Feburary 23, 2014
Many things have happened since I last updated this. Too many things to capture here. Some things great and wonderful.
I just wanted to login today and record some facts. I've become aware that I'm brainwashed and the people who I deal with are brainwashed too. None of us are doing much to make the positive difference we owe to the world. I'm also extremely selfish. I've lied. I've done things that true friends wouldn't do. I have done some horrible things to others that most people wouldn't believe. None of it was illegal, but much of it was morally questionable. This is all over the course of the last three years, but even in my mid-teens too.
I want so many things. I think I can have so many things. But due to obvious reasons like finances and time constraints, I can't have those things. Equally, I can't have what I want because someone who has done the things I've done simply doesn't deserve everything they want.
Then there are those people I hear about who aren't as brainwashed, aren't as selfish, haven't lied, haven't given up on things that were truly important, lived for what they believed in, lived and enjoyed it. I feel far from someone like that.
I think that I need to learn my place. I have to live with the fact that I'm not a pure person like I wish I was. I have to live with the fact that I don't deserve and am not entitled to everything that I want. Maybe once I integrate this understanding into my life, then things will get better. Rather, things will stop getting worse.
I've chosen to be alone and now I'm lonelier than ever.
I just wanted to login today and record some facts. I've become aware that I'm brainwashed and the people who I deal with are brainwashed too. None of us are doing much to make the positive difference we owe to the world. I'm also extremely selfish. I've lied. I've done things that true friends wouldn't do. I have done some horrible things to others that most people wouldn't believe. None of it was illegal, but much of it was morally questionable. This is all over the course of the last three years, but even in my mid-teens too.
I want so many things. I think I can have so many things. But due to obvious reasons like finances and time constraints, I can't have those things. Equally, I can't have what I want because someone who has done the things I've done simply doesn't deserve everything they want.
Then there are those people I hear about who aren't as brainwashed, aren't as selfish, haven't lied, haven't given up on things that were truly important, lived for what they believed in, lived and enjoyed it. I feel far from someone like that.
I think that I need to learn my place. I have to live with the fact that I'm not a pure person like I wish I was. I have to live with the fact that I don't deserve and am not entitled to everything that I want. Maybe once I integrate this understanding into my life, then things will get better. Rather, things will stop getting worse.
I've chosen to be alone and now I'm lonelier than ever.