update
it appears that any talk of me being "on drugs" has come to an end... unless they're talking out of my range of hearing, but I'm sure it has stopped.
I'm feeling better than I did when I wrote that. I'm still feeling the effects of my depression, but it is less depressing.
I still have wicked sleep issues, but, I am getting more sleep, not much more, but enough to make me feel more human.
I don't have that constant "fragile" feeling where any extreme happy or sad thing makes me want to cry. I haven't cried, but have been close. and it was just stupid things. If I watched "the color purple" i probably would have been inconsolable!
I'm still down, but I'm sure I'll get up again soon enough. It seems that sleep is the key, though, it is the hardest thing for me to achieve. It seems staying up late and taking an over the counter sleep aid is working for now. What I wouldn't give for an Ambien or Klonipin!
I'll concede with one thing, I could possibly be losing weight. It isn't intentional, but it is nice. It is a side effect of not drinking beer or other alcohol mixed with not eating fast food. I havent had either in a long time. It could be that I'm eating less at dinner too. I mean, another example, a side dish was french fries this week... they were undercooked and hard and i threw them away. If they were cooked well, I would have pigged out on them.
So, no fast food, no beer and other people being shitty cooks and forcing me to eat less has been helpful in some ways, I guess.
One thing I'm annoyed with is that I know people who don't ever work, they live off the system, that I've paid into, and they're off to NYC, they're off doing fabulous things on the state's dime... what's sad is when I needed help from that system, I got nothing. why? because I worked and I made money and they go by what I made, not what I make to determine if I'm worthy of help. since these people made nothing, they get all the free shit they want, healthcare, food, a small cash allowance, all free from the state. they get to go to NYC, they get to go out drinking every night, they get all these rewards for nothing. then again, I don't have HIV. If I had it the state would throw lots of free stuff at me. I guess I'm annoyed at the system, I see others use it the wrong way and it pisses me off that when I needed it, I couldn't get anything because I actually worked leading up to my fall from grace.
Ok, I feel better saying that so I don't have to yell at the people someday when I've had a few too many drinks lol.
I want to say things are better. mentally, maybe things are a bit better, but there are so many other things that are the same that need to be fixed. I think one step at a time would apply here. now that my head seems to be back on a little more straight, I might work towards fixing other problems I have.
It's sad that I know the one thing that could solve everything (in the interim, but would probably cause problems later) is money. let's say I won the lottery. I could buy a condo, a car, pay off all my debt and live with money in the bank. People say $1 million is not a lot of money, but to me, it'd solve everything. Goodbye Sallie Mae, here's your check, go fuck yourself and leave me alone. Any other things waiting to be paid off will be paid off. I think I like the fantasy of living debt-free. It's a fantasy, of course, but it's nice to think of a better life. It's nice to think of living in a warm place when we've gotten over 7 feet of snow since 2014 started. I know I'll never get the feeling of financial security, but it's a nice fantasy. it's funny that money is the cause and the solution to problems. I'm sure if I worried less about it the sleep would come easier at night.
ok, I'm just blabbing about nothing important now, I suppose I should have some lunch and get to work on fixing my life.
I'm feeling better than I did when I wrote that. I'm still feeling the effects of my depression, but it is less depressing.
I still have wicked sleep issues, but, I am getting more sleep, not much more, but enough to make me feel more human.
I don't have that constant "fragile" feeling where any extreme happy or sad thing makes me want to cry. I haven't cried, but have been close. and it was just stupid things. If I watched "the color purple" i probably would have been inconsolable!
I'm still down, but I'm sure I'll get up again soon enough. It seems that sleep is the key, though, it is the hardest thing for me to achieve. It seems staying up late and taking an over the counter sleep aid is working for now. What I wouldn't give for an Ambien or Klonipin!
I'll concede with one thing, I could possibly be losing weight. It isn't intentional, but it is nice. It is a side effect of not drinking beer or other alcohol mixed with not eating fast food. I havent had either in a long time. It could be that I'm eating less at dinner too. I mean, another example, a side dish was french fries this week... they were undercooked and hard and i threw them away. If they were cooked well, I would have pigged out on them.
So, no fast food, no beer and other people being shitty cooks and forcing me to eat less has been helpful in some ways, I guess.
One thing I'm annoyed with is that I know people who don't ever work, they live off the system, that I've paid into, and they're off to NYC, they're off doing fabulous things on the state's dime... what's sad is when I needed help from that system, I got nothing. why? because I worked and I made money and they go by what I made, not what I make to determine if I'm worthy of help. since these people made nothing, they get all the free shit they want, healthcare, food, a small cash allowance, all free from the state. they get to go to NYC, they get to go out drinking every night, they get all these rewards for nothing. then again, I don't have HIV. If I had it the state would throw lots of free stuff at me. I guess I'm annoyed at the system, I see others use it the wrong way and it pisses me off that when I needed it, I couldn't get anything because I actually worked leading up to my fall from grace.
Ok, I feel better saying that so I don't have to yell at the people someday when I've had a few too many drinks lol.
I want to say things are better. mentally, maybe things are a bit better, but there are so many other things that are the same that need to be fixed. I think one step at a time would apply here. now that my head seems to be back on a little more straight, I might work towards fixing other problems I have.
It's sad that I know the one thing that could solve everything (in the interim, but would probably cause problems later) is money. let's say I won the lottery. I could buy a condo, a car, pay off all my debt and live with money in the bank. People say $1 million is not a lot of money, but to me, it'd solve everything. Goodbye Sallie Mae, here's your check, go fuck yourself and leave me alone. Any other things waiting to be paid off will be paid off. I think I like the fantasy of living debt-free. It's a fantasy, of course, but it's nice to think of a better life. It's nice to think of living in a warm place when we've gotten over 7 feet of snow since 2014 started. I know I'll never get the feeling of financial security, but it's a nice fantasy. it's funny that money is the cause and the solution to problems. I'm sure if I worried less about it the sleep would come easier at night.
ok, I'm just blabbing about nothing important now, I suppose I should have some lunch and get to work on fixing my life.