homesick (give me your hand and i'll hold it);;
baekhyun/chanyeol // 2,350 words / r / angst
warning: grammar errors, suicide
→ every day, chanyeol has to start anew.
a/n: i couldn't get this idea out of my head after reading a fanfiction where luhan jumps through all the different timezones, back and forth (there's also this book where this guy wakes up in a different body every day and likes it until he falls in love with this girl and urrgh, you should read it) and i really like it, the idea, even though i wasn't to able to write it the way i wanted to; it was a lot prettier in my head. this is for braekfast because four days ago was our 5th anniversary and this is my present for her, it's a bit late but i hope you like it, darling, i love you.
every day is special for chanyeol in a somewhat sick kind of way. he doesn’t remember when it all has started, or why, but every day he finds himself in a different time period, in another world. he can’t stay there longer than twentyfour hours and no matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries, he always has to leave.
every day, chanyeol has to start anew.
in a new world, in another time, where everything he sees is different, even though there are two things that never change, no matter where he wakes up again.
he’s always himself, always park chanyeol.
sometimes he’s an adult, sometimes he’s a teenager, sometimes he’s a kid, but still chanyeol.
and there’s baekhyun.
he never woke up in a world without him, he’s always there. sometimes baekhyun loves him, sometimes he doesn’t love him, sometimes chanyeol has to search for him for a while before he actually finds him and sometimes he’s already there with him, sometimes he doesn’t recognize him, never saw him before.
but chanyeol’s feelings are always the same.
he’s always been in love with baekhyun and he’ll always be. this will never change, chanyeol’s sure about it, because his only purpose in life, the only thing that matters after opening his eyes, is finding baekhyun, wondering how he looks in this world, how their relationship is in this time.
when he opens his eyes, this time, he finds himself next to baekhyun. he’s back-facing him, dressed in a suit and looking somewhere else and for a second chanyeol is totally lost in the scene. the faint sound of bells and ceremonial music rings in his ears, but at first he can’t really concentrate on that, all he sees is the beaming and happy smile on baekhyun’s face.
but when he finally manages to tear his eyes away from the other man, he notices flowers everywhere around them, a lot of other people are there as well and chanyeol realizes that they’re in a church.
panic immediately shoots through his whole body, leaves him trembling nervously as he quickly follows baekhyun’s gaze to a person at the other end of the hall; a young woman in a beautiful wedding grown.
it’s easy to understand that baekhyun is the groom, that this is his wedding and chanyeol can literally feel the heart in his chest breaking, even though something like that is not unusual and he should be used to this. it could happen all the time, it already happened countless of times, but it still hurts too much every single time.
he feels tears well up in his eyes, but he successfully chokes back a sob.
the next second the guy beside him jabs him in the ribs and chanyeol looks at him, a name pops up in the back of his head. “you’re such a big softy”, the guy whispers with a shit-eating grin on his face and hands him a handkerchief.
“shut up, jongdae.”
the next time he wakes up again, everything is dark.
he can’t see anything at first, but it’s fine, because chanyeol can feel the fabric of a blanket covering his body and the warmth of another person next to him. he hears the soft and slow breaths and turns on his side, snuggles closer to the person’s back and slides an arm around their waist.
it’s not a girl, he can feel that; so it’s a boy. and chanyeol gets all excited, because maybe it’s baekhyun. it’s been so long since he last was in a world with them together, with baekhyun loving him back.
he presses his nose into the others hair, inhales and it smells like hair dye and strawberries, but not a bit like baekhyun, this smell is totally different from baekhyun’s. chanyeol’s stomach drops, because this is probably someone else and when his eyes finally get used to the pitch black of the room, he can see it’s true.
there really is a boy next to him, with light hair and skin, a too slim frame and broad shoulders; he looks a little unhealthy. he never saw him before, not even in a different reality, but chanyeol briefly wonders what their relationship is, it seems like they’re a couple.
