drugs.
I'm not posting this to facebook because I like my somewhat lack of an audience on here.
Apparently people think I'm on drugs. I'm not. People don't realize walls are thin and I have great hearing.
reasons I'm apparently on drugs: I spend too much time alone being anti-social locked in my bedroom. I apparently don't eat. I must be self-medicating, right?
no. there's simple reasons for my behavior. The dogs in this house are fucking annoying, I can't so much open my door without a chorus of howling dogs. that noise grates on my last damn nerve. I don't want to listen to it, so I try to prevent it. I'm perfectly content socializing online and on my phone, so I'm not actually being anti-social... I'm just avoiding people in real life and howling animals.
and not eating? I wish! I admit at dinner, I'm picky, which isn't new. but I also get tired of repetition. I also get grossed out easily, so if I bite into something in my burger that reminds me that I'm eating an animal, I'm done. If the side of french fries is undercooked, I'm not going to eat that either. what I don't eat at dinner I most certainly make up for somewhere else during the day/evening. believe me, I'm not dropping any pounds or starving myself.
I get the paranoia. I have a sibling in rehab. But, I'm not sitting in my room stabbing myself with needles. the strongest thing I take is Benadryl and the occasional Advil.
I'm not acting my normal self, that's true, but it isn't to the extreme that people would think I was high, or maybe people around me are just looking for those signs that aren't there because of my brother and his wife.
I'll admit that I am dealing with Depression, which I've been dealing with for years, so I may be a bit withdrawn. I'm not on my medication anymore because I can't afford it. So add my everyday depression with my usual Winter depression without medication, it's a lot to deal with on my own.
it doesn't help that I was just rejected from a job I interviewed for. There are a lot of shit things I'm dealing with and the fact that I have kept it together this long without meds is a miracle. there's a lot I keep to myself. there's a lot of disappointment in my life, there are many ways I'm stuck in a rut and am trying to get myself out of it and back on track. Sometimes when I say "I'm fine" I am lying, but it's just my way of dealing and processing.
so no, I'm not high, I'm not on anything, I haven't even had many beers in 2014. I'm just depressed, sleep deprived, easily annoyed by animals and sick of eating the same meals. I suppose I'll have to come out and say all this to those I've overheard before it becomes some kind of shit talking behind my back throughout my extended family. but, I really don't feel like talking about things. I just look at it as another conversation to avoid having. I know putting things off is the wrong way to deal, but it all gets dealt with eventually.
I do have an overwhelming urge to pack my necessities up and just go somewhere new... but last time I had that thought I ended up in Orlando and miserable. it's all a cycle.
this isn't as well thought out as I thought it would be, and frankly I don't feel better getting this out of my system. I'll get through it.
I just wish I were allowed to deal with my depression without being asked constantly if I'm ok or if something is wrong or without being accused of being on something because I'm anti-social and hate certain foods.
Oy.
EDIT:
After posting I got up to use the bathroom... howling dog chorus!
Apparently people think I'm on drugs. I'm not. People don't realize walls are thin and I have great hearing.
reasons I'm apparently on drugs: I spend too much time alone being anti-social locked in my bedroom. I apparently don't eat. I must be self-medicating, right?
no. there's simple reasons for my behavior. The dogs in this house are fucking annoying, I can't so much open my door without a chorus of howling dogs. that noise grates on my last damn nerve. I don't want to listen to it, so I try to prevent it. I'm perfectly content socializing online and on my phone, so I'm not actually being anti-social... I'm just avoiding people in real life and howling animals.
and not eating? I wish! I admit at dinner, I'm picky, which isn't new. but I also get tired of repetition. I also get grossed out easily, so if I bite into something in my burger that reminds me that I'm eating an animal, I'm done. If the side of french fries is undercooked, I'm not going to eat that either. what I don't eat at dinner I most certainly make up for somewhere else during the day/evening. believe me, I'm not dropping any pounds or starving myself.
I get the paranoia. I have a sibling in rehab. But, I'm not sitting in my room stabbing myself with needles. the strongest thing I take is Benadryl and the occasional Advil.
I'm not acting my normal self, that's true, but it isn't to the extreme that people would think I was high, or maybe people around me are just looking for those signs that aren't there because of my brother and his wife.
I'll admit that I am dealing with Depression, which I've been dealing with for years, so I may be a bit withdrawn. I'm not on my medication anymore because I can't afford it. So add my everyday depression with my usual Winter depression without medication, it's a lot to deal with on my own.
it doesn't help that I was just rejected from a job I interviewed for. There are a lot of shit things I'm dealing with and the fact that I have kept it together this long without meds is a miracle. there's a lot I keep to myself. there's a lot of disappointment in my life, there are many ways I'm stuck in a rut and am trying to get myself out of it and back on track. Sometimes when I say "I'm fine" I am lying, but it's just my way of dealing and processing.
so no, I'm not high, I'm not on anything, I haven't even had many beers in 2014. I'm just depressed, sleep deprived, easily annoyed by animals and sick of eating the same meals. I suppose I'll have to come out and say all this to those I've overheard before it becomes some kind of shit talking behind my back throughout my extended family. but, I really don't feel like talking about things. I just look at it as another conversation to avoid having. I know putting things off is the wrong way to deal, but it all gets dealt with eventually.
I do have an overwhelming urge to pack my necessities up and just go somewhere new... but last time I had that thought I ended up in Orlando and miserable. it's all a cycle.
this isn't as well thought out as I thought it would be, and frankly I don't feel better getting this out of my system. I'll get through it.
I just wish I were allowed to deal with my depression without being asked constantly if I'm ok or if something is wrong or without being accused of being on something because I'm anti-social and hate certain foods.
Oy.
EDIT:
After posting I got up to use the bathroom... howling dog chorus!