Spencer thinks they must have just had sex in the shower, because both of them have damp hair and are wearing pajamas, so that probably helps as well.
“Just a few more days,” Spencer reminds him, and can’t help how relieved he feels when he says it, even though Ryan just groans like Spencer’s given him a death sentence.
Spencer as the glass half-full type, Ryan as the glass half-empty?
“I’m going to sleep so much,” Brendon announces, somehow scooting around so his legs are over Spencer’s while his head is pillowed on Ryan’s thigh. “So, so much.”
Cuddles! Panic boy cuddles!
Ryan just groans again, and rubs at his eyes, which are completely bloodshot. Spencer reaches out to catch his wrist without thinking, and rubs at his pulse point. “You need to take a night off and sleep,” he says. He’s ninety-nine percent certain Ryan didn’t sleep at all the night before, and it shows.
“Yes,” Ryan says emphatically, and then he catches on to what Spencer means and says just as emphatically, “No.”
“Yes,” Spencer echoes, while Brendon lifts his head up and says, “What?”
Mm, more Spencer&Ryan - but it's shared history this time, not just their psychic thing, that explains why Brendon is out of the loop, otherwise he might maybe kind of get it.
Spencer had to do this once last time, too, after Ryan’s girlfriend had dumped him not for being a nymphomaniac, but for becoming so jealously possessive that he wouldn’t let her out of his sight and lost his shit when he caught her hugging a male friend. Ryan had made it two days, going more and more crazy the whole time, and when locking Ryan in his room and sitting on his chest to keep him from going after her hadn’t worked anymore, Spencer had finally resorted to other means.
Other means. Jesus, Spencer. Can't you just feel the desperation combined with that faintest tinge of ominousness?
Ryan cracks an eye open and looks at him, reluctantly considering. Spencer pokes him in the chest. “You need a break,” he says, and Ryan groans again but doesn’t argue. He drops his head onto the covers and grumbles something that could possibly be interpreted as assent.
“Don’t get naked while I’m gone, I’m counting on you,” Spencer tells Brendon, and goes to get supplies.
-
Ryan makes a face when Spencer hands him the first shot, but he knocks it back without a word, and then makes an even more exaggerated face after he swallows. “I hate drinking,” he complains. Spencer hands him another shot.
“You’re going to hate it more in the morning, but you’ll also thank me,” Spencer predicts, and lets Brendon have a shot as well when he holds out his hand, because they have a whole bottle, which is more than enough to go around.
Spencer is probably right. He's just that good.
“This tastes terrible,” Brendon says, sounding impressed, although Spencer notices that he passes his glass back for a refill anyway.
“See what you can get for twenty bucks,” Spencer challenges, trying to pour without slopping liquor onto the bed. They might not notice it tonight, but it will reek tomorrow. “Stop it,” he adds, as Ryan’s hand starts wandering towards Brendon’s crotch. “Less touching, more drinking.”
Of course, he would have to be the one in charge here, because the other two are going to be too tipsy - which is actually the point, so.
Although know that I think of it, Spencer is very much the sober one in this relationship. Not in terms of alcohol consumption, but he's the metaphorical designated driver, if that makes any sense. He lets everyone else go out and get (metaphorically) drunk while he makes sure they don't do anything too stupid (yeah, that one's literal). Which, even though it's partially a self-chosen role, still kind of sucks for him.
Brendon starts giggling. He’s only had two shots, but then Brendon always has been a lightweight, so Spencer’s not really all that surprised. “You too,” he says for good measure, and tries not to smile when Brendon makes wide, wounded doe eyes at him and can only hold it for about five seconds without giggling again.
“This had better work,” Ryan grumbles, but he sounds more relaxed already, and Spencer’s calculations suggest he should be out cold within the next four shots.
Spencer's mind is always working, always practical, always with a little bit off to the side watching. It kind of makes you wonder what he's like during sex, if he lets go at all. Or am I the only one who wonders that?
...Who am I kidding, this is bandom. Of course I'm not the only one who wonders that.
“Break,” he announces, setting the bottle aside on the floor. “I want you to sleep, not die of alcohol poisoning.”
Ryan rolls his eyes. “Spencer’s mean,” he says, and Brendon laughs so hard he falls off the bed again.
-
“Spencer,” Ryan says earnestly, six shots in. “Spencer, you’re my best friend. In the whole world.”
Ryan drunk is always hilarious, but somehow having Brendon there laughing like a hyena just makes it funnier. “I know,” Spencer says solemnly. “Keep drinking.”
So funny, oh my god. The drunk antics are hysterical, and then you remember that they're doing this so that Brendon and Ryan can actually get some sleep, and it's a little angsty, too. Still funny, though.
