What Words Can't Do [1/4]
Title: What Words Can't Do [1/4]
Rating: PG-13
Length: 12,292
Pairing: Kai/D.O., Minor Luhan/Sehun
Summary: Things are always the same for Kai. Day after day, his life has been the same for as long as he could remember. The psychiatric ward he grew up in the only place he has ever known, Kai is stuck in the vicious cycle of routine, everything uniform and immutable. Until the arrival of his new nurse, Do Kyungsoo. And suddenly things aren't so predictable or unchanging, and they are definitely not the same.
A sweet melody and soothing words kissed Kai's ears, and he stirred from his sleep, sitting up on his cramped bed. The foreign voice--it was so sensual, and it sent shivers down Kai's spine--he heard drifting down the hall lifted his spirits, making him forget for just a moment that he wasn't in the white walled box. A hospital some liked to call it, the more cynical preferring loony bin, crazy house, cuckoo’s nest; home is what Kai called it. He had been there as long as he could remember (which wasn’t much, mostly just from his pre-teen years and up; everything before that was just darkness). He forgets why he’s there.
Memories of his childhood consisted of birthdays in the plain walled room, the nurses and aids his only guests and in a twisted sense, friends. They gifted him the same thing year every year, as if he would forget that they had given him the same thing last year: a sketchpad. "For you to express yourself. It's good for self expression." The nurse would smile and explain stupidly to Kai, almost as if he was crazy or something.
But he wasn’t crazy.
Kai knew from the bottom of his heart-he thought about this often-that he wasn’t crazy.
**
And somewhere in between the birthdays, the seasons came and went, just like the patients at the hospital, drifting in and out, leaving Kai behind. He was still stuck in the same unchanging white room with the same unchanging life.
“Why am I here?” Kai, now just at the threshold of adolescence, asked the nurse suddenly one day. This was before Kai was exposed to reality that came with getting older, and the world began to distort into painful new ways, taking all the innocence of childhood with it.
“Because you’re sick.” His nurse replied guarded, trying to hide her uneasiness with a learned smile and facile words.
Kai looks down at his hands, and is a little confused, because he feels perfectly fine.
“Will I ever get better?” He looked up at her, his amber eyes youthful and exuberant, shining with genuine curiosity and undertones of hope.
And like everything at the hospital, the answer was always unchanging. Even when his nurses changed, he would still get the answer that he soon began anticipating, already knowing before he even asked.
“Maybe.”
**
Kai frowned a little when he heard the singing stop outside. He swung his legs over the bed, and padded silently over to his door, the linoleum tiles cold on his bare feet. He opened the door a smidge more and peeked out, hoping to find out why the singing had ceased.
"Yes, I'm the new nurse, Do Kyungsoo." A small wide-eyed male, clad in a simple white uniform-the standard nurse uniform at the hospital-held his hand out for the older gentleman standing in front of him to take. The latter looked at Kyungsoo’s hand before taking it, shaking it slowly.
“I’m assuming you read the patient files?”
Kyungsoo nodded. “Is he in his room right now?”
“Yes. He hasn’t acted up in a while, not since his last nurse left, but just to be safe, we’ll have another nurse outside the door should something go wrong…” the other trailed off, and Kai didn’t miss the look he gave Kyungsoo before walking off, down the never ending grey hall (At least Kai didn’t think there was an end)
“It’s pointless. There nothing you can do.” The man seemed to be saying, without saying anything at all.
**
Two small knocks on the door.
Kai lets out a childish giggle, accustomed to people barging in as they pleased, and this sudden concept of ‘privacy’ made Kai giddy.
“You can come in!~” Kai singsonged, in a better mood now that he had forgotten about the mysterious singing that had so abruptly stopped earlier.
Kyungsoo opened the door cautiously, and then hesitated, contemplating if he should close the door behind him, unsure if he was allowed to.
He chooses to close it anyways.
“You’re Kim Jongin right?” He smiles a little (Kai thinks he has a nice smile, but it’s a little awkward and seems sort of forced), trying to seem friendly and inviting.
“No, I’m Kai!~” Kai walks over to Kyungsoo, and loops his arm around the older boy’s.
Kyungsoo looks a bit taken aback, surprised at the sudden contact with someone who was basically a stranger.
After regaining his composure, he scribbles something down onto the manila file folder he is holding in his left hand, before continuing, “Er right. Kai then. I’m your new nurse. I’m just here to find out some more about you, since we’re going to be friends from now on, right?” And this time Kyungsoo’s smile seems more genuine as he waits for Kai to respond.
“Ah, another friend for Kai?” Kai pauses before returning the smile.
Kyungsoo scribbles something else down onto the file.
“What are you writing?” Kai peeks over Kyungsoo’s shoulder.