he sighs quietly and releases him, sits up on the bed and the boy makes a small noise, before he buries his face deeper into the pillows. carefully, chanyeol tries to get out of the room without waking the other, he doesn’t think he’s ready to see him awake, to talk to him and gets into a small kitchen.
a phone lies on the kitchen table and chanyeol flops down on a chair and picks it up. he doesn’t know if it’s his or the others, but the wallpaper displays them both, hugging and smiling and they look really happy together.
does he even know baekhyun in this world?
he looks through the phone contacts, immediately going to the letter b and there he is; there’s a baekhyun in there. he doesn’t even think about what time it is and calls the number, because all he wants is to hear baekhyun’s voice.
it rings.
once.
twice.
“sehun?”, a sleepy and raspy voice asks and chanyeol’s heart beats a tad faster, “what the fuck do you want? it’s in the middle of the night.”
chanyeol opens his mouth to say something, but at first no sound comes out of it. he tries again.
“i miss you.”
“chanyeol?”
“i miss you, baekhyun”, he says again and hears the other taking in a sharp breath.
“stop. we talked about this so many times already”, baekhyun answers, and sounds less sleepy now, but chanyeol can’t define the emotion that lies within his voice.
he can hear the rustling of sheets, but chanyeol just wonders about what happened between them, were they in love before, maybe even in a relationship?
he wants to know.
“but I-“
“don’t you fucking dare, don’t do that to me, chanyeol.” baekhyun sounds angry and a little helpless too. “why are you calling me now, when i’m finally getting better? why are you doing this to me?”
chanyeol doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know what he did, but he vaguely assumes it has something to do with the other boy, sehun.
“i’m sorry.” forgive me.
chanyeol’s utterly relieved when he sees baekhyun’s face the next time. he’s not looking at him, though, his eyes fixed somewhere else and chanyeol uses this time to study him.
he looks young, not older than twenty and his hair is a light shade brown this time and flattened down, not curly like usual. chanyeol doesn’t really care about the period they’re in, since baekhyun’s clothes look like normal modern clothes, so instead all he concentrates on is how beautiful he looks with the sunlight giving his hair this soft glow, making him look like some sort of angel.
baekhyun would hit him for his cheesy thoughts, because chanyeol knows he dislikes it when he thinks girly things about him, since he’s a man and that’s embarrassing. but chanyeol can’t help himself; he’s just a blind, lovesick idiot.
he moves his head a little bit on baekhyun’s lap and baekhyun shifts his gaze down to him, a smile appears on his lips. chanyeol stares at him for a while, before he lifts his hands and cups baekhyun's face to pull him down for a kiss.
“ready?”
he opens his eyes and underneath him are cars and people and everything looks so tiny, like small little pieces from a children’s game. they’re on a rooftop, really high up and the noise of the city isn’t that loud here.
chanyeol draws in a deep breath to get the sick feeling in his stomach away and squeezes the hand in his. “are you sure? do you really want to do this?”, he asks, and looks at baekhyun next to him at the edge of the building.
he’s in his teenage form this time, so chanyeol assumes he’s as well, and the heavy eyeliner he wears is smeared across his cheeks from crying so much. there’s this incredibly strong fear in his eyes, he looks so scared that chanyeol just wants to hug him and tell him everything will be alright, but they both know it will never get better.
baekhyun nods and swallows hard, before looking back down.
“it’s the only way.”
“i love you”, chanyeol whispers then, and can’t hold back the tears anymore. a loud sob escapes his mouth.
baekhyun’s hold on his hand tightens and they both are trembling, shaking like leaves in the wind. “i love you, too.”
and the next moment, chanyeol flies. just for a couple of seconds, but he’s flying; together with baekhyun.
they’re back in their freshman days at high school. chanyeol as an awkward long limbed guy, not used to being this tall all of a sudden and with a mop of curled hair that makes him look like the king of the elves; at least people call him like that. and baekhyun with his too big framed glasses for his smaller face, pimples over here and there.
still they make the best pair.
at lunchtime they switch their lunchboxes; chanyeol gives baekhyun his paper bag with sandwiches, while baekhyun gives chanyeol his way too large box of kimbap. they eat and they laugh and baekhyun tells him the adventurous story of how he beat the last boss of his video game last night.