“No, I want…” Ryan insists, and before he realizes what’s happening, Spencer has been tugged across Ryan’s lap and is being kissed, messily and with sincerity.
Spencer kisses him back, because otherwise Ryan will throw a fit, pout, and possibly start crying, but he keeps it as chaste as he can because he’s very aware, even if Ryan isn’t, of Brendon sitting just a few feet away watching them. “Hey,” he says when Ryan eases up a little. “I’m not having a threesome with you.”
Ryan looks confused, and then his gaze sharpens, predatory and hungry. “Brendon.”
Oops. Maybe not the best thing to call his attention to, Spencer.
“Drink,” Spencer says hastily, shoving another glass at Ryan before he has to physically wrestle them apart. Brendon’s had three shots and is drunk off his ass; Spencer isn’t counting on him being much of a help.
But, were he not drunk, he could be, which is good for Spencer to admit, even just in implication.
“Is he always like this?” Brendon asks, seeming fascinated by the spectacle that is Ryan when he’s intoxicated.
“Always,” Spencer says wearily, but it’s fond at the same time. Ryan makes another face at him and launches into his bossy Spencer impression, which Spencer tolerates because it’s Ryan’s eighth shot and he should be passing out any minute now. Also because it is actually pretty funny.
“Tired,” Ryan says abruptly, breaking off mid-Spencer-tirade and falling back onto the pillows. He closes his eyes and murmurs, “Brendon,” and Brendon squirms his way around into Ryan’s arms, nuzzling close until they’re curled together like puppies. Sleepy, drunk puppies.
Spencer’s putting the lid back on the bottle and getting ready to pass out himself when Ryan says, slurred and serious, “Love you.”
Spencer smiles faintly, flips the light switch and says, “Love you too.”
Cuties. *sighs* Puppies and Ryan's drunk-but-sincere declarations of love. Joy. Spencer's faint smile, though, takes me a little out of it - in a good way, of course. It's subtle, so we can't precisely tell what Spencer's thinking, if it's a fond smile or a tired smile or what, but. It's something.
-
They all sleep in late, even Spencer, who really has no excuse besides the fact that for once he can sleep without worrying about Ryan. Ryan’s phone goes off just after eleven, which sends them all stumbling bleary-eyed into the hallway to start getting ready for the day.
Oh, Spencer. You always have an excuse to sleep in, especially when you've got so many stressful things all spinning around on your plate.
Brendon bounces on his toes while he and Spencer crowd each other out for sink space to brush their teeth, humming something that sounds like Philadelphia Freedom.
“Stop being so cheerful,” Spencer warns, and Brendon just grins at him.
“I have such a headache,” he says. “Man, Ross is going to…”
Of course Brendon is cheerful when he has a hangover. *shakes head* God, I love that boy.
“Blargh,” Ryan says unintelligibly, shouldering past them and pushing the door closed until they’re both out in the hallway. Brendon laughs, and a second later the door opens and Ryan’s skinny arm shoots out to drag Brendon back in after him.
*snickers* I have nothing else to say. It's like a pornographic horror movie or something.
“Hey,” Spencer hears before the door closes again. “Ow, ow…oh.”
Spencer stands there for a minute trying to decide whether it’s worth interrupting them to reclaim his mouthwash, and finally decides he’d rather not cross Ryan with a hangover first thing in the morning.
Every time I read this, I get hit by this tinge of resignation. And maybe a tiny bit of exasperation because of the mouthwash, but mostly just resignation. He was talking to Brendon, then he gets pushed away and Ryan is sexing up his boy.
Also, this is probably kind of pointless, but there's a sort of cycle to this, in a way - first Brendon is the one getting pushed out of the RyanandSpencer circle of two, and now Spencer is alone, with Brendon and Ryan literally behind a closer door. Eventually, Ryan is going to be the one alone, before they find Jon, but after Spencer and Brendon hook up, even though that isn't covered in this story.
-
They work through dinner to make up for starting late, the pressure of a deadline finally starting to loom. Spencer watches the clock, but there’s really nothing he can do. He keeps his eyes open for an opportunity to take a break and hopes no one else notices that Ryan is undressing their lead singer with his eyes.
Can't you just hear his brain whirring?
Brendon seems oblivious, or maybe he’s just gotten used to it by now. He’s back to full energy, pounding out elaborate compositions on his keyboard and practicing rock star poses with an electric guitar. Ryan keeps creeping closer when they play, to the point that Spencer is inventing a cover story about this being practice for part of the stage act.
Brendon’s on top of a speaker and Ryan is staring hungrily and unabashedly at his ass when everything suddenly comes crashing down. Everything, in this case, meaning Brendon.