He already knows exactly what Kyungsoo is writing down. It’s the same thing they always write down when they first meet him. But Kai asks anyways.
And to Kai’s surprise, Kyungsoo doesn’t hide the folder, as if he wasn’t holding all of Kim Jongin’s dirty secrets; he holds the folder out for Kai to read, but Kai doesn’t even glance at it.
“Just some things that I want to remember about you. Things that will help me get to know you better.” Kyungsoo responds conversationally to Kai’s question; He talks comfortably now, as if he was talking to a friend he had known forever.
Kai lets go of Kyungsoo’s arm, and breaks out into a grin before full on hugging the nurse.
If it was possible, Kyungsoo’s eyes seem to bug out a little more than before. Kai feels something tingle somewhere inside, and he thinks that this is even cuter than when he smiles.
And Kai, even though Kyungsoo can’t see it, smiles wider. He liked his new nurse already.
With his new nurse, Kai expected there would be a new routine.
At first, he is sorely disappointed to find that everything is still the same. The days pass, then weeks, and soon months have gone by and everything is still the same. Unchanging.
But it doesn’t bother Kai as much as he thought it would, because Kyungsoo’s presence makes each day a little different, and in many ways, a little better. Soon the days go by quickly-somewhat mechanically-but Kai wakes up knowing that he has something to look forward to.
Kyungsoo would be there. Kyungsoo would be there everyday.
Some days they would talk-about anything and everything. And when Kyungsoo would laugh his laugh, soft and harmonious, like a bell, Kai would find himself laughing too. And when Kyungsoo would smile his small awkward grin, Kai would find himself smiling too. And one night as Kai was restlessly tossing and turning, trying to sleep (or rather, waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in) he realized he had his first real friend.
With each passing day, Kai felt his attachment to Kyungsoo growing more and more, and soon Kai began to wonder if Kyungsoo felt the same way.
**
“Kyungsoo-ah.” Kai mewls one day, as his nurse comes in for his routine morning check up. Kyungsoo sets down the small plastic container that holds Kai’s vitamins and medication on the table by his bedside.
“Yes?”
“Do you like me?” Kai asks abruptly, coming up behind his nurse before giving a back hug.
“Kai, what have I told you about touching others?” Kyungsoo tries to seem stern, but Kai knows that he’ll still get away with touching the older boy; he always does.
“I know, but it’s just you Kyungie~” Kai hugs Kyungsoo tighter as he says it and Kyungsoo lets out a little squeak as he feels himself asphyxiating under the crushing arms of the other.. The younger boy was a lot stronger than he looked.
“And what did I tell you about calling me weird names?” Kyungsoo fails at sounding stern this time as he lets out a struggled laugh (damn, Kai was really strong) at Kai’s endearing nickname.
Kyungsoo eventually manages to remove himself from Kai and somehow persuades him to take his medicine.
Kai looks out the window as Kyungsoo begins cleaning up his room and filling out his charts that usually bore Kai to sleep. From his room on the fourth floor, the people below look puny, like ants, and he picks up his thumb and forefinger, squishing the tiny figures below him. He stops when he notices a small blue bird fly by, its wings fluttering gently before it lands in its nest gracefully. Kai is entranced. In the open blue sky, its wings spread out, drifting about freely. Utter freedom, and no restraints. Having nowhere to be, but somewhere to go.
Kai knew what he wanted to do now.
“I want to fly!” Kai declares, bouncing over to where the nurse is now filling out the charts.
Kyungsoo stops filling out the charts looks up at Kai, amused. “And why would you want to do that?”
“The birds look so happy. They seem to be having so much fun~ They can go anywhere they want! I want to do that too.”
Kyungsoo nods thoughtfully at Kai’s explanation before commenting, “Ok, I’ll see what I can do.”
Kai glomps Kyungsoo to show how happy he is. It doesn’t express half of what he’s feeling right now, and Kai knows that no words could.
Does he know?
Does he know how happy he makes me?
Does he know how he makes me feel understood?
Does he know how he makes my heart race, and my face heat up, and my stomach flutter?
Does he know he makes me feel alive?
Does he know how much I love him?
And Kai is positive that Do Kyungsoo doesn’t know any of this when he leans over and softly presses his lips to Kyungsoo’s. And when he feels Kyungsoo body go rigid with surprise, or maybe even digust, he thinks that he still doesn’t understand. But Kai doesn’t care because he needs Kyungsoo to understand. Kai continues to kiss Kyungsoo with growing intensity, fisting the nurse’s gown to calm his growing desire, unsure of what he is doing, but sure of what he wants. And when Kyungsoo finally lets out a small whimper before wrapping his arms around Kai’s neck, returning Kai’s kisses, Kai thinks that Do Kyungsoo might understand a little bit after all.
Part 2