Ellipsis: Wishing you were somehow here again
Yeah, that's the title of a Phantom of the Opera song. Yeah, I'm a loser. At least I've gotten past the first step and admitted to having a problem, right?
Actually, that subject does have something to do with this post, which is another Ellipsis post. It's nothing bad, no, nothing like that. In fact, "It's up, up, up I'm headin' for this evening / And it's up, up, up I'm headed for the clouds." I have little butterflies playing tag in my belly right now just thinking about the steps we've been taking and the moves we've been making, the booties we've been shaking to get to where we'll be two months from now and to get to where we are right now. I am so impressed with my own progress as well as that of the rest of the group but I know we have a long haul and a long road ahead of us.
One thing I've been thinking about isn't actually related to this year's performance at all, or it is, and they're so inextricably linked that I can't unknot them from each other. Anyway, that is what will happen to us after this Anime Oasis comes and leaves us all with a massive con hangover. ^^6 I refuse to let this group fall apart and I refuse to move out of Boise and never look back once at the friends I've made by joining Ellipsis last summer. No way would I betray them by ignoring and neglecting them. They brought me into the fold when they knew I was Chelsea's friend, and they accepted me anyway, helped me every single step of the way, and have gotten me out of my shell and willing to voice my opinions. Six months ago, I would never have told Mandy in person - and bluntly - that I wanted a portion of our performance cut, but on Friday, I did just that. I was desperate to correct the mistakes brought on by a certain party's weakness, so to speak; I was determined to be the Gundam come to rectify that person's mistakes. And I wanted Ellipsis to like me! I'd spent a whole con wishing I could find a better way to curry their favor and feeling inadequate, like I was a bad cosplayer and not worth their time. When I got into the group, I had to prove myself and I've felt like I've failed time and again. I have breakdowns and scream at people - and at myself - when I don't get a dance right. I don't sew well enough to stitch my way out of a potato sack. I spend most of my time at the meetings distracting people with pervy comments and penis jokes instead of being useful, even by doing small tasks like cutting threads or pinning patterns.
I'm not saying this to try to get Mandy and Holly in here, telling me how great I am, or anything like that. I'm saying it because I want to progress as a cosplayer and there's so much more I need to learn. I think it's that way for all of us but especially for me because this is the first costume I feel like I truly have a hand in, and even then it's not one that I have made for myself. I owe Holly more than I can say for her patience and diligence in putting together this Atoli costume for a person who doesn't know what she's doing. I never meant for it to be Holly's project in addition to her Alkaid cosplay, but that's how it's become and I wish it didn't have to be that way. It's why I want so badly to get my own sewing machine and some mock-up fabric and just start working as best I can to figure out how this whole cosplay madness works, firsthand, not just through watching other people bring my costumes to life. That kind of thing depresses me because at the end of the day, when I'm telling Zelly what we did at the meeting, it's always, "Holly did this on my cosplay and Mandy did that, and Holly had me do this but then she did blah." I almost never do any of it. Makes me feel guilty. I need more skills and I need some more confidence in myself - and the latter is something that this group has given me.
If someone told me last AO that soon, I would be not only joining a cosplay group that takes itself seriously and values hard work on well-made costumes, I'd probably be like, "I'm not good enough to join something like that. Go ask someone else." I wouldn't see myself onstage and I wouldn't put on a skirt that barely covers my butt, even in bloomers, and then get onstage. If somebody told me last AO that I would soon be working hard to prove that I deserve trust and friendship from a group who've seen a lot of loss, betrayal, and bitchiness, I would blow that person off because I've never really felt the need to prove myself to anyone other than Zelly. With Ellipsis, those things changed. I had to start working on dancing and on my worries over being onstage in front of hundreds of people. I had to start working on my body and how shy I am about showing it. I'm not ashamed to be modest about my body; I think too few people anymore are glad to cover up and keep that sort of thing where it belongs: in private. But I am ashamed of how badly I treat my body, eating junk food, rarely exercising, and hating myself every step of the way. Ellipsis gave me a goal and I'm working toward it.
There's a file on this computer in which I made a table. In that table, every single day from January 19 to March 12 is laid out. That's a little under two months' worth of dates. There's a column for me to check off whether I did one hundred crunches each day, a column for twenty-five sit-ups each day, a column for 20-30 minutes of climbing up and down stairs (an exercise I really enjoy because I can build it into my school schedule and use the eight-storey Education Building as my gym), and a column where I have to fill in what other exercises or alternatives I did. Thursday and Friday nights, Zelly and I walked for three and four miles, respectively; I do leg lifts and scissors every day and am thinking about adding squats and lunges, too. But anyway...I'd like to share the goals that I wrote above that bigass table. These are the goals that Ellipsis has given me, and they may seem small, petty, and very selfish, but I think they're going to help me in the long run.
