(no subject)
Right now is one of those moments where I feel REALLY inspired to write about all that is coming to mind. Yup... one a those moments. LoL.
Today I ask myself where that little girl went. That little girl that I used to be.
The girl who loved:
*trying on wedding dresses
*german boys
*planning the wedding of her dreams
*being in love
*loving others without fear
....and the list goes on.
i'm not that little girl anymore. i don't try on wedding dresses. the last man i dated was part german and my heart wasn't for him. i've given up on love for me. and i'm too afraid of hurt. and i am closer to being a lesbian than straight. ever since i stoped trying to persue boys my love life has taken a weird turn of fate. meaning... i have lots of problems in that department. that's the best way i can describe it. i fall too fast, but i dont let anyone know that. only i know that. and i can't help that my heart is very attached... even when it is for more than one person. of course i love to lie to myself and tell myself i dont have these feelings at all. i guess i feel like it would be better if i pretended i didn't feel it. then i could save myself from hurt. lol. but she was right... i dont want to miss out on the chance to be truely loved... but that in itself is crazy talk. i dont know if the feeling is mutual. i love my friendships. i don't want to lose that for anything in the world.
...and how the fuck did this turn into my stupid love rant??
so, i couldn't sleep. yep. 04.31 in the morning and i'm not asleep yet. why is this? i shall tell you why. it had to do with the butterflies in my stomach. it was making it difficult for me to go to bed. it was a "nervous" feeling. or it could also be interpreted for a "love" stupid feeling. but that's impossible... someone told me it's ok for it to be the love feeling. that it was just a reaction to a certain someone. LoL. crazy talk as well. uff! well...maybe it's not that crazy! but still. the other person told me to follow my heart... that's no good advice either. LoL. i know! i know! i give that advice all the time..but you dont know the situation really between the people. and i'm not about to explain it either. it's a mystery, and i plan on keeping it that way. LoL. oh my. well, the advice givers obviously know about only one of the people. but yeah.... ufft. follow my heart. hmmmm. well, if i were to do that...i'm end up not doing a damn thing. rejection sucks. and so does losing friendship. oh! and so does landing flat on my face. haha. LoL. oh my. ok, i need to stop...
...this is getting nowhere fast. i'm just taking my brain for a roller-coaster ride and it's going in circles. and that is never any fun if you ask me. because my stomach is definitely doing that weird butterfly thing again. and that really sucks!! i want to push the idea of love out the window and pretend like the thought never came a knockin. i can't hide from it forever, and i know that. but why does it have to bother me right now!?? of all times in my life! i don't need this!!
Today I ask myself where that little girl went. That little girl that I used to be.
The girl who loved:
*trying on wedding dresses
*german boys
*planning the wedding of her dreams
*being in love
*loving others without fear
....and the list goes on.
i'm not that little girl anymore. i don't try on wedding dresses. the last man i dated was part german and my heart wasn't for him. i've given up on love for me. and i'm too afraid of hurt. and i am closer to being a lesbian than straight. ever since i stoped trying to persue boys my love life has taken a weird turn of fate. meaning... i have lots of problems in that department. that's the best way i can describe it. i fall too fast, but i dont let anyone know that. only i know that. and i can't help that my heart is very attached... even when it is for more than one person. of course i love to lie to myself and tell myself i dont have these feelings at all. i guess i feel like it would be better if i pretended i didn't feel it. then i could save myself from hurt. lol. but she was right... i dont want to miss out on the chance to be truely loved... but that in itself is crazy talk. i dont know if the feeling is mutual. i love my friendships. i don't want to lose that for anything in the world.
...and how the fuck did this turn into my stupid love rant??
so, i couldn't sleep. yep. 04.31 in the morning and i'm not asleep yet. why is this? i shall tell you why. it had to do with the butterflies in my stomach. it was making it difficult for me to go to bed. it was a "nervous" feeling. or it could also be interpreted for a "love" stupid feeling. but that's impossible... someone told me it's ok for it to be the love feeling. that it was just a reaction to a certain someone. LoL. crazy talk as well. uff! well...maybe it's not that crazy! but still. the other person told me to follow my heart... that's no good advice either. LoL. i know! i know! i give that advice all the time..but you dont know the situation really between the people. and i'm not about to explain it either. it's a mystery, and i plan on keeping it that way. LoL. oh my. well, the advice givers obviously know about only one of the people. but yeah.... ufft. follow my heart. hmmmm. well, if i were to do that...i'm end up not doing a damn thing. rejection sucks. and so does losing friendship. oh! and so does landing flat on my face. haha. LoL. oh my. ok, i need to stop...
...this is getting nowhere fast. i'm just taking my brain for a roller-coaster ride and it's going in circles. and that is never any fun if you ask me. because my stomach is definitely doing that weird butterfly thing again. and that really sucks!! i want to push the idea of love out the window and pretend like the thought never came a knockin. i can't hide from it forever, and i know that. but why does it have to bother me right now!?? of all times in my life! i don't need this!!