“wanna come over after school?”, the other asks and his eyes are glinting with hope and excitement. “my mum tried this new cake recipe for the shop and i know you’d love it!”
“sure”, chanyeol answers with a big smile on his face and shoves too much food into his mouth, he’s a hard time swallowing everything.
“learn how to eat, idiot.”
baekhyun throws a napkin at chanyeol’s face and they both start laughing again.
chanyeol’s eyes flutter open, when warm breath tickles his ear. he gets aware of the arms tightly wrung around his neck, holding him close and stops moving when he hears a breathy moan. he lifts himself up a bit, to get a better look at baekhyun underneath him.
his eyes are closed, the hair damp and sticking to his forehead and his lips are parted slightly as he tries to catch his breath again and chanyeol notices his own heavy breathing.
“don’t stop”, baekhyun breathes and starts wiggling under him, trying to create some friction between them, to get chanyeol to move again, “i’m fine.”
so chanyeol starts rocking into him again and baekhyun groans, arches into the movement, before reaching up and pulling him into a dirty, open-mouthed kiss, fingers tangling in his hair and tongue quickly slipping into chanyeol’s mouth.
baekhyun wraps his legs around his waist and moves against him, forcing chanyeol to push deeper and deeper and deeper, until they both come; baekhyun first, his teeth sinking into the flesh of chanyeol’s neck to muffle his pleased cries, tugging chanyeol right with him over the edge.
and when he rolls onto the mattress next to him, baekhyun immediately shoots close to him. he rests his hand on chanyeol’s chest and smiles a tired smile, before leaning over to kiss him lazily on the lips.
this time, he’s with baekhyun in a restaurant, or rather leaving it.
chanyeol stares at him, watches him putting on his coat and baekhyun shoots him an impatient glance. “are you dreaming? come on.”
he gets up and reaches for his own thick and puffy jacket, but loud laughter distracts him. he looks at one of the tables next to theirs and there are a couple of guys talking and laughing. one of them is someone chanyeol knows. it hasn’t been long since he last saw him in another world, his name is jongdae. his arms are wrapped around the waist of the boy next to him, his chin resting on his shoulder.
he watches them curiously; the boy in jongdae’s arms says something in a language chanyeol doesn’t understand, maybe it’s mandarin or japanese, and looks at the other guys with a shocked expression, but then flashes them a soft, dimple showing smile.
they look cute together, chanyeol thinks, but then baekhyun sighs and grabs his arm to pull him out of the restaurant.
it’s cold outside and he notices how the other tries to bury his face further into his scarf. he laughs and baekhyun turns around to him, looks at him with unsatisfied eyes as he reaches out to take chanyeol’s hand between his.
“you’re a hopeless idiot.”
chanyeol looks at him with a puzzled expression and feels his cheeks slightly growing warmer, but intertwines their fingers anyways.
“i waited for you to make a move the whole time, since you already were the one that asked for a date and you idiot did nothing”, baekhyun huffs, “you’re never shy, why just right now, god really.”
chanyeol tries not to laugh at the others displeased face and just squeezes his hand, but baekhyun shoves him and grumbles and he can’t hold it back, starts laughing.
and while his stomach begins to hurt, because he can’t really breathe anymore and baekhyun’s insulting him in a more or less mean way, pretending to be angry with him, chanyeol wishes he’d never let go of his hand again.
as long as baekhyun’s somewhere here, chanyeol doesn’t mind waking up in a different world every day. sometimes he’s scared that one day he wouldn’t be there anymore, that he would find himself in a reality without baekhyun and although it’s horrible enough when he doesn’t know him or doesn’t love him back, it’s the worst to think about being completely without him.
and even though he doesn’t mind all of this, living like this, chanyeol still somehow hopes that he can stay one day, that he wakes up with baekhyun beside him forever; that one day, maybe, he can spend his entire life with him in the same place.