1. to lose at least 5 lbs by March 12, 2009
2. to lose at least 2-3 inches around my waist by March 12, 2009
3. to be proud of the way I look in my Atoli costume by March 12, 2009
4. to tone my legs, especially my thighs, so I look good in my Atoli cosplay by March 12, 2009
5. to continue to practice the stage performance dance routines at least once a week every week till March 12, 2009
I've made lots of weight loss goals before, I've exercised before, I've dieted before. It didn't work because I didn't have a specific goal in mind, complete with deadline, and it didn't work because I didn't have a group of people who don't know they're cheering me on, but are doing so every single time I put on that Atoli costume. I'm inspired to do better because nothing would hurt me more than losing their friendship, except letting them down. If I see Mandy's face fall for any reason when I'm in my costume, it will break my heart and make me want to work myself to the bone to improve so she and Holly can't be ashamed of me. I know they wouldn't be, because they're my friends, but that's how I am; I have to feel like I'm making my friends proud, not just me. I have to know that I'm doing this group justice when we walk into that con and bring the fire.
Thinking about being this close, with the end in sight, sends my spirit leaping like the rabbit that didn't quite get to the moon, but is about to join its brother there. I've had other cosplays that were like Apollo 13s of cosplay - they looked good until I was almost there, and then there was a malfunction - but this cosplay will be Apollo 11 because I have Ellipsis backing me up. I'd fight for them, beg and steal for them, walk on broken glass and glowing white coals for them, and I will look good in that costume for them. That said, I was messing around online and looking at the photos of everyone in the group in their Xenosaga costumes and all I could think was, "I wish I had been there." I looked up Xenosaga characters and sighed wistfully, wishing I could have been Pellegri or Miyuki or hell, even Juli. I'm glad for what I have this year. It's enough. But there's that irritating little part of me, the part that needs to STFU and get over it, that thinks it isn't quite enough, no, and wants to have been there. But if I had been there, this experience would not be the same for me. It might not have this same meaning, and I don't want to lose that!
In the words of Heero Yuy (yes, dub version), "I...I will...I will survive!" This is a test of character and I will pass it. "You will unite or you will fall." I can't see us falling apart or giving up, not now, not when we've cleared all the hurdles but getting the costumes done and getting done learning and performing the dance, and those aren't things that worries me. What worries me is being able to walk into the con, look fabulous, and know that I am a credit to this group of my friends. ♥ I know they are a credit to me. I'm so glad I found them. I'm so glad I love them.
"If a thing loves, it is infinite."
And of course, one of my all-time favorite quotes:
"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it."
Actually, that subject does have something to do with this post, which is another Ellipsis post. It's nothing bad, no, nothing like that. In fact, "It's up, up, up I'm headin' for this evening / And it's up, up, up I'm headed for the clouds." I have little butterflies playing tag in my belly right now just thinking about the steps we've been taking and the moves we've been making, the booties we've been shaking to get to where we'll be two months from now and to get to where we are right now. I am so impressed with my own progress as well as that of the rest of the group but I know we have a long haul and a long road ahead of us.
One thing I've been thinking about isn't actually related to this year's performance at all, or it is, and they're so inextricably linked that I can't unknot them from each other. Anyway, that is what will happen to us after this Anime Oasis comes and leaves us all with a massive con hangover. ^^6 I refuse to let this group fall apart and I refuse to move out of Boise and never look back once at the friends I've made by joining Ellipsis last summer. No way would I betray them by ignoring and neglecting them. They brought me into the fold when they knew I was Chelsea's friend, and they accepted me anyway, helped me every single step of the way, and have gotten me out of my shell and willing to voice my opinions. Six months ago, I would never have told Mandy in person - and bluntly - that I wanted a portion of our performance cut, but on Friday, I did just that. I was desperate to correct the mistakes brought on by a certain party's weakness, so to speak; I was determined to be the Gundam come to rectify that person's mistakes. And I wanted Ellipsis to like me! I'd spent a whole con wishing I could find a better way to curry their favor and feeling inadequate, like I was a bad cosplayer and not worth their time. When I got into the group, I had to prove myself and I've felt like I've failed time and again. I have breakdowns and scream at people - and at myself - when I don't get a dance right. I don't sew well enough to stitch my way out of a potato sack. I spend most of my time at the meetings distracting people with pervy comments and penis jokes instead of being useful, even by doing small tasks like cutting threads or pinning patterns.
I'm not saying this to try to get Mandy and Holly in here, telling me how great I am, or anything like that. I'm saying it because I want to progress as a cosplayer and there's so much more I need to learn. I think it's that way for all of us but especially for me because this is the first costume I feel like I truly have a hand in, and even then it's not one that I have made for myself. I owe Holly more than I can say for her patience and diligence in putting together this Atoli costume for a person who doesn't know what she's doing. I never meant for it to be Holly's project in addition to her Alkaid cosplay, but that's how it's become and I wish it didn't have to be that way. It's why I want so badly to get my own sewing machine and some mock-up fabric and just start working as best I can to figure out how this whole cosplay madness works, firsthand, not just through watching other people bring my costumes to life. That kind of thing depresses me because at the end of the day, when I'm telling Zelly what we did at the meeting, it's always, "Holly did this on my cosplay and Mandy did that, and Holly had me do this but then she did blah." I almost never do any of it. Makes me feel guilty. I need more skills and I need some more confidence in myself - and the latter is something that this group has given me.
If someone told me last AO that soon, I would be not only joining a cosplay group that takes itself seriously and values hard work on well-made costumes, I'd probably be like, "I'm not good enough to join something like that. Go ask someone else." I wouldn't see myself onstage and I wouldn't put on a skirt that barely covers my butt, even in bloomers, and then get onstage. If somebody told me last AO that I would soon be working hard to prove that I deserve trust and friendship from a group who've seen a lot of loss, betrayal, and bitchiness, I would blow that person off because I've never really felt the need to prove myself to anyone other than Zelly. With Ellipsis, those things changed. I had to start working on dancing and on my worries over being onstage in front of hundreds of people. I had to start working on my body and how shy I am about showing it. I'm not ashamed to be modest about my body; I think too few people anymore are glad to cover up and keep that sort of thing where it belongs: in private. But I am ashamed of how badly I treat my body, eating junk food, rarely exercising, and hating myself every step of the way. Ellipsis gave me a goal and I'm working toward it.
There's a file on this computer in which I made a table. In that table, every single day from January 19 to March 12 is laid out. That's a little under two months' worth of dates. There's a column for me to check off whether I did one hundred crunches each day, a column for twenty-five sit-ups each day, a column for 20-30 minutes of climbing up and down stairs (an exercise I really enjoy because I can build it into my school schedule and use the eight-storey Education Building as my gym), and a column where I have to fill in what other exercises or alternatives I did. Thursday and Friday nights, Zelly and I walked for three and four miles, respectively; I do leg lifts and scissors every day and am thinking about adding squats and lunges, too. But anyway...I'd like to share the goals that I wrote above that bigass table. These are the goals that Ellipsis has given me, and they may seem small, petty, and very selfish, but I think they're going to help me in the long run.
1. to lose at least 5 lbs by March 12, 2009
2. to lose at least 2-3 inches around my waist by March 12, 2009
3. to be proud of the way I look in my Atoli costume by March 12, 2009
4. to tone my legs, especially my thighs, so I look good in my Atoli cosplay by March 12, 2009
5. to continue to practice the stage performance dance routines at least once a week every week till March 12, 2009
I've made lots of weight loss goals before, I've exercised before, I've dieted before. It didn't work because I didn't have a specific goal in mind, complete with deadline, and it didn't work because I didn't have a group of people who don't know they're cheering me on, but are doing so every single time I put on that Atoli costume. I'm inspired to do better because nothing would hurt me more than losing their friendship, except letting them down. If I see Mandy's face fall for any reason when I'm in my costume, it will break my heart and make me want to work myself to the bone to improve so she and Holly can't be ashamed of me. I know they wouldn't be, because they're my friends, but that's how I am; I have to feel like I'm making my friends proud, not just me. I have to know that I'm doing this group justice when we walk into that con and bring the fire.
Thinking about being this close, with the end in sight, sends my spirit leaping like the rabbit that didn't quite get to the moon, but is about to join its brother there. I've had other cosplays that were like Apollo 13s of cosplay - they looked good until I was almost there, and then there was a malfunction - but this cosplay will be Apollo 11 because I have Ellipsis backing me up. I'd fight for them, beg and steal for them, walk on broken glass and glowing white coals for them, and I will look good in that costume for them. That said, I was messing around online and looking at the photos of everyone in the group in their Xenosaga costumes and all I could think was, "I wish I had been there." I looked up Xenosaga characters and sighed wistfully, wishing I could have been Pellegri or Miyuki or hell, even Juli. I'm glad for what I have this year. It's enough. But there's that irritating little part of me, the part that needs to STFU and get over it, that thinks it isn't quite enough, no, and wants to have been there. But if I had been there, this experience would not be the same for me. It might not have this same meaning, and I don't want to lose that!
In the words of Heero Yuy (yes, dub version), "I...I will...I will survive!" This is a test of character and I will pass it. "You will unite or you will fall." I can't see us falling apart or giving up, not now, not when we've cleared all the hurdles but getting the costumes done and getting done learning and performing the dance, and those aren't things that worries me. What worries me is being able to walk into the con, look fabulous, and know that I am a credit to this group of my friends. ♥ I know they are a credit to me. I'm so glad I found them. I'm so glad I love them.
"If a thing loves, it is infinite."
And of course, one of my all-time favorite quotes:
"Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it."