And at first this is just such an, "Oh, fuck" moment, combined with everything else that Spencer has been worrying about. However, as we'll find out in about a minute, not everything is as it seems to Spencer.
“Shit,” Spencer says when his tongue unfreezes, half-standing as Brendon folds into a crumpled heap over his ankle.
“Ow,” Brendon says weakly. “Okay, yeah, that hurt.”
“What did you do?” Brent asks, as if they didn’t all just watch him fall off of a speaker.
Oh, Brent. And oh, Spencer's annoyed dismissal of Brent.
“I think it’s okay,” Brendon says, making doe eyes at their assorted tech staff. “Maybe some ice? Sorry, guys, can we take ten? I’m just going to go prop it up on the bed and check it out. I’m really sorry.”
Sometimes Spencer wonders why they all constantly underestimate Brendon.
*fist pumps* Love. Also, Spencer is totally including himself in that. *grins* See, he doesn't have to be in charge of every situation. He doesn't have to worry about being the only one to take care of things.
“Can you make it on your own?” Spencer prompts, because Ryan doesn’t appear to have caught on yet.
Brendon makes a noble effort to stand, winces and falls back to the floor. “I think maybe…hey, Ross, can you help?”
Ryan unfreezes, and Spencer still isn’t sure that he’s figured out the ploy, but Brendon hooks his arm over Ryan’s shoulders and starts hobbling towards their bedroom, so Spencer assumes he’ll get it soon enough.
Spencer and Brendon are totally co-collaborators. Well, okay, they didn't originally collaborate on this, that was all Brendon, but Spencer prompts Ryan and Brendon takes his cue, and it's awesome. *grins* It feels a little like their brains are starting to work along the same wavelength. Spencer said earlier, "I've got your back. Both of us do." Brendon and Spencer have Ryan's back, and Brendon has Spencer's back. (Ryan does too, obviously, but his mind is a little foggy at the moment, poor dear.)
They all hang out for a couple of minutes, and then everyone pauses at the sound of a muffled moan. Spencer’s hoping it can be written off as a groan of pain.
“Hey, I think something’s out of tune on my kit,” he says loudly, slamming three things at once to make as much noise as possible. “Can everyone listen to it and tell me if it sounds off?”
He starts banging and crashing his way through a cacophony of sound, and hopes that Brendon is as fast as he is clever.
Told you; collaboration. Doesn't it make life so much better?
This is actually interesting to contrast to the scene where Spencer plays fussy artist, because that time, it was all Spencer and Ryan, and Brendon just got pulled in. This time, it's all three of them. (Or, depending on the way you look at it, the former was Spencer and Ryan, with Brendon getting pulled along. The latter is Brendon and Spencer, with Ryan getting pulled along. Either way works, I think.)
-
“Spencer Smith,” Brendon says, looking up pitifully from where he’s been banished, on a chair behind the keyboard. “I have to go. Potty break.”
“Okay,” Spencer says slowly, because Brendon over-shares on a regular basis, but not usually to this degree. Then Brendon holds both arms up, and Spencer huffs out an exasperated breath because seriously, this is going too far.
Not when you're Brendon, it isn't. Really, Spencer shouldn't be surprised by this.
“I want piggyback,” Brendon announces, and Spencer groans when Brendon hops up and wraps his arms around Spencer’s neck.
“Oh my God,” Spencer mutters. “You’re not even really hurt.”
“They don’t know that,” Brendon replies, soft and secretive next to Spencer’s ear. “I’m keeping up appearances.”
“I hate you,” Spencer tells him, nearly staggering into the wall when he tries to set Brendon down.
“It’s for the good of the band,” Brendon says solemnly, then winks and hops inside.
Oh, totally, Brendon. Definitely just for the good of the band. Just like when Spencer stares at you, it's not at all because he's secretly into you. *grins*
-
Spencer doesn’t even see it coming. One minute he’s rolling his eyes at Brendon’s theatrics, and the next he’s against the wall, with Ryan hissing dangerously, “Stop touching him.”
...Hoo boy. I love this quick back and forth, the easiness of the piggyback scene switching suddenly - and violently - to possessive!Ryan trying to strangle him.
Spencer’s first instinct is to fight, but he overrides it, makes sure not to struggle even though Ryan has both hands fisted in his collar, frighteningly close to his throat. He swallows, says carefully, “Ryan.”
There’s really nothing else he can do. No one else is in the hallway, Brendon’s in the bathroom, and Spencer really doesn’t want to yell for help and then have to explain why Ryan’s acting like a lunatic.