warning: grammar errors, suicide
→ every day, chanyeol has to start anew.
a/n: i couldn't get this idea out of my head after reading a fanfiction where luhan jumps through all the different timezones, back and forth (there's also this book where this guy wakes up in a different body every day and likes it until he falls in love with this girl and urrgh, you should read it) and i really like it, the idea, even though i wasn't to able to write it the way i wanted to; it was a lot prettier in my head. this is for braekfast because four days ago was our 5th anniversary and this is my present for her, it's a bit late but i hope you like it, darling, i love you.
every day is special for chanyeol in a somewhat sick kind of way. he doesn’t remember when it all has started, or why, but every day he finds himself in a different time period, in another world. he can’t stay there longer than twentyfour hours and no matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries, he always has to leave.
every day, chanyeol has to start anew.
in a new world, in another time, where everything he sees is different, even though there are two things that never change, no matter where he wakes up again.
he’s always himself, always park chanyeol.
sometimes he’s an adult, sometimes he’s a teenager, sometimes he’s a kid, but still chanyeol.
and there’s baekhyun.
he never woke up in a world without him, he’s always there. sometimes baekhyun loves him, sometimes he doesn’t love him, sometimes chanyeol has to search for him for a while before he actually finds him and sometimes he’s already there with him, sometimes he doesn’t recognize him, never saw him before.
but chanyeol’s feelings are always the same.
he’s always been in love with baekhyun and he’ll always be. this will never change, chanyeol’s sure about it, because his only purpose in life, the only thing that matters after opening his eyes, is finding baekhyun, wondering how he looks in this world, how their relationship is in this time.
when he opens his eyes, this time, he finds himself next to baekhyun. he’s back-facing him, dressed in a suit and looking somewhere else and for a second chanyeol is totally lost in the scene. the faint sound of bells and ceremonial music rings in his ears, but at first he can’t really concentrate on that, all he sees is the beaming and happy smile on baekhyun’s face.
but when he finally manages to tear his eyes away from the other man, he notices flowers everywhere around them, a lot of other people are there as well and chanyeol realizes that they’re in a church.
panic immediately shoots through his whole body, leaves him trembling nervously as he quickly follows baekhyun’s gaze to a person at the other end of the hall; a young woman in a beautiful wedding grown.
it’s easy to understand that baekhyun is the groom, that this is his wedding and chanyeol can literally feel the heart in his chest breaking, even though something like that is not unusual and he should be used to this. it could happen all the time, it already happened countless of times, but it still hurts too much every single time.
he feels tears well up in his eyes, but he successfully chokes back a sob.
the next second the guy beside him jabs him in the ribs and chanyeol looks at him, a name pops up in the back of his head. “you’re such a big softy”, the guy whispers with a shit-eating grin on his face and hands him a handkerchief.
“shut up, jongdae.”
the next time he wakes up again, everything is dark.
he can’t see anything at first, but it’s fine, because chanyeol can feel the fabric of a blanket covering his body and the warmth of another person next to him. he hears the soft and slow breaths and turns on his side, snuggles closer to the person’s back and slides an arm around their waist.
it’s not a girl, he can feel that; so it’s a boy. and chanyeol gets all excited, because maybe it’s baekhyun. it’s been so long since he last was in a world with them together, with baekhyun loving him back.
he presses his nose into the others hair, inhales and it smells like hair dye and strawberries, but not a bit like baekhyun, this smell is totally different from baekhyun’s. chanyeol’s stomach drops, because this is probably someone else and when his eyes finally get used to the pitch black of the room, he can see it’s true.
there really is a boy next to him, with light hair and skin, a too slim frame and broad shoulders; he looks a little unhealthy. he never saw him before, not even in a different reality, but chanyeol briefly wonders what their relationship is, it seems like they’re a couple.
he sighs quietly and releases him, sits up on the bed and the boy makes a small noise, before he buries his face deeper into the pillows. carefully, chanyeol tries to get out of the room without waking the other, he doesn’t think he’s ready to see him awake, to talk to him and gets into a small kitchen.
a phone lies on the kitchen table and chanyeol flops down on a chair and picks it up. he doesn’t know if it’s his or the others, but the wallpaper displays them both, hugging and smiling and they look really happy together.
does he even know baekhyun in this world?
he looks through the phone contacts, immediately going to the letter b and there he is; there’s a baekhyun in there. he doesn’t even think about what time it is and calls the number, because all he wants is to hear baekhyun’s voice.
it rings.
once.
twice.
