Meloncholy Blue.
I am so meloncholy. This is why I've come to my LJ. What a computer nerd I am. So savy with my online journal. A place to express my deepest thoughts for anyone who wants to read about them. What has this world come to. But frankly, Lj is sometimes a secret cry for- not help, but support? Hmm.. something like that. However, today I don't need help/support. I just need a place to write. Sometimes I really like writing, even though I tell everyone I hate english and all the writing that goes along with it. "To blog or not to blog", this century's rhetorical question.
*sigh* What am I doing here? Saskatoon is not what I wished for. Did god purposely try to place me in a city that I would wilt in. Well, its not all so bad. But, truly I don't like it here- if you want my honest answer. To help me deal with my discontent, I have been reminenscing on happier days.
I've been thinking about my highschool crushes. I use to be infatuated with finding this one guy I had lost touch with in grade 11 when he moved away up north. I considered calling all the people with his last name. But that didn't fly over so well. Who has that much time on their hands? Clearly, I do in my dreams. Eventually, I just didn't care anymore about him. Such is the case, with many ppl who come and go in my life. If I'm not directly in connection with them, they fade... which is probably a good thing. Who needs to wallow in the past? Well, maybe I'm a bit quilty of that lately. I started thinking about my real and first highschool crush. The memories head butted me, and overflowed my mind with sincere happiness. His piercing blue eyes- I would fall into them everytime. He was such a nerd, lol, but i didn't care. To me, he was the likeness of heaven. I saturated my diaries with his name in grade nine. I was sure I would marry him- there was no doubt. Looking back on my entries, I have to laugh. I had such high hopes, and in reality, I never even told him my feelings for him.
When I talk to him now, 6 years later, I still get tiny butterflies. Its as though I made my feelings for him a part of me forever. I never meant to. Perhaps, I am curious as to how things would've laid out if I had been in a relationship with him. It is a never ending curiousity. I don't possess this wonderment with any of my other crushes, just him. Maybe its true what they say, the first is always special.
This is one of my favourite quotes, and it always reminded me of 'him':
"Here's a secret she never told you: She fell in love with you many years ago, when she was a little girl and wished on the new moon for someone to share her honest heart. There were lots of times when she thought she had found you and was dissappointed. But when you finally came along, she knew you right away, because you were a gentle clown with a dream or two of your own, who took her hand and showed her the way to the stars."
*tear*
Deep down in the most naive part of my heart, I still believe I will marry him. Well, in my dreams anyways. Do I sound psycho or what? To be young again....sigh.