Approximately 20 years have gone by
Hello Again
This Live Journal was started by me in middle school during 2004 so that I could keep in touch with friends. Back then, there were no smartphones, and very few of us even had basic cellphones. If we wanted to talk, we were lucky if our parents let us tie up the home landline. At least we had AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) to send messages. Live Journal was our first "social network" - before MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter (now X).
20 years ago, I was a hot mess. That's what I've concluded after reading through 355 entries on here, mostly spanning 2004-2008, with some in 2011 and a couple thereafter. Maybe you feel the same way about yourself too. It's to be expected - we were teenagers all going through big physical and mental changes.
If you're reading this, I encourage you to go back through your history just to take it all in. Hopefully you will find it insightful. You might be surprised to discover the things about you that have never really changed, or discover hidden truths about the things which have.
I also encourage you to leverage the privacy settings (settings we didn't think much of at the time). My Live Journal was full of entries that included too much personal information about myself and others in my life. As this was the first social network for many of us, we had not yet learned the etiquette and discretion we (hopefully!) use today as adults.
One thing that really struck me was the tiny community that we had going on. With the exception of a handful, nearly all of you are essentially gone out of my life right now. It's a natural byproduct of time, but also due to politics amping up in 2012, 2016, and the 2020.
If you've come here after 20+ years, reader, I want to personally thank you for being in my life back then. Even if we're not friends today, even if that friendship ended in a dramatic way, I want you to know that I'm grateful to have met you. Ask around and most likely we can get in touch again, if you want to. There are no bridges burnt between us.
The Last 10 Years
What can I say about myself on April 10, 2024? A year ago I reached the high-point of my career, but I blew it, and now I'm at the lowest point (e.g., unemployed) since... 2011? 2012? A big difference now is I have a mortgage that I'm responsible for. I also have savings to coast for a little while, so let's hope some of these job leads I have work out. Onboarding is a months-long process. Please wish me luck.
That post I made in 2011 about getting into cybersecurity - it worked out very well. In the beginning I had to make sacrifices and I even continued working on the weekends at restraints, but I did make it into some high paying jobs after about 4 years. Along the way, I met amazing people and made some good professional contacts. It was exciting.
Also, I'm engaged! My fiancée and I met during October 2017, right at the tail end of a lot of my family drama. I moved in with her in 2018, and now we share a house on the same street as her parents. All of us get along well and I'm very grateful to her family, who has helped me lots since we met in 2018.
Hidden Destiny
Is destiny an external force, or is it the result of our own actions?
I want to point out some mistakes I've made over the years.
On the flip side:
So hopefully it all means something in the end. Perhaps it is delusional thinking, just attempting to rationalize my behavior over the years.
Additional Things
I haven't mentioned the time between 2018-2022. For these four years I was living with my fiancée and her family. They helped us to save money so that we could finally afford our own home. Her mother and stepdad are both amazing people with a lot of skill and wisdom. She's also got lots of step siblings and cousins, all of whom I count as friends now. It's great.
My fiancée is so wonderful and thoughtful. She does a lot for me, and I need to do more for her. Last year, she even brought my two best friends up here to visit for a surprise birthday weekend. It's not the first time she's done something awesome for me on by birthday, but it is definitely one of the most memorable.
There have been some downsides. I got roped into working at the family restaurant, which is in bad shape due to economic conditions and the area it's located. The place is basically on life support, and working there made me stressed out. I picked up some bad habits, like video game binging, and nicotine. These days I have these under control.
A family who knows the restaurant business is sure to make amazing food. My fiancée and her family do not disappoint! Unfortunately, I've been eating too well. I'm way overweight and developed sleep apnea. I'm working on turning this situation around so that I can be fit like I used to be.
Looking Forward
Here in my early thirties, I've realized I'm still immature in many ways. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned in the ups and downs of my life. Failure has actually given me more empathy for my father and his father, both of whom are no longer with us (RIP). I can also identify things that I would have done differently, and hopefully I can put that knowledge to use in helping myself and other people.
If things work out, I will have at least one stable job in my profession, either during or near the end of Summer. I'm leaning towards cashing out some of my 401k to make ends meet until then. During this time, I want to take online school courses towards that elusive 4-year degree. This will cost me and put me into more debt, but in the long term, it should be worth it. Hopefully my fiancée and I will make a big dent in this mortgage, be healthy, and, if we're lucky, have some kids in the in a few years time.
Also, I need to be a better friend. I need to do more to show appreciation to people who are good to me. I need to be a good steward of social bonds. This is really important to me.
This Live Journal was started by me in middle school during 2004 so that I could keep in touch with friends. Back then, there were no smartphones, and very few of us even had basic cellphones. If we wanted to talk, we were lucky if our parents let us tie up the home landline. At least we had AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) to send messages. Live Journal was our first "social network" - before MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter (now X).
20 years ago, I was a hot mess. That's what I've concluded after reading through 355 entries on here, mostly spanning 2004-2008, with some in 2011 and a couple thereafter. Maybe you feel the same way about yourself too. It's to be expected - we were teenagers all going through big physical and mental changes.
If you're reading this, I encourage you to go back through your history just to take it all in. Hopefully you will find it insightful. You might be surprised to discover the things about you that have never really changed, or discover hidden truths about the things which have.
I also encourage you to leverage the privacy settings (settings we didn't think much of at the time). My Live Journal was full of entries that included too much personal information about myself and others in my life. As this was the first social network for many of us, we had not yet learned the etiquette and discretion we (hopefully!) use today as adults.
One thing that really struck me was the tiny community that we had going on. With the exception of a handful, nearly all of you are essentially gone out of my life right now. It's a natural byproduct of time, but also due to politics amping up in 2012, 2016, and the 2020.