“sehun?”, a sleepy and raspy voice asks and chanyeol’s heart beats a tad faster, “what the fuck do you want? it’s in the middle of the night.”
chanyeol opens his mouth to say something, but at first no sound comes out of it. he tries again.
“i miss you.”
“chanyeol?”
“i miss you, baekhyun”, he says again and hears the other taking in a sharp breath.
“stop. we talked about this so many times already”, baekhyun answers, and sounds less sleepy now, but chanyeol can’t define the emotion that lies within his voice.
he can hear the rustling of sheets, but chanyeol just wonders about what happened between them, were they in love before, maybe even in a relationship?
he wants to know.
“but I-“
“don’t you fucking dare, don’t do that to me, chanyeol.” baekhyun sounds angry and a little helpless too. “why are you calling me now, when i’m finally getting better? why are you doing this to me?”
chanyeol doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know what he did, but he vaguely assumes it has something to do with the other boy, sehun.
“i’m sorry.” forgive me.
chanyeol’s utterly relieved when he sees baekhyun’s face the next time. he’s not looking at him, though, his eyes fixed somewhere else and chanyeol uses this time to study him.
he looks young, not older than twenty and his hair is a light shade brown this time and flattened down, not curly like usual. chanyeol doesn’t really care about the period they’re in, since baekhyun’s clothes look like normal modern clothes, so instead all he concentrates on is how beautiful he looks with the sunlight giving his hair this soft glow, making him look like some sort of angel.
baekhyun would hit him for his cheesy thoughts, because chanyeol knows he dislikes it when he thinks girly things about him, since he’s a man and that’s embarrassing. but chanyeol can’t help himself; he’s just a blind, lovesick idiot.
he moves his head a little bit on baekhyun’s lap and baekhyun shifts his gaze down to him, a smile appears on his lips. chanyeol stares at him for a while, before he lifts his hands and cups baekhyun's face to pull him down for a kiss.
“ready?”
he opens his eyes and underneath him are cars and people and everything looks so tiny, like small little pieces from a children’s game. they’re on a rooftop, really high up and the noise of the city isn’t that loud here.
chanyeol draws in a deep breath to get the sick feeling in his stomach away and squeezes the hand in his. “are you sure? do you really want to do this?”, he asks, and looks at baekhyun next to him at the edge of the building.
he’s in his teenage form this time, so chanyeol assumes he’s as well, and the heavy eyeliner he wears is smeared across his cheeks from crying so much. there’s this incredibly strong fear in his eyes, he looks so scared that chanyeol just wants to hug him and tell him everything will be alright, but they both know it will never get better.
baekhyun nods and swallows hard, before looking back down.
“it’s the only way.”
“i love you”, chanyeol whispers then, and can’t hold back the tears anymore. a loud sob escapes his mouth.
baekhyun’s hold on his hand tightens and they both are trembling, shaking like leaves in the wind. “i love you, too.”
and the next moment, chanyeol flies. just for a couple of seconds, but he’s flying; together with baekhyun.
they’re back in their freshman days at high school. chanyeol as an awkward long limbed guy, not used to being this tall all of a sudden and with a mop of curled hair that makes him look like the king of the elves; at least people call him like that. and baekhyun with his too big framed glasses for his smaller face, pimples over here and there.
still they make the best pair.
at lunchtime they switch their lunchboxes; chanyeol gives baekhyun his paper bag with sandwiches, while baekhyun gives chanyeol his way too large box of kimbap. they eat and they laugh and baekhyun tells him the adventurous story of how he beat the last boss of his video game last night.