Oh, Spencer. Always, always, always so controlled, even when he's being half-choked by his sex-crazed best friend.
He sees sense slowly return to Ryan’s eyes, and then Ryan’s face is behind his hands, and he’s stepping back, muttering under his breath. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
And yet, it works. I see this as another demonstration of, in addition to Spencer's control, their friendship. Who but Spencer would be able to stand there without reacting while Ryan tries to kill him? What would Ryan stop for, if not Spencer's reassuringly steady calmness?
Spencer gives him a second, and then cautiously reaches out to touch Ryan’s arm. Ryan flinches away, but moves back in the next breath, coming in for a hug with his face hidden against Spencer’s neck. “I hate this,” he says, quiet and fierce. “I hate it, I hate it.”
God, boys. Can;t you just feel your heart breaking?
“I know,” Spencer says, holding Ryan tighter than he has in a long time, keeping him together. Ryan shudders, and Spencer is about to go tell the other guys that they’re done for the day when he feels someone else come up behind Ryan, sandwiching him in.
Ryan goes rigid, muscles tense. Spencer tries carefully, “Brendon, maybe now isn’t the best time.”
“I’m helping,” Brendon says, one arm creeping all the way around to Spencer while the other one worms between them to wrap around Ryan’s waist.
“You’re really not,” Ryan says, but he’s relaxing a little bit anyway, letting Brendon squeeze him.
“Group hug therapy, Ross,” Brendon says, like it’s something they should all know about and practice on a regular basis. “Feel the love.”
Part of Spencer wants to roll his eyes, but whatever magic Brendon has to get Ryan to lighten up is working, because Ryan starts laughing against Spencer’s neck. And if Spencer’s collar gets a little damp, he doesn’t say a thing.
*sighs happily* See, at first it seems like Spencer's right, and Brendon is kind of muscling his way in where he shouldn't be, but they're just underestimating him again. They're still getting used to Brendon's methods here; after all, it doesn't seem like it's been that long since they've really started becoming closer to Brendon. Maybe they were friends before, but I suspect it was more Brent-style friends, where they like him, but he's not in the circle.
He is now, though. And eventually, they're going to stop tensing up like that, because he's not going anywhere, and he's going to keep on hugging them until they're used to it.
I feel like part of the reason that this works so well, even if it does take some adjusting, is because Brendon isn't Ryan, isn't Spencer, and doesn't go about things like either of them do. That's not what they need.
Can't you just see it? If Brendon was just like Spencer, they'd end up butting heads all the time, each trying to pile on more responsibility for themselves. And two Ryans - Jesus. As much as I love the boy, no. There should not be more than one Ryan Ross in the world. I can't even see it working with him as a combination of the two of them.
So instead they have Brendon, and maybe its not the most comfortable thing for Spencer and Ryan to get used to at first, but whatever; variety is the spice of life, you have to let some new blood in, etc.
And then Ryan crying... *hugs*
-
Ryan sneaks into Spencer’s bed just after one in the morning, silently lifting up the covers and tucking himself up against Spencer’s side. Brent’s out with some of the other guys, hitting a party or something, whatever a college town has to offer in the summer, so the room is quiet for once.
“What is it?” Spencer asks, waking up immediately, already reaching to hit the lights. Ryan stops him with a hand on his wrist, and in the dim light Spencer can see him shaking his head.
Waking up immediately. Spencer probably lives perpetually on edge. He's always ready to deal with whatever crisis might be coming up - or he tries to be ready, in any case.
“I think it’s over,” he says, voice lowered even though Brendon is in the next room and probably passed out. “It feels like it, anyway.”
Spencer rubs his back and wakes up a little more, although his eyes close, because if Ryan just came to tell him things are back to normal, it means he can fall asleep again soon. “Yeah?”
Oh, Spencer. And he doesn't think he deserves to sleep in? He's just exhausted as the two of them. One of the reasons that this being almost over is so relieving is because it means that Spencer finally gets to relax, at least a little.
“Yeah.” Ryan’s quiet for a while, and Spencer thinks maybe he just needed to get out of his own room for a while, away from Brendon and the smell of sex, all the physical reminders of the past week. Then he adds quietly, “I think I know. Why it was Brendon.”
Brendon's not the only one who doesn't see his room as a haven.
Spencer rouses himself again, rolls over onto his side so he can actually see Ryan’s face, because this has the tone of a confession. He’s not sure what it will be or whether he really wants to hear it, but he’s going to listen in any case.
Ryan doesn’t say anything for so long that Spencer thinks he might need to be prompted, but then he finally breaks the silence. “I saw the way you looked at him. I think my subconscious or whatever decided that if I didn’t have anyone I felt that way about, I could still. I could trust anyone you looked at like that.”