If you've come here after 20+ years, reader, I want to personally thank you for being in my life back then. Even if we're not friends today, even if that friendship ended in a dramatic way, I want you to know that I'm grateful to have met you. Ask around and most likely we can get in touch again, if you want to. There are no bridges burnt between us.
The Last 10 Years
What can I say about myself on April 10, 2024? A year ago I reached the high-point of my career, but I blew it, and now I'm at the lowest point (e.g., unemployed) since... 2011? 2012? A big difference now is I have a mortgage that I'm responsible for. I also have savings to coast for a little while, so let's hope some of these job leads I have work out. Onboarding is a months-long process. Please wish me luck.
That post I made in 2011 about getting into cybersecurity - it worked out very well. In the beginning I had to make sacrifices and I even continued working on the weekends at restraints, but I did make it into some high paying jobs after about 4 years. Along the way, I met amazing people and made some good professional contacts. It was exciting.
Also, I'm engaged! My fiancée and I met during October 2017, right at the tail end of a lot of my family drama. I moved in with her in 2018, and now we share a house on the same street as her parents. All of us get along well and I'm very grateful to her family, who has helped me lots since we met in 2018.
Hidden Destiny
Is destiny an external force, or is it the result of our own actions?
I want to point out some mistakes I've made over the years.
- From 2015 to now, I've been a remote worker. Working remotely before Covid19 was so different. There were no video calls, no Microsoft Teams, no Hybrid schedules. Unfortunately, this made me too comfortable in too many ways. I lost a lot of competitiveness and professional contacts. I also never completed my 4-year degree.
- In 2016 I had some powerful people trying to get me to work for them. It was a position that I had wanted for years. They were making it easy for me, but in a strange twist of fate, I felt I needed to turn them down (in order to stay remote). That ship sailed long ago, but I often think about how I wish it would come back.
- Even though I was making lots of money, I was also spending too much of it. Not on anything exciting like people, travel, nice things, etc. but on technology - i.e. stuff that would help me exercise my skills and grow my knowledge. I really overestimated my ability to manage these things. I find myself in a messy situation like the ones I was actively trying to avoid when I was in my teens.
- I can also say that all of this focus on my job and profession, far away from where I grew up, brought me to a point where I have just a handful of friends and almost no acquaintances. It can be incredibly lonely at times.
On the flip side:
- The experience of losing most of my competitiveness and professional contacts has taught me a valuable lesson. The lesson is simply to cultivate those things and not loose them, even if it seems like you're in a great situation. I was busy during those years, busy doing good things for other people, but not for myself.
- The dream job may not have worked out anyways. I declined their offer so that I could continue to work remotely. I had no idea how indispensable remote work status would be as I confronted family challenges over the years.
By the end of 2016, I was on the verge of becoming homeless due to a volatile family situation. My uncle and mentor had been widely trusted to handle finances, but it came to light that he had big financial problems. These problems needed to be solved, but before he could solve them, he got dementia. At the end of 2016, I needed to get him, his (second) wife, and all our stuff out of that house and into an apartment.
The following year, an aunt of mine developed early-onset Alzheimer's and I needed to help take care of her situation as well. This had me driving 1200 miles per week during the summer of 2017.
My mother, who lives 1000 miles south of me, went deaf and got permanent vertigo back in in 2022. She needed someone to hold her hand while walking for over a month. Who would have done it if not me?
So while I regret not taking that 2016 dream job, I feel it would be immoral to regret helping out my aging family during those hard times. These family members both really loved me, and that's priceless. - Actually, I don't have a flip side for this last one. I really do need to cut down on spending and accumulating tech-junk.
- Surrounding myself with new and different people gives me opportunities to grow that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Even if I can't relate to them like I could my old friends, at least I'm growing as a person.
So hopefully it all means something in the end. Perhaps it is delusional thinking, just attempting to rationalize my behavior over the years.
Additional Things
I haven't mentioned the time between 2018-2022. For these four years I was living with my fiancée and her family. They helped us to save money so that we could finally afford our own home. Her mother and stepdad are both amazing people with a lot of skill and wisdom. She's also got lots of step siblings and cousins, all of whom I count as friends now. It's great.
My fiancée is so wonderful and thoughtful. She does a lot for me, and I need to do more for her. Last year, she even brought my two best friends up here to visit for a surprise birthday weekend. It's not the first time she's done something awesome for me on by birthday, but it is definitely one of the most memorable.
There have been some downsides. I got roped into working at the family restaurant, which is in bad shape due to economic conditions and the area it's located. The place is basically on life support, and working there made me stressed out. I picked up some bad habits, like video game binging, and nicotine. These days I have these under control.
A family who knows the restaurant business is sure to make amazing food. My fiancée and her family do not disappoint! Unfortunately, I've been eating too well. I'm way overweight and developed sleep apnea. I'm working on turning this situation around so that I can be fit like I used to be.
Looking Forward
Here in my early thirties, I've realized I'm still immature in many ways. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned in the ups and downs of my life. Failure has actually given me more empathy for my father and his father, both of whom are no longer with us (RIP). I can also identify things that I would have done differently, and hopefully I can put that knowledge to use in helping myself and other people.
If things work out, I will have at least one stable job in my profession, either during or near the end of Summer. I'm leaning towards cashing out some of my 401k to make ends meet until then. During this time, I want to take online school courses towards that elusive 4-year degree. This will cost me and put me into more debt, but in the long term, it should be worth it. Hopefully my fiancée and I will make a big dent in this mortgage, be healthy, and, if we're lucky, have some kids in the in a few years time.
Also, I need to be a better friend. I need to do more to show appreciation to people who are good to me. I need to be a good steward of social bonds. This is really important to me.