Our strange duet...
This is something I wrote while bored in psychology and biology, just thought I'd add it here.
April 11, 2008
I sometimes wonder why Susie never had children. It's not like the opportunityies haven't been there for the last 40 years. Maybe God knew Susie shouldn't have kids. I don't understand how God knew Susie shouldn't have kids, and that was diestined for her, but other people who want and deserve kids are destined not to have them.
It worries me that I might not have kids someday. Maybe I am destined to focus on healing people and not on being healed. Maybe I'm broken beyond healing. Sometimes I feel above all that has happened to me, that I shouldn't let it affect me in the least. Othertimes I feel like it consume my entire being.
I look at my life, and I want more. I want a better grade, a better school, a better family, a better life. I wish my mom was better. I look at her and she has aged so much in the last 3 years. She use to look so young and happy. Now I look at her face and its a ghost of the woman I use to love and respect. Will she ever get better? I have no idea. How can she still be with him after everything that happened? There are times Ito make her choose between us, but I'm too scared she wouldn't pick me. Sadly enough I could see her delustional racialization for choosing him. What she doesn't understand is how much I put up with from her. I love her and always will but I have no respect for her. I'm scared to walk away and regret not know her like I did Dad.
April 11, 2008
I sometimes wonder why Susie never had children. It's not like the opportunityies haven't been there for the last 40 years. Maybe God knew Susie shouldn't have kids. I don't understand how God knew Susie shouldn't have kids, and that was diestined for her, but other people who want and deserve kids are destined not to have them.
It worries me that I might not have kids someday. Maybe I am destined to focus on healing people and not on being healed. Maybe I'm broken beyond healing. Sometimes I feel above all that has happened to me, that I shouldn't let it affect me in the least. Othertimes I feel like it consume my entire being.
I look at my life, and I want more. I want a better grade, a better school, a better family, a better life. I wish my mom was better. I look at her and she has aged so much in the last 3 years. She use to look so young and happy. Now I look at her face and its a ghost of the woman I use to love and respect. Will she ever get better? I have no idea. How can she still be with him after everything that happened? There are times Ito make her choose between us, but I'm too scared she wouldn't pick me. Sadly enough I could see her delustional racialization for choosing him. What she doesn't understand is how much I put up with from her. I love her and always will but I have no respect for her. I'm scared to walk away and regret not know her like I did Dad.