Spencer feels like he can’t breathe, like there’s something sitting on his chest. “Ryan,” he starts, without knowing what he’s going to say, beyond a denial of some sort.
“Spencer,” Ryan interrupts, cutting him off in his brooking-no-arguments tone of voice, the one Spencer thinks Ryan may have picked up from Spencer’s mom. “I just wanted to say I was sorry. Even though I don’t think I could have stopped it. It’s still a shitty thing to do.”
“It’s not,” Spencer says, although he’s still trying to process that, to make sense of it. “I’m not…”
“Spence,” Ryan says, and even in the dark, Spencer can tell he’s making the ‘my best friend is an idiot’ face. “Don’t be stupid.”
“You’re stupid,” Spencer retorts. It’s one in the morning and Ryan’s dropping bombs, so his comebacks aren’t what they usually are.
“Your mom is stupid,” Ryan deadpans, and that’s when the elephant stops sitting on Spencer’s chest and he thinks it might just be okay, after all.
...
I got nothing. Okay, maybe I do, but I just wanted to take that moment to stop and smile sappily. Boys! Your mom jokes! Spencer knowing what face Ryan is making! Ryan knowing that Spencer has a crush, even when Spencer is barely willing to admit it to himself!
Ryan's explanation makes a lot of sense, but I actually see a hint of another motivation in there, although airgiodslv didn't intend it. (I did run it by her later, though, and she liked it, so, hey. *shrugs*) The thing is, if you've gotten this far in the commentary, you obviously know that in a larger sense, I see this as Ryan and Spencer opening up to let Brendon in. This involves that, but it's also more than that, too.
I think that, deep down, Ryan saw Spencer looking at Brendon and felt a little bit like Brendon was taking Spencer away, which Ryan obviously wasn't ready for. Thus, he does what he can to neutralize the threat by taking Brendon, and it all kind of factors into the "You're, uh. You're his right now" thing. Ryan didn't want to let Brendon in, and he definitely didn't want to let Spencer go, so he subconsciously tried to take control in the only way he really could. After all, Spencer and Brendon can't go off together if Ryan has already staked his claim on Brendon, can they? It's a guaranteed way to keep Spencer by Ryan, and to make sure that Brendon is too busy to really do anything.
Except, in the end, it just speeds up the process, and Ryan starts to come to terms with the way everything is going. Which is kind of the exact opposite of the original idea, but is probably better in the end.
-
“I’m becoming a born-again virgin,” Brendon announces the next morning, after sleeping until ten and eating at least half of everyone else’s breakfast. “Like Queen Elizabeth.”
*snickers* Because you can obviously convert to virginity like you would to Christianity. Plus, if Queen Elizabeth was a virgin, she wasn't born-again. She was just, you know. A virgin.
“Was she really?” Ryan asks, skeptical. Brendon ignores him and carries on waving his fork dramatically.
“I’m never having sex again. Well,” he considers, pausing. “That might be drastic. But at least a year.”
Hie thee to a nunnery, Brendon. *grins* I love this scene so much, although occasionally I wonder where Brent is.
“A year, huh?” Ryan says, smirking. Spencer kicks him under the table.
And Ryan! I love seeing Ryan so amused and not-angsty. This is really just a relief, for all of them.
“Six months,” Brendon amends, clearly thinking it over. “Maybe three months. I’ve been ravaged, I need time to heal.”
Ryan rolls his eyes in a way that somehow manages to be more eloquent than words ever could. Spencer studiously focuses on his breakfast, or at least what’s left of it after Brendon got to it.
“I could be persuaded to less by the right person. You are not the right person, Ross,” Brendon says sternly, looking over his glasses like some kind of elderly maiden librarian. Spencer laughs, and Brendon’s eyes cut slyly sideways, and that’s when Spencer realizes that Brendon is flirting. With him.
!!!!!!!!
...Yeah, that's pretty much the only way to articulate it. Can't you just feel the release of tension? Suddenly they're all free, they're all friends, and now Brendon and Spencer can start a courtship that feels like it's been delayed for years. And they can all just be teenage boys again, without having to worry so much about everything.
Spencer clears his throat and stretches out a little. His chest feels tight suddenly, and kind of tingly. “Three months of born-again virginity?” he asks casually.
Brendon’s grin grows a little around the edges, making Ryan snort laughter and possibly milk as well. “I’m still thinking it over,” he says. “Talk to me next week.”
I can't even explain how gleeful I am, or how much I love this story. I feel like if my heart gets any bigger, it won't fit into my chest. *grins*
God, I could just live in this story.