“wanna come over after school?”, the other asks and his eyes are glinting with hope and excitement. “my mum tried this new cake recipe for the shop and i know you’d love it!”
“sure”, chanyeol answers with a big smile on his face and shoves too much food into his mouth, he’s a hard time swallowing everything.
“learn how to eat, idiot.”
baekhyun throws a napkin at chanyeol’s face and they both start laughing again.
chanyeol’s eyes flutter open, when warm breath tickles his ear. he gets aware of the arms tightly wrung around his neck, holding him close and stops moving when he hears a breathy moan. he lifts himself up a bit, to get a better look at baekhyun underneath him.
his eyes are closed, the hair damp and sticking to his forehead and his lips are parted slightly as he tries to catch his breath again and chanyeol notices his own heavy breathing.
“don’t stop”, baekhyun breathes and starts wiggling under him, trying to create some friction between them, to get chanyeol to move again, “i’m fine.”
so chanyeol starts rocking into him again and baekhyun groans, arches into the movement, before reaching up and pulling him into a dirty, open-mouthed kiss, fingers tangling in his hair and tongue quickly slipping into chanyeol’s mouth.
baekhyun wraps his legs around his waist and moves against him, forcing chanyeol to push deeper and deeper and deeper, until they both come; baekhyun first, his teeth sinking into the flesh of chanyeol’s neck to muffle his pleased cries, tugging chanyeol right with him over the edge.
and when he rolls onto the mattress next to him, baekhyun immediately shoots close to him. he rests his hand on chanyeol’s chest and smiles a tired smile, before leaning over to kiss him lazily on the lips.
this time, he’s with baekhyun in a restaurant, or rather leaving it.
chanyeol stares at him, watches him putting on his coat and baekhyun shoots him an impatient glance. “are you dreaming? come on.”
he gets up and reaches for his own thick and puffy jacket, but loud laughter distracts him. he looks at one of the tables next to theirs and there are a couple of guys talking and laughing. one of them is someone chanyeol knows. it hasn’t been long since he last saw him in another world, his name is jongdae. his arms are wrapped around the waist of the boy next to him, his chin resting on his shoulder.
he watches them curiously; the boy in jongdae’s arms says something in a language chanyeol doesn’t understand, maybe it’s mandarin or japanese, and looks at the other guys with a shocked expression, but then flashes them a soft, dimple showing smile.
they look cute together, chanyeol thinks, but then baekhyun sighs and grabs his arm to pull him out of the restaurant.
it’s cold outside and he notices how the other tries to bury his face further into his scarf. he laughs and baekhyun turns around to him, looks at him with unsatisfied eyes as he reaches out to take chanyeol’s hand between his.
“you’re a hopeless idiot.”
chanyeol looks at him with a puzzled expression and feels his cheeks slightly growing warmer, but intertwines their fingers anyways.
“i waited for you to make a move the whole time, since you already were the one that asked for a date and you idiot did nothing”, baekhyun huffs, “you’re never shy, why just right now, god really.”
chanyeol tries not to laugh at the others displeased face and just squeezes his hand, but baekhyun shoves him and grumbles and he can’t hold it back, starts laughing.
and while his stomach begins to hurt, because he can’t really breathe anymore and baekhyun’s insulting him in a more or less mean way, pretending to be angry with him, chanyeol wishes he’d never let go of his hand again.
as long as baekhyun’s somewhere here, chanyeol doesn’t mind waking up in a different world every day. sometimes he’s scared that one day he wouldn’t be there anymore, that he would find himself in a reality without baekhyun and although it’s horrible enough when he doesn’t know him or doesn’t love him back, it’s the worst to think about being completely without him.
and even though he doesn’t mind all of this, living like this, chanyeol still somehow hopes that he can stay one day, that he wakes up with baekhyun beside him forever; that one day, maybe, he can spend his entire life with him in the same place.