(no subject)

[dunruin]

Went to the Birthday Massacre show.
IT was fucking great.
I went with my brother Kai and the badger/panda.

I started drinking with the kai man early.
This primed me for a night of fun.
It seems that when I drink, I start to lose all my condioning.
I can say things that I know in my heart, but can/should never say.

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This makes me wonder if I am becoming an alcoholic.
If I can only grasp reality through alcohol, then...
or is it that I feel incompelete?
arg...
I have enough to worry about already.
I don't need to worry about my drinking.

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So I did somthing that I have wanted to do for a long time now.
I almost acted within the moment.
well not really, I had to get some dutch courage to do it.
even though it was not as long as I wanted, it was still worth it.
heh..
it was a fleeting thing, but....
oh gods...
it was nice...
it was what I wanted to do...
screw the fucking consenqunces...
it is only life....
I.....
fuck
fuck
fuck
I don;t know what I mean to say...
except that I ment it.
from the first moment I saw you, I wanted too.
now I have...
gods...
I wish it lasted a thousand years, not a moment.
thats the thought I will keep.
the trasnitory experiance, that I wish was everlasting.
not the pain or the doubt.
the feeling.

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I did it.
I am at peace.
now.
I.
Can.
Think.
without.
it.
nagging.
